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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father in law died today how do I support DH?

18 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 29/07/2023 10:14

Sorry wasn’t sure where to post this. Just had the news early this morning that father in law has died from a heart issue. I’m not sure how is best to support DH - he has to travel 4 and a half hours drive to see his mum and brothers. Obviously I’ve given him a cuddle etc but how do I support him while he’s away? Also got to break the news to our children that their grandad has passed away 😭

OP posts:
Potatomashed · 29/07/2023 10:37

So sorry for your family’s loss. Sounds like a shock.

My husband was amazing when my dad died, just by being there, allowing me to talk, say the same things repeatedly over months “it feels like a bad dream” etc. Showing his own emotion. Caring for our DCs. Just be as supportive as possible and remember that grief is something which stays with you forever, you grow around it rather than it fading…

With the kids, some advice I read is about using factual language,rather than ambiguity because you think they can’t handle it. Dead, not asleep forever, not gone to heaven.

Sending you all strength for the next few hard weeks x

Angryappendix · 29/07/2023 10:41

How old are the children? If young, you don’t need to tell them today. Give yourself time to digest what’s just happens and support your DH. If older they might catch on so you might need to tell them today.

All you can do listen, and be there, and like PP said, don’t hide your own emotion if you feel it.

Sorry for your loss x

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 29/07/2023 11:01

As above, just let him know you're there if he needs to talk no take as much of the day to day stuff as possible so he doesn't have to think about it.

With the kids, take a look at Winstons Wish website, they provide advice and resources for kids dealing with bereavement.

If your children are young then it's really important to be very factual in your language, no ambiguous statements about going to sleep, or going away, they don't understand.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 29/07/2023 11:17

I’ve got two children with DH - 10 and 6. Our 10 year old is at his best friends birthday sleepover so he is unaware of what’s going on yet but our 6 year old could tell something was wrong when she woke up bless her. She knows what passing away means so I had to just give her a cuddle and explain grandad wasn’t very well and has passed away. Broke my heart seeing her so upset 💔

DH has gone for a lie down and is planning to drive up to his mums today - just so worried about him driving almost 5 hours whilst in shock but can understand that he wants to be around his mum and brothers.

I’ve had a little cry too he was such a lovely man

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 29/07/2023 11:31

Sorry for you loss, are you able to get DD looked after overnight and go with dh. If you drive, you could help out with the driving.

Alternatively, pack dh off with foods & drinks he can eat en route (so he doesn't have to stop and deal with getting food sorted). Obviously he will need a break whilst travelling.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/07/2023 11:37

When my Mum died my husband was really thoughtful (as he is normally). He made sure I was fed, cuddled, had fresh air. Nothing major but it gave me less to think about when I wasn't capable of making any normal decisions.

minmooch · 29/07/2023 11:45

Don't use words like passing away or words that confuse small children. You can talk about death softly without giving children confusion as to whether the person is coming back.

As for your DH be led by him and what he needs. He will be with his mum and siblings, look after the children - that will help him. People react differently to grief, some go on auto pilot, some break down. We all react differently and therefore need different things.

I am sorry for your family's loss. May the days be gentle on you all.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 29/07/2023 11:56

doitwithlove · 29/07/2023 11:31

Sorry for you loss, are you able to get DD looked after overnight and go with dh. If you drive, you could help out with the driving.

Alternatively, pack dh off with foods & drinks he can eat en route (so he doesn't have to stop and deal with getting food sorted). Obviously he will need a break whilst travelling.

I do drive but have an older son too & I need to pick him up from his dads later. He hasn’t asked me to go along mainly because I think the intention is to spend a few days there and he knows it would be difficult for us to sort childcare. I’m making him regular drinks and made him something to eat he’s currently packing to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 29/07/2023 11:56

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/07/2023 11:37

When my Mum died my husband was really thoughtful (as he is normally). He made sure I was fed, cuddled, had fresh air. Nothing major but it gave me less to think about when I wasn't capable of making any normal decisions.

Thank you. This is what I would do normally but gonna be so difficult when he’s over 200 miles away 💔❤️

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 29/07/2023 11:59

Hi @Ilovepugs2017 i'm so sorry for your loss.
Just a cuddle means so much, honestly sometimes that's all i need when i'm down xx

LlynTegid · 29/07/2023 12:00

Taking care of practical things at home you do not normally do but your DH does can be a help.

Sorry to read of your FILs death and may he rest in peace.

FiveShelties · 29/07/2023 12:06

I live in NZ and flew to UK in April when my Mum fell, sadly she died in May and although my husband was in NZ he was amazing. We spoke morning and evening and he was just there with kindness, understanding and support. He was just there, albeit thousands of miles away, distance just does not matter as long as he knows you are there to listen and support.

I am sorry for your loss.

Rewis · 29/07/2023 12:06

I'd say, trust that you know your husband. Constant offering of drinks, cuddles, hand holding etc. Is what some people need but some need space. If he wants to talk, listen. If he wants to handle practicalities and not talk, let him do that.

zingally · 29/07/2023 12:10

Speaking as someone who went through the same situation as your DH, just being there, and being a listening ear is good enough.
Just follow his lead. Be prepared for him to say some crazy and out of character things. Following my dads death, I was plagued with a lot of intrusive thoughts, which didn't start to go until an older friend reassured me that it was completely normal.
The grieving process is complicated and messy, and goes very much in fits and starts.

As for the kids, being practical and realistic is the best way to go. "When we get old, our bodies just don't work as well as they did, and one day they just stop working, and we die." It is also okay for children to see adults cry.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/07/2023 12:23

Just be there for him, with cuddles if that’s what he likes.

My poor dh was away for work when MiL died too young (cancer, so not entirely unexpected) - he bore up very well but I just tried to be as nice/loving as possible when he got back.
He was the same for me when my DF died only 6 months later - same bastard bowel cancer.

longtompot · 29/07/2023 12:24

So sorry for your loss💐

Would helping him with packing for his stay with his mum help? He might not be thinking clearly and maybe having you to help with that, making sure his phone is charged, or has a charger in the car, a bottle of water and some snacks, and enough clothes for a few days away.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 29/07/2023 13:38

Thank you all.

DH has left now for the journey up to his mums. Probably gonna be anxious until I know he’s up there safe. Our DD is very quiet and just wants to watch her tablet at the moment - think she’s trying to distract herself from what’s going on 😢 tried speaking to her and just reassuring her that I’m here for her and I have unlimited cuddles for her if she wants them.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 29/07/2023 14:05

Given the distance, the best thing you can do is keep home running so that he can focus his energy on his mum (that's what was most helpful to me).

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