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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking out about memories of abuse

8 replies

coldcomfort02 · 29/07/2023 10:05

For over a decade now I've had memories of my father inappropriately touching me when I was very young and dressing it up as a game. Stopped around the age of 6/7. These memories are hazy and foggy as I was very young so it's hard to be 100 percent sure. I used to masturbate in public as a child and early teens and I've always been terrified of sex and I feel these things along with the vague memories lead me to feel I was abused.

Think it's also important that my father was also very manipulative and emotionally abusive and I cut contact with him at 18.

My mother passed away when I was 26 but I have two sisters I'm close to. I recently told them both my father abused me and obviously this has created huge drama. My older sister didn't believe me and accused me of lying (she is very close to my father). My younger sister believes me and was horrified and very upset.

However I massively regret talking about this. The fallout it has caused is traumatic and I feel awful everyday. Because I was so young I can never be 100 percent sure of what happened and now feel I should just have kept my mouth shut.

OP posts:
MollysBrolly · 29/07/2023 10:13

Do you plan talking to the police?
What did you want from telling your family?

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:20

No, of course you weren’t being unreasonable. Any shame is not yours and you aren’t responsible for other people’s reactions.

I think that the most important thing is for you to get some support and try and firm up how you feel about things in your own mind, so you can decide what you want to do next. I strongly suggest you contact NAPAC who will be able to help you 💐

Original poster
coldcomfort02 · 29/07/2023 10:53

MollysBrolly · 29/07/2023 10:13

Do you plan talking to the police?
What did you want from telling your family?

No I don’t plan on talking to the police and I actually didn’t plan on telling my sisters either. My older sister was talking about what a wonderful man our father is and I couldn’t take it and just blurted it out. I really wish I hadn’t tho as it’s causing so much hurt. I feel like I’ve ruined everything and with nothing to be gained from it

OP posts:
Original poster
coldcomfort02 · 29/07/2023 10:55

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:20

No, of course you weren’t being unreasonable. Any shame is not yours and you aren’t responsible for other people’s reactions.

I think that the most important thing is for you to get some support and try and firm up how you feel about things in your own mind, so you can decide what you want to do next. I strongly suggest you contact NAPAC who will be able to help you 💐

Thank you for your message. I have a therapist I see who is great but it still doesn’t help the damage that has been done by this. Just wish I could take it all back and just carry on pretending nothing is wrong. I hate that I have to deal with these feelings and memories and now I’ve made it my sisters’ issue too which just isn’t fair and doesn’t help any of us

OP posts:
Nagado · 29/07/2023 11:11

I think NAPAC would provide you with support that your therapist wouldn’t necessarily be able to as they have a real understanding of what you’re going through and what you need. I completely understand how you feel about pretending it didn’t happen and dealing with the reactions of loved ones on top of your own feelings about it, but you can’t take on their feelings as well as your own. That’s too much to expect of anyone, and that stopper isn’t going back in the bottle.

Have a look at their website this afternoon. You don’t have to speak to them if you don’t want to. They’ll email you if that would be easier for you. You’ve done such a difficult thing by taking the first step and acknowledging that it happened to you. You need to concentrate on you now.

Original poster
coldcomfort02 · 29/07/2023 11:25

Nagado · 29/07/2023 11:11

I think NAPAC would provide you with support that your therapist wouldn’t necessarily be able to as they have a real understanding of what you’re going through and what you need. I completely understand how you feel about pretending it didn’t happen and dealing with the reactions of loved ones on top of your own feelings about it, but you can’t take on their feelings as well as your own. That’s too much to expect of anyone, and that stopper isn’t going back in the bottle.

Have a look at their website this afternoon. You don’t have to speak to them if you don’t want to. They’ll email you if that would be easier for you. You’ve done such a difficult thing by taking the first step and acknowledging that it happened to you. You need to concentrate on you now.

Thanks so much for your kindness. Haven’t heard of this organisation but will definitely contact them.
I have ocd so my guilt is off the charts over even the smallest things so this has been very traumatic.
I appreciate you taking the time to help

OP posts:
Nagado · 29/07/2023 11:40

I hadn’t heard of them either but they really are wonderful (my GP promotes them, so not some kind of fly by night organisation).

Just take it as slowly as you need to. Ten minutes at a time if that’s what it takes. Keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for the reactions of other people. You are not the keeper of secrets and the guilt does not belong to you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself 💐

SadBut · 29/07/2023 13:27

Are there any children in the family OP?
Victims of SA often blame themselves to such an extent they fail to see the very real risk to other children
Also handhold
This is not your fault 💐

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