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Original poster

Men who talk about you like you're not there

15 replies

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 22:09

Argh, this is so rude.
I've had it a couple of times over the last year. A man asked my partner in a bar in front of me "Does she not drink?"
I was with a colleague and a man said to her "Has she just started?"

Both times,I was right there, they could've asked me!
Every time I respond to them immediately in a firm manner, yes, I do, or, yes, I am does anyone else find this rude and patronising?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 22:13

It's like you're a child too

OP posts:
everybodytidy · 28/07/2023 22:20

Yeah, everytime I'm talking to a salesman with my partner there, even when I'm the one buying the product, they address him first, and shake HIS hand at the end.

Usernamev9 · 28/07/2023 22:25

Yeah that's a dick move and you should totally call them out on it. It annoys the hell out of me that my partner's name is always first on everything, even if I'm the one that's sorting it out, doing all the paperwork, speaking with everyone involved. When we bought our house, I did everything, and repeatedly asked the estate agents, solicitors and mortgage broker to put my name first on everything. I didn't care if it sounded stupid or petty. My name would be first alphabetically too, both first and last name, so it's 100% because he is a man and I am a woman and in this day and age that is absolute bullshit.

GrumpyPanda · 28/07/2023 22:26

Better to reply to them using the same third person they do. So not Yes, I am, but Yes, she is. Bonus points for then shoehorning in a question about them.using the same approach. People like this don't get subtle hints.

CoalCraft · 28/07/2023 22:30

My mum does something like this all the time. Relays anecdotes about me, often that I've told her, to others when I'm right there. Also often jumps in to answer for me when someone asks me a question.

A slightly different thing perhaps but really annoying. Can't say I've ever been "spoken around" like that by a man.

Glowie · 28/07/2023 22:32

It is very bizarre behaviour.

@GrumpyPanda I reckon the OP has gotten quite unlucky with the calibre of people she has found herself around, don't you think?

Sorry @Mrsdoubtfire18 I couldn't help myself 😅

mastertomsmum · 28/07/2023 22:49

Interesting, I’ve come across an expression used when it’s women speaking for men : “Does he take sugar?”
But not heard of one used when it’s the opposite way round.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 29/07/2023 05:45

Does he take sugar is a reference to disability afaik

I've had 'look at the tits on it' before. That was fun

ISeeMisledPeople · 29/07/2023 06:05

It's not just men that do this. My adult daughter was buying glasses and wanted a second opinion on the frames, so I went in with her.

When she'd chosen, the sales assistant started telling me about the coatings etc.

I said to her 'why are you telling me? It's DDs glasses'. She went 'Oh... I just thought... Um...' and seemed completely nonplussed by it. Now bear in mind DD had done the sight test alone, all previous conversations alone. I just happened to be standing with her when the sales assistant came up to her once she'd chosen her frames (they were pretty quiet and I think she'd heard her say that those were the ones as we hadn't had a chance to go anywhere when she came up to us).

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 06:08

My grandmother did this to all guests!

I've never had a man so it but we used to be in hysterics when my grandmother did it. She would laugh but still do it!

hippygirllucky · 29/07/2023 06:33

Slightly different but when we were selling our house, I was the one dealing with all the paperwork and emails and I was the one putting up all the money for the new house. In all the emails from the solicitors, despite me being the only one writing and signing off and it coming from my email address, they'd all only reply with "Dear Mr hippygirllucky".

I was pissed.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 29/07/2023 06:40

hippygirllucky · 29/07/2023 06:33

Slightly different but when we were selling our house, I was the one dealing with all the paperwork and emails and I was the one putting up all the money for the new house. In all the emails from the solicitors, despite me being the only one writing and signing off and it coming from my email address, they'd all only reply with "Dear Mr hippygirllucky".

I was pissed.

I had this too, my partner hadn't even spoken to any of the people involved in buying our house. I sold our last and purchased the new one, dealt with all the solicitors and sales people all the way through. The day we move in, all paperwork addressed to Mr IdiotDP. We have different surnames so it is definitely intentional.

Bluesky88 · 29/07/2023 07:28

THIS - I was shopping for a carpet recently with my husband, and he asked the sales guy what the difference was between the cheaper and more expensive ones we were looking at. The bloke turned away from me and said 'well it depends on how often she's going to be hoovering it really' and then repeatedly referred to me as 'the wife,' and my only involvement in the decision being as the cleaner of said carpet.

(We obviously left immediately and didn't buy from him)

Bluesky88 · 29/07/2023 07:33

Another time when we were looking for a new car, my husband dropped into a dealership to ask a few questions about the car we'd been looking at (I was at work). He explained to the salesman that the car would mostly be used by me. The guy suggested buying a brightly coloured car 'so your wife doesn't lose it in a carpark,' and that we should consider an automatic 'as, you know, they just find them easier to use'

Original poster
Mrsdoubtfire18 · 29/07/2023 08:17

Wow that's awful, some people have such old fashioned attitudes.
I've also been referred to as Mr by email!

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