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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you stay unbothered when someone is rude?

27 replies

Annalisatheantelope · 28/07/2023 22:50

Colleague seemed really off today. We work with kids who have learning disabilities. At meal time today, a child's plate had been left in the kitchen so I said if I should get it as kids can't be left alone and she was in another section of the room. She replied with 'Well yeah. Obviously.' Even when I explained why I had asked (as in kids needed to be watched when eating.).
Then one of the kids had an accident. I went to change her and found there were no wipes. I called out and said 'Can you please get some wipes for me, she's had a number 2 accident' and same colleague replied with 'Well yeah. Obviously. You wouldn't need them otherwise would you if it was just a wee.'
Felt so unnecessary and my whole evening has been spent irritated and upset by her. How do I train myself not to be bothered?

OP posts:
TwelfthGiraffe · 28/07/2023 22:53

I just let it wash over me. In the grand scheme of things, who cares? It’s not worth ruining your evening over.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 28/07/2023 22:57

Well for starters I'd have asked what was wrong. If it was me that had pissed her off, apologise and move on. If it wasn't, have a chat about it/tell her she's being a stroppy mare/ignore her/take her for beer, coffee, cake - whichever is the most appropriate and usual for your relationship.

ChesterAndRaoul · 28/07/2023 22:58

I just always think that the rude person isn't sat at home worrying about it, or thinking about me, so why should I spare them a thought?

Herejusttocomment · 28/07/2023 23:02

Is she usually off with you?
You both work with children with learning disabilities, that's quite a stressful job, maybe she's overwhelmed or stressed out if it's a one off?
Anyway, that's what helps me, rationalising the behaviour.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 28/07/2023 23:08

I think her communication skills sound poor and you are being over sensitive.

It's almost like a Kevin the teenager skit.

Original poster
Annalisatheantelope · 28/07/2023 23:14

She isn't normally like this with me. I don't always work with her so couldn't have pissed her off in anyway. It was quiet today in work so not stressful at all.
I just find it disrespectful but @ChesterAndRaoul you are right. She won't have given it a seconds thought and will see nothing wrong in it. That should be a reminder in itself to ignore her and try to not think about it.

OP posts:
Hawkins0001 · 28/07/2023 23:16

At times I would be tempted to say you don't say Sherlock etc, but usually I would try to be professional and focus on the task otherwise sometimes it can escalate the situation

Curseofthenation · 28/07/2023 23:21

I can see that it might be annoying to have a colleague regularly explaining basic reasoning if it is not required. Maybe she was having a bad day and got a bit fed up with it today. It doesn't make her right, and she was rude no doubt.

You could always give a cheeky bit of sass back if she does it again. It might make you feel better 😆.

CoffeeCantata · 29/07/2023 16:12

Some people make zero effort to modify their mood when interacting with others. I've always thought this rude - with the obvious exception of people who might have just received bad news or perhaps are in pain.

Otherwise I think it's right to make that small effort to sound cheerful, positive, bright etc etc in dealing with other people, especially at work. No-one should have the right to just inflict their bad mood on colleagues.

In my experience it's been the people with most reason to be miserable who've been the most pleasant - and often lazy, grumpy people who are rudest.

CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 16:24

She doesn’t sound great, but trying to look at it from both sides:

At meal time today, a child's plate had been left in the kitchen so I said if I should get it as kids can't be left alone and she was in another section of the room. She replied with 'Well yeah. Obviously.' Even when I explained why I had asked (as in kids needed to be watched when eating.).

I think you need to be more assertive and instead of asking her if you should get the plate, say you’re going to get the plate and could she pls keep watch the kids.

Then one of the kids had an accident. I went to change her and found there were no wipes. I called out and said 'Can you please get some wipes for me, she's had a number 2 accident' and same colleague replied with 'Well yeah. Obviously. You wouldn't need them otherwise would you if it was just a wee.'

Could you have got the wipes yourself? If not, it seems like she perfers a minimalist style, so just be brief and direct with ‘could you pass the wipes pls’.

Zippeedidodah · 29/07/2023 16:31

Actually she's wrong you would have needed the wipes if the kid had a wee also. Next time she asks you something say ' well yeah obviously (with something condescending and patronising) she needs to watch her tone

Conkersinautumn · 29/07/2023 16:38

In care I'd absolutely address it. That stuff that is impacting you impacts the kids too it's exactly what we are trained to avoid. Some kids with LD such as impacted social skills do need good behaviour modelling. Not matching your body language tone and words is poor care really.

ChadCMulligan · 29/07/2023 16:55

@TwelfthGiraffe Same here. But it's not great advice as OP doesn't know how not to care.

I like the works of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus as good starts to stoicism which would be a good starting point for OP. It's an immensely practical philosophy that can help you feel a lot happier and more in control

coodawoodashooda · 29/07/2023 16:56

It's hard op.

leopard22 · 29/07/2023 20:30

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this once but if she starts again, I'd either start resorting to the same tone and see how long it takes her to catch on. There's no need for it

MollysBrolly · 29/07/2023 21:01

Worked with people like that with SEN children and little miss know it all was such a cow. In the end I stopped over explaining myself. Don't become beholden to them. It's her issue she has to make stupid comments

5128gap · 29/07/2023 21:10

The only way I can get over it is if I've stood up for myself as the time. Otherwise I know I'll just seethe and build resentment. So in the first case I'd have replied in a sharp tone, that no, it wasn't obvious as... whatever reason.
In the second I'd have said 'There's no need to speak to me like that' again in a tone that demonstrated I was not pleased.
There's a knack, as you don't want to cross the line into being just as rude so putting yourself equally in the wrong, you have to aim for icy polite assertiveness.

InSpainTheRain · 29/07/2023 21:25

Pull her up on it "Have I offended you in some way?" If she asks why tell her "i wanted to chrck as you seemed a bit off" or similar. If she is pulled up she is less likely to use a condescending tone I think

doorstopper123 · 30/07/2023 08:32

Next time she says something similar say, well yeah, obviously 🙄

Strugglingtodomybest · 30/07/2023 08:42

How do I train myself not to be bothered?

It takes time and effort, but I've done it my reminding myself that it's not my problem, it's them. If she's not usually like that, then there is probably something else going on with her and it's coming out as irritation with you.

Depending on our normal relationship, I would then either ask her if she's ok or mentally roll my eyes and remind myself that I have done nothing wrong.

I second reading up on stoicism, it's really helped me. I remind myself that I can only control my own thoughts and actions, everything else is outside my control and therefore not worth worrying about.

SuddenlyOld · 30/07/2023 09:09

Recently had some health issues that got me stressed and I was a bit short with colleagues. After I calmed down I apologised and explained I was stressed. Colleagues were lovely and said they could tell I wasn't myself.

So maybe she was worrying about something.

I would have asked her if she was OK. If she said yes then she'd know that she'd done something off hopefully

As for dealing with it, maybe the 'are you ok' question would help you not to dwell on it

EmmaPaella · 30/07/2023 09:12

It’s hard OP. I had a colleague like this years ago. It still annoys me! I look back and feel it was bullying - I was nice so she could be horrible.

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 09:13

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 28/07/2023 22:57

Well for starters I'd have asked what was wrong. If it was me that had pissed her off, apologise and move on. If it wasn't, have a chat about it/tell her she's being a stroppy mare/ignore her/take her for beer, coffee, cake - whichever is the most appropriate and usual for your relationship.

This. Ask her what her problem is.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 30/07/2023 09:17

InSpainTheRain · 29/07/2023 21:25

Pull her up on it "Have I offended you in some way?" If she asks why tell her "i wanted to chrck as you seemed a bit off" or similar. If she is pulled up she is less likely to use a condescending tone I think

Definitely do this.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/07/2023 09:18

so I said if I should get it as kids can't be left alone and she was in another section of the room. She replied with 'Well yeah. Obviously.'

I don’t really understand this. Did you ask, ‘should I get the plate?’ Maybe she was wondering why you were asking her if you should do it, rather than just doing it?