Mother in law boundaries

[slatich2021]

My LB is 21 months, when he was first born, my MIL was very over bearing. She was always visiting without asking, demanding time with my LB, telling me how I should be doing things and didn’t listen to me when I asked certain things about my child. My other half doesn’t say anything as he doesn’t want to upset me or his mum.

when it came to my LBs 1st birthday, she fell out with me over Facebook posts (whole other issue!) and has hardly come near us since. I can count on one hand the number of times my partners family have visited our house this year (his whole family live within 5mins of us) and they rely on seeing him at family birthday teas etc. MIL text us last week asking if she can have LB for a day next week which is what I have a problem with. She makes no effort with him other than randomly asking to have him for a day (this is only the 2nd time this year she has asked this). Last time, I already had plans on the day she asked and said she could come see him at our house another time which she never has.

basically, I feel that she is only willing to spend time with him on her terms and at her house only. But he barely knows her and I would rather her come to our house so he can get to know her in a familiar environment before she takes him away anywhere else. He has hit a stage just now that he doesn’t take well to strangers and screams and gets worked up if other people try to take him out of his comfort zone.

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to say no to her taking him away next week and wanting to suggest that she comes here for tea one night instead and get to know him.

Of course not. He’s not going to have a clue who she is and is going to be hysterical if she just whisks him away from his mummy to her house and expecting to be cuddling him and making a fuss of him.

I’d probably reply along the lines that you’d love her to spend time with him and create a strong bond with him, but that he’ll get very upset if he’s taken out of his familiar surroundings, so she’s welcome to come to yours so that he can get used to her again and build up to her having him for the whole day.

Also, point out to your husband that by sitting on the fence, he’s actually upsetting both of you. He needs to give his support to his wife and child.

She is a grandmother. She doesnt get to demand anything.
You do EXACTLY what you are comfortable with.
And you can start by telling your partner to choose which side he is on as this will dictate EXACTLY how much he sees his child in future too.

Of course yanbu. Your dc barely knows her and it’s ridiculous that the expects to take him without building up contact first. Your other half really needs to get involved here. It’s not about upsetting you or mil, it’s about what’s best for your dc. Contact with someone who is essentially a stranger is not beneficial for him at all.

Yanbu.

No one ever took my young children away for a day on their own, and certainly not some who doesn't really know them.

Mind yourself OP, sounds like you have had a child with a wuzz.

Have you thought of moving further away?

Dh needs to stand up to his mother and grow a pair. You need to stick to your guns and keep saying you can visit us. There may be tears and tantrums but let her get on with it. Dh may moan but he can go and console his mummy and posibly stay there too.
You should be enjoying your dc not having to put up with listening to this rubbish from mil or anyone else.

Definitely not unreasonable my son would never have left me for an unfamiliar person (or even one he knew quite well!) at that age. We also had issues with MIL wanting my son “on her own” I still don’t quite get why because we took/ take him regularly to see her but needless to say her demands weren’t given into. As you say it’s a tricky age where they’re suddenly aware of being “left” so I totally get it.

No one dictates what/ where your child goes at any age. Stand firm, trust your gut. You’re not the unreasonable one here.

Thank you everyone, you have all reassured my feelings and thoughts to the situation. Spoke to my OH earlier and he does/doesn’t agree still, doesn’t seem to take our LBs feelings into it, just blames himself for not visiting his family more. But at the same time, they all live really close to us and it would be easier for them to come to us (since we have a young child with a routine!) but they choose not to which I think is because they don’t like me but if that’s stopping them spending time with my LB, then they are the ones with a problem.
I am going to suggest to my OH that we invite her up here for an afternoon next week to spend time with him, give him his tea and build up a relationship with him.

I would only agree to what I am comfortable
with and would certainly not be making any accommodations for someone who has had so little interest and involvement so far. I agree with your idea to start at your house gradually and build up, don't let anyone else dictate what is happening in YOUR family.

I am going to suggest to my OH that we invite her up here for an afternoon next week to spend time with him, give him his tea and build up a relationship with him.

OP ask yourself a question and answer it honestly. Are you suggesting the above because you want to or because you feel you ought?

(And if she's there for the afternoon, will DH be there too or will you have to deal with her on your own?)

only suggesting it because my OH got upset when I said I wasn’t happy about his mother taking my LB for the day.

My OH will be here for some of the time, he is working nightshift next week so will be getting up about 4pm and leaving at 6pm so I will have an hour or so on my own with her.