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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being inappropriate/unreasonable or unfair?

25 replies

whattodo74657 · 29/07/2023 04:31

When i first got together with my DP I mentioned that I am friends with my ex.
My ex and I were together for many years and have known each other our whole lives.
We were friends since being children.
We separated but were still very close. Like brother and sister really. We agreed we would always be in one another's lives because we always had been and still really cared about one another.

When my current partner and I got together I explained all of this which DP wasn't happy about and over time it became very hard to stay friends with my ex. So I didn't stay in touch.

My DP would ask and still does ask occasionally "have you spoken to X?" Then asks what he has said and what I said. Basically wanting to know the full conversation.
Or "has X been in touch?"

If I say yes and that we've had a brief chat, my DP will be very angry which can last days. So I just felt it best not to shay in touch which has made me quite sad really.

Recently my ex got in touch and we have been chatting. We're both married with kids etc. and it's really good to talk and catch up. But my DP would be furious about this. It's only a matter of time before I'm asked again if he's been in touch and I don't think I can lie.

Do you think it's really wrong of me to be in touch with my ex?
Or the fact I'm doing this in secret?

My DP was also in touch with an ex which I felt ok with because it didn't seem weird to me. But then my DP stopped contact with their ex and wanted me to do the same.

I know that if DP and I weren't together, I would be in weekly contact with my ex and we would meet for coffee etc because we are like best friends. But as it stands we haven't actually seen each other in years.

OP posts:
Annaishere · 29/07/2023 04:48

No I don’t think you’re wrong.

Catsmere · 29/07/2023 05:02

Sounds like your current DP is an insecure sort of man and frankly a dud. Why did he get together with you knowing from the outset you were still close to your ex? Indeed why did you bother with him? And if he's in touch with an ex but expects you not to be, he's a hypocrite. I'd be dumping him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2023 05:27

You got together with a man and he told you he wasn’t happy for you to remain in friends with your ex. This is the issue op, you should have stood up for yourself or binned him off a lot earlier. It doesn’t, however, sound as if he would ever have accepted for you to remain friends, so you’re left with a man, who is happy to trash your boundaries and get angry with you for who you want to be friends with. Is he controlling in other ways?

AuroraForever · 29/07/2023 05:31

No I don’t think you’re wrong to still be in touch with your ex. You seem to have a great friendship and you can be friends with who you like. No one should be dictating who’s friends with who. Why does your DP keep asking you if he’s been in touch? That’s slightly odd and I’d find it irritating. Maybe it’s time to get firm with DP and says you’re friends with your ex whether he likes it or not instead of trying to keep it secret.

Ladybug14 · 29/07/2023 06:05

Yes it's wrong to be in contact with your ex secretly

I posted on another thread recently where the husband was seeing a lady friend secretly for walks and chats

The secrecy was wrong

Having friends who are the opposite sex is fine

Keeping them a secret is wrong

If your partner doesn't like you being friends with your ex, take your partner with you when you meet up a few times.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 06:16

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2023 05:27

You got together with a man and he told you he wasn’t happy for you to remain in friends with your ex. This is the issue op, you should have stood up for yourself or binned him off a lot earlier. It doesn’t, however, sound as if he would ever have accepted for you to remain friends, so you’re left with a man, who is happy to trash your boundaries and get angry with you for who you want to be friends with. Is he controlling in other ways?

This.

You let him control your life. Why??

TookTheBook · 29/07/2023 06:18

Well if you haven't seen him for years now you're not like best friends any more?

Your current partner sounds abusive. isolating you from your good friends is really wrong. Not sure why you agreed to it if the ex matters so much. I wouldn't put up with such controlling behaviour.

Cheesusisgrate · 29/07/2023 06:19

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 06:16

This.

You let him control your life. Why??

Show quote history

Amen to this.

I am still occasionally in contact with exes. They are from my home town so sometimes send me some news, we chat about their business, their new kid etc.

hippygirllucky · 29/07/2023 06:20

It's not unreasonable to be secretive about it: you tried to be honest and it caused unreasonable anger.

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2023 06:21

Your dp is controlling and jealous. He’s the real problem here - why are you with him?

Cloud992 · 29/07/2023 06:22

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2023 05:27

You got together with a man and he told you he wasn’t happy for you to remain in friends with your ex. This is the issue op, you should have stood up for yourself or binned him off a lot earlier. It doesn’t, however, sound as if he would ever have accepted for you to remain friends, so you’re left with a man, who is happy to trash your boundaries and get angry with you for who you want to be friends with. Is he controlling in other ways?

I agree.

also- why would you choose to sacrifice a good lifelong friendship for a man who wants to control who you can/ can’t be friends with?

He is definitely insecure so will never change.
I personally would tell him that you’ve seen your ex rather than wait for him to ask about it because he may ask “why didn’t you tell me, why did you keep it a secret” whereas if you’re open about it- you’re showing him there’s nothing to be paranoid about.
relationships do not work when there’s no trust!

BranchGold · 29/07/2023 06:24

I think some people are being quick to go to the controlling element, but I don’t usually agree with keeping ex’s as friends.

What are the circumstances of the relationship you had with your ex? How old were you when you got together? How long for? Why did the relationship fail? I’d feel tricky about an ex partner being on the ‘best friend’ pedestal tbh.

WandaWonder · 29/07/2023 06:25

When men keep in touch with their exes women are told it's a red flag and not to trust him, op if you would be fine with it fine carry on

Cheesusisgrate · 29/07/2023 06:36

WandaWonder · 29/07/2023 06:25

When men keep in touch with their exes women are told it's a red flag and not to trust him, op if you would be fine with it fine carry on

Tbh lots of advice on here is based on worst experiences and issues rather than balanced view that it's nkt black or white only. There is alao maasive iasue amongst mumsnetgers about being controlling, but since it can be bit of an echo chamber, it just gets lost in "of course yanbu".

In reality lots of people are friends with their exes. Even my own parents were and dad's ex gif was called aunt by us.
When people are friends before, they have something in common, know same people, same area etc, sometimes they give it a try and it doesn't work. Simple. Doesn't mean that they have to delete them from their lives. I think it's actually quite a mature thing to be able to say "we gave it a try, let's stop and go back to friendship before we get beyond point of repair". And it's mature thing to understand you partner had life before an not all of it got nuked.

Cheesusisgrate · 29/07/2023 06:36

Sorry for typos. I swear my phone keyboard is getting worse🙄

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 06:53

The only thing you've done wrong stopping contact in the first place, when he asked you to stop contact you should have sat him down and very clearly explained that, while you do understand his feelings on this, your ex is a good friend and nothing more.

He doesn't trust you. Do you want to continue to be with a man that doesn't trust you?

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 06:56

I wouldn’t be happy but his ex is a absolute nutter so that’s probably swaying me.

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 07:08

I think doing it behind is back is deceitful. It’s unlikely to end well and essentially you are proving your dp right. There is something worrying about regarding the ex. You will be deceitful around your ex. That’s how your dp will see it.

However, I don’t think you realise what your dp did was coercive control. He couldn’t outright stop you being in contact with your ex. So he made life unhappy every time you did, until you found it easier stop.

I would bet my annual salary that this is not the only thing he does with. You are with someone who engages in a form of emotional abuse to modify your behaviour so you behave how he wants you to.

Regardless of the ex I think you need to ditch the Dp. If he didn’t want a girlfriend who isn’t friends with their ex he could have chosen to just not be in a relationship with you. Instead he chose to be in the relationship but abuse you until you got his own way. Now you are being deceitful. That’s not who you are.

What will happen is that you will get caught. Your Dp will be hurt and bang on about how he was right the whole time and how you betrayed him. He will stay. Because now you have given him a stick to beat you with. Every time he wants to control you it will be brought up. If you want to go out and he creates an atmosphere he will make it your fault. Because you proved you proved you can’t be trusted.

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 07:47

No I don't think you're wrong. Usually I do actually think it's kinder to your partner not to forge a friendship with an ex, but that's when your relationship was purely just romantic/sexual and you're now revisiting it. This sounds different, you were best friends and have known each other all your lives. What's more you were very upfront with him about it from the start.

I think lying about it would be very likely to blow up your relationship, but that perhaps wouldn't be such a bad thing, as he sounds controlling and hypocritical.

Strugglingtodomybest · 29/07/2023 07:56

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2023 05:27

You got together with a man and he told you he wasn’t happy for you to remain in friends with your ex. This is the issue op, you should have stood up for yourself or binned him off a lot earlier. It doesn’t, however, sound as if he would ever have accepted for you to remain friends, so you’re left with a man, who is happy to trash your boundaries and get angry with you for who you want to be friends with. Is he controlling in other ways?

This. He has got what he wanted through coercion.

As another poster pointed out, many people get on well with their exes and manage to stay friends, it's not that unusual.

Flisss · 29/07/2023 09:30

I dont know anyone in real life who has stayed so friendly with an ex, I think I find it a bit odd to want to stay so friendly with someone who you've previously been having sex with and now you're sitting drinking coffee with them while they have a wife and kids....not sure it sits right. But having said that, if my DH was friends with his ex I'd trust him and leave him be with his own decisions, but whether I agree with it is a different story.

BibbleandSqwauk · 29/07/2023 09:43

I'm lifelong friends with a guy who I was with at uni. Any relationship I've ever been in since gets told the situation and that it's not negotiable. I see the ex every few months, we stay in each others houses, go to the pub or to eat etc. His wife (now ex) knew us both at uni and never had an issue. None of my partners have had an issue but I wouldn't have compromised.
I think telling the op to end a marriage with kids over this is a bit OTT unless there are lots of other concerns and since she doesn't have a time machine, she can't go back and do it differently. OP you should I think sit with your DH and ask him exactly what he finds so worrying...not "it's not normal" or "no-one does" but what his exact issues are.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 29/07/2023 10:11

You are unreasonable, but only because you have not told your partner to get knotted.

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 29/07/2023 10:46

I have an “ex” who technically isn’t an ex because it was never a relationship, more friends with benefits and he then told me he was in love with me. We’ve known each other our whole lives, genuinely were best friends and it was a complicated situation. My now DH tried to stop me from seeing him when we first started our relationship, he said he didn’t trust my friend. I told him he didn’t need to trust him, he needed to trust me, and I carried on the friendship. 16 years later and we’re still friends, we live in different countries now so don’t see each other even once a year, but we chat regularly and I’m glad he’s still in my life. He also came out as gay about 6 years ago, but DH still feels uncomfortable about our friendship. He has at least recognised it’s his own insecurities that make him feel that way so he doesn’t comment on it anymore.

Original poster
whattodo74657 · 30/07/2023 20:10

There are other controlling behaviours of who I speak to. And I agree, I really should have stood my ground at the time.
It was really difficult and was made so hard for me to stay in touch. It became easier to stay away and ignore messages etc. which I really regret now. I feel sad that so many years have passed and we haven't been properly in touch and in one another's lives. I think I'll always regret it because we were really close. I haven't even met his kids which I never thought in a million years would happen.

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