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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else not really understand how to make friends sometimes?

20 replies

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 21:49

I was doing a training course and met two other women there. They seemed nice, the two of them seemed closer to one another which was maybe due to them being from the same country/speaking the same language, however we had a nice chat nevertheless.

On the very last day, one of the women said we should go for drinks given that it was our last day together. I couldn't on that day as I was meeting family, but told her I'd love to in the coming weeks.

She asked to exchange numbers. Great, I thought. It's been a very long time since I've made any sort of friend/acquaintance.

She texted me saying it would be lovely to go for lunch one day. I asked her to let me know her availability over the next 2 weeks'. She said 'sure', then didn't.

A few days later I texted her to ask how her job was going, she replied saying she was nervous but looking forward to it. That was it.

Then about 4 days after that I asked if she'd be free for lunch the following week. She said that she was back in the other town she'd be working in and asked if I was there. I said that I wasn't, and I'd misunderstood, but we'd have to meet when she'd next be down . The town's about 40 mins away by train, to be fair I could've gone up there I just didn't think at the time.

She just texted 'no no' as if she was going to explain something but then never did.

I should've left it there. However I tried to get in touch once more by asking if she'd managed to sort out an issue she'd been having with her start date at work.
Zero reply, that was nearly a week ago. Msg has been read and that's it.

She's not interested (platonically I mean) that's fair enough and I feel a bit silly now. She was the one who suggested drinks etc and phone number swapping in the first place. That usually doesn't happen for me.

Maybe I looked a bit OTT? It's not like I texted daily, only 3 times over a fortnight. Anyway I've deleted her number now so I can't again.

It does seem like I'm reading into it a lot, just want to understand people as I often can't.

OP posts:
Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 21:50

I think it's quite British to say let's go for drinks/lunch when you don't actually mean it. But she was the one who asked to swap numbers.

OP posts:
Flippingflamingo · 28/07/2023 21:51

I know the feeling. I feel like I do all the chasing to sustain the friendships I do have!

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 21:52

I just feel like people can flip like a switch for no apparent reason. I only asked her for a bloody coffee, hardly asked her to commit to a backpacking holiday with me.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 21:54

I have a rule that if someone new (friends wise i mean) asks me for drinks/lunch etc, I move heaven and earth to make that date/time.

I have learnt that from experience. In the past when I have turned down a "date", a follow up has NEVER happened. Since I've had my rule in place, follow ups happen.

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 21:57

That's a good rule!
I only couldn't that day as I was meeting my family for a meal and had to get the train to them. I couldn't just cancel on them last minute!
It's weird isn't it.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:00

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 21:57

That's a good rule!
I only couldn't that day as I was meeting my family for a meal and had to get the train to them. I couldn't just cancel on them last minute!
It's weird isn't it.

I know, it's hard!

But I have found that it tends to work that way and that if the first meeting doesn't happen, follow ups don't.

To be clear, this is only regarding making friends, no idea about actual dating because I've been my with DH since I was 20.

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:01

I meame"if the first meeting doesn't happen when initially suggested, follow ups dont"

AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 28/07/2023 22:04

I think she was just being 'polite' and had no intention of meeting you.

Zinn · 28/07/2023 22:04

When she texted you about lunch you should have suggested a day rather than pushing it back to her.

LiloP · 28/07/2023 22:06

I am not British and really struggle to make friends. I feel like there is some social code I don’t understand. Twice I have asked a mum friend to meet for drinks (one is a mum I regularly meet for playdates with the toddlers and the other a school mum), both said “yes great” on whatsapp and then nothing else. Does that mean they don’t want to but too polite to say it?

playdate mum regularly meets me with the children but never alone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can’t be that awful or maybe she has “going out” friends and I am the mum friend?

Mrsdoubtfire18 · 28/07/2023 22:07

Who knows, maybe she was just being polite!
Yeah, maybe I should've. I just thought I'd have more success if I said, which days next week can you do? Rather than, can you come Tuesday at 3. Maybe I was wrong

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:10

LiloP · 28/07/2023 22:06

I am not British and really struggle to make friends. I feel like there is some social code I don’t understand. Twice I have asked a mum friend to meet for drinks (one is a mum I regularly meet for playdates with the toddlers and the other a school mum), both said “yes great” on whatsapp and then nothing else. Does that mean they don’t want to but too polite to say it?

playdate mum regularly meets me with the children but never alone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can’t be that awful or maybe she has “going out” friends and I am the mum friend?

I think you should suggest a time and a date to the other mum. Hopefully she will have my rule in place and will be able to make it 😂

If she can't make it, the onus is then on her to say "sorry, I can't do that day how about Thursday at 6" and then hopefully you will be able to make it.

If she doesn't respond with an alternative day and time, I would personally think she isn't interested in meeting up with you outside of the playground.

LiloP · 28/07/2023 22:13

Thank you @Dacadactyl it’s so hard to navigate this! Harder than dating 😅🙈

if she says no and doesn’t suggest anything else, I assume she only wants playdates with me. Would that mean I am only “good enough” to meet when she is at a lose ends on Friday mornings and doesn’t want me as a friend generally?

LiloP · 28/07/2023 22:14

I know she meets others for drinks etc so childcare or money doesn’t seem to be the issue.

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:23

Sorry to derail your thread a bit OP but @LiloP I wouldn't say it's that "you're not good enough" its just that people are busy and if they already have friends locally it's REALLY hard to break into a social group as an outsider.

My rule came into being when a mum asked me to go on a night out with her and her local group of friends (I had moved 200 miles from home) and I turned her down. Never was invited again and don't see her anymore. I regret that, which is why I always say yes now, barring an absolute tragedy.

Other people may very well have a different take on it all though, so OP may well get differing responses the longer the thread stays up.

Good luck.

OP, there may also be a language barrier between you and this lady when it comes to the written word, so it may well be that she misunderstood what you were getting at.

LiloP · 28/07/2023 22:35

Sorry for derailing OP! And thanks @Dacadactyl for helping me navigate. As a foreigner it’s so difficult to make local friends despite having kids (but obviously also means less time to socialize and for hobbies).

Saverage · 29/07/2023 08:29

I think I'd have given up with you as well OP. She took initiative by asking you for dinner, she asked for your number. For the first lunch you didn't offer her any specific dates you would be free, but expected her to look up and offer them. Then you didn't want to travel 45 mins to see her.

Maybe she isn't regularly in your area, so has just given up on the idea of you both ever being able to find a suitable date / place. I don't think this is one of the classic 'let's meet for coffee' with no intention of doing so situations.

Archeron · 29/07/2023 08:34

I have the same problem. I’ve texted a couple of mums I’ve met, asking to meet for coffee, maybe our kids could play together if they’re free or we could just have coffee. They’ve said yes great, will get back to you with my availability. Months have passed and they haven’t replied. I don’t know whether to just accept it as a rejection and leave them alone? Or whether I’m supposed to follow up with another text saying I’m still up for this if you’re free?

Saverage · 29/07/2023 08:41

Archeron · 29/07/2023 08:34

I have the same problem. I’ve texted a couple of mums I’ve met, asking to meet for coffee, maybe our kids could play together if they’re free or we could just have coffee. They’ve said yes great, will get back to you with my availability. Months have passed and they haven’t replied. I don’t know whether to just accept it as a rejection and leave them alone? Or whether I’m supposed to follow up with another text saying I’m still up for this if you’re free?

I'd follow up once, with a 'hey, shall we try again to get a date in for this?'. If they don't reply I'd not follow up again.

girlfriend44 · 29/07/2023 13:37

AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 28/07/2023 22:04

I think she was just being 'polite' and had no intention of meeting you.

whats polite about that though, better to say nothing.

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