Ex wanting DC to go to Islamic school

[Camilla9023]

Hi everyone.
My XH is a Muslim, I’m a Catholic (relaxed one). Before marriage I made it clear if we had kids I would want them to celebrate both religious holidays and that they would go to a non religious school (neither Catholic or Islamic).

After marriage and DS being born, xh suddenly became a strict Muslim (beforehand he used to drink, was intimate before marriage, ate non halal ect.)

On the whole we coparent well and are always civil to one another.

However he is now insisting that DS will go to an Islamic school. I don’t agree with this as I believe he should integrate with children of all religions/cultures at school as that will be what he will be expected to do in his adult life.

I tried compromising saying that I would not put DS into any saint schools and that he could go to an Islamic studies lesson for a few hours on the weekend. Also there is only one Islamic school in my area which would be a very long trek by car to get to every morning.

Another thing being DS is uncircumcised (I refused to get the procedure done on him until he is of legal age to consent to the procedure himself). I worry he’ll be mocked by peers as they will all likely to be circumcised.

AIBU to be against this? I try my best to respect XH religion and don’t give DS any pork. I have found a great non-religious school nearby with an outstanding
Ofsted rating beside where we live. Can XH stop me from enrolling DS? He lives in another city and so will be myself doing the school runs. Could he take me to court to insist he goes to an Islamic school?

Thanks in advance

He can't force you to send your DS to an Islamic school but if he has parental responsibility then I think you will both need to agree on a school. Stand your ground. Ultimately it is you that is doing the school runs and your exH made his choices. If he wanted to have his children raised as strict muslims then he should have married a strict muslim. I think it's very generous of you to offer the Islamic weekend sessions tbh. I wouldn't be agreeing to that unless it was exH taking them.

You need to decide together. As parents.

No you don't decide together now. It was already decided before marriage and kids - non religious school. Stand your ground

How? When they fundamentally disagree.

If you’re resident parent then I would assume you get the final say. My friend wanted her daughter to go to the local high school. Her dad wanted her to go to the local girls’ catholic grammar . ( it was a couple of years ago and the AQE/GL transfer test was cancelled so she would definitely have gotten a place ). Her mum consulted a solicitor. The child is at the local high school.

Stick to your guns. He's moved the goal posts and he won't be the one inconvenienced by a long school commute.

Thanks all. If he didn’t agree to a non Islamic school would I have to apply for the court? Just another stress I could do without as hoping to get his named enrolled asap before spaces get filled up. I’m also expecting a new baby (to a non Muslim) so would ideally want them both to go to the same non-religious school as otherwise school runs would be impossible especially when I go back to work full time 😞

Assuming it's a state school the deadline is the January before he is due to start - you don't need to get his name down early to get a place.

Having siblings attend the same school (state?) would be a very very persuasive argument in court. Particularly when the alternative is one that may not conform the the usual standards or offer the NC.

If you have the funds you may wish to consult a solicitor specialising in family law, because it sounds like you want to know what the bottom line is.

A quick Google suggests yes he could take you to court, but best not to take Google or Mumsnet's word for it!

Solicitors can advise you on possible courses of action too.

And I don't think you are being unreasonable. You made your wishes clear long ago, and they are based in your belief system. You've done well to find and suggest a compromise. You are also the parent who will have to take the child to school each day.

Best of luck

Are you in England/Wales, and are you looking to enrol in a state school or private one? Reception applications for state school for 2024 aren't open yet. Private schools will differ.

Realistically, what he could do if he really wanted to is apply for a specific issues order, to request the school he wants, or a prohibited steps order, to prevent you signing your son up to a specific school. However, he would need to prove what he was asking for was in your child's best interests, and mediation would need to happen first.

No, he's changing the goalposts, and as he lives in another city he can't expect you to do a school run that doesn't work for you. The norm here is a non religious school, I can't imagine any court making an order that you have to send your DS to a religious school.
I wouldn't be discussing it further, just make the application to the school you want. If Ex wants to apply to the school of his choosing, he can try, but you don't have to go along with it. I wouldn't even be taking him to weekend Islamic classes, let Ex deal with that on his own time.

Op stand your ground, if you don't things will only get more difficult. You have a son to a muslim man who you have split from, he will want to control his son's religious life.
My XH is also a muslim

Absolutely not.

You've already identified significant issues with his plan, but that’s not even considering that your DS will always be othered by going home each evening to a home that does not follow the same religion as his (presumably) very observant schoolmates.

It’s not like a catholic or CoE school where they will teach children from all sorts of diverse backgrounds. An Islamic school will only expose him to a narrow group of people, and a set of values which can’t/won’t be shared by his resident parent’s household.

So no, I’d tell him tough titties. Even from a practical perspective it’s a daft idea. it’s you, not him that will be doing the school run and arranging the lifts to and from any play dates and birthday parties, so distance is a very reasonable concern as well.

If he wants his dc to go to a niche religious school, then he shouldn’t have had a child with a mother who didn’t share that religion.

@Camilla9023 I cannot believe that as I write 3% of respondents think you are unreasonable. You are being supremely reasonable. I think you are going to need some help with this via Citizens Advice perhaps or failing that a solicitor. Would you have had a child with someone who expected their child to have a deeply religious upbringing? I don’t think so and it’s not reasonable to change the goalposts now.
Always move from a place where your child’s best interests are paramount and you will never be unreasonable. Good luck. X

No one will know if he is circumcised or not, so that is not an issue. If the location is inconvenient don't send him, but as for him mixing with children from different religious backgrounds, it's unlikely to make any difference when he grows up. I've known plenty of people who went to faith schools and they're no more or less zealous than anyone else. In fact, the Islamic schools round here spend the bulk of the school week teaching the curriculum, and they only have Islamic studies once a week. They teach Arabic rather than a European language. Islamic schools really aren't the hives of indoctrination that some people may think. While I'm not suggesting you do send your DS there if you don't want to, it might be worth going to have a look at the school. You might like it, and there might even be other non-Muslim parents there.