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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know if I'm very intelligent

32 replies

dudummm · 28/07/2023 19:58

I've just been away on a work trip where I attended a few meetings with colleagues and I've just come away feeling so dumb.

I'm in a customer facing / business development type role in the tech sector and have recently started a new job.

I just don't know if I've got it in me. I remember as a junior going to meetings like this with other people new like me and they always seemed so in control of meetings and able to just harp on about stuff. I find it hard to follow conversations about things and products I don't fully understand. But I feel like colleagues are just able to chat about things so confidently ( even when they're not experts themselves on the subject ).

I always feel out of my depth, even when I've actually been at a company for a while. I'm starting to think I'm just not that smart or my brain is broken or something.

I have degrees and stuff, but I just don't think I'm quick / able to grasp things as fast as others do.

Does anyone else feel this way ? How do I go about getting help to get better, without looking stupid ?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 29/07/2023 08:54

My DD had cognitive testing alongside her ASD assessment it showed that she was extremely gifted in 3/5 areas - the more academic and technical areas but her processing speed and working me more were just high average. This has the impact that she knows and understands a lot but needs a couple of extra minutes processing the information so if a class goes too fast or she's put on the spot to answer a question then she really struggles.

I'm not saying you have ASD but a mismatch of your more intellectual skills and your processing are possible leading to you knowing you are intelligent but not following fast paced meetings.

Original poster
dudummm · 29/07/2023 08:55

UnsungShero · 29/07/2023 08:47

Can I give you a tip, OP?

In meetings, ask those present to explain the acronyms they’re using if they’re not ones you’re familiar with.

So they’re bleating on going “the problem here is that there was a delay with the integration files and the PKL failed”.

You jump and say (in a light tone), “I’ve just joined and still getting my head around everything, can I just ask what PKL stands for?”

One of two things will happen-

Ideally-
They’ll tell you. You’ve increased your knowledge and have asked a good question that shows you’re interested and engaged.

Or… and this happens a lot more than you’d think… they don’t know what the acronym stands for. It’s just always been used and they didn’t ask when they joined. They know what it is but they don’t know what the letter actually stands for.

In my experience, they falter a bit, laugh, and say “oh, I’m actually not sure. We’ve always used it. Does anyone else know?” and this leads to a murmured conversation around the table with people trying to figure it out and admitting they also don’t know. They feel sheepish and a little embarrassed because they’ve had to admit they don’t know.

You are now the most intelligent person in the room 😁

Honestly, try it.

I learned this from my previous boss who is one of the most amazingly intelligent people I’ve ever met.

Very good tip. That's exactly why I couldn't follow some of it. So many acronyms! And also names of vendors I'm not familiar with yet. So the conversation went something like ' well we use WYO to Automate HGI. We are generally quite pleased with it, but are finding that our internal MVW's are stuck doing a lot of UVP's.'

I would then chime up occasionally and ask, well what's the impact of this on your internal MVW's ? Or something like that.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 29/07/2023 08:55

Working me more = Working memory

Middlelanehogger · 29/07/2023 08:58

Some good tips. I would also add, work out what format makes you feel the most comfortable for asking questions, and find a few "allies" at your new job who are kind and helpful. This isn't necessarily direct colleagues but e.g. if you're in BD, maybe an engineer or architect who knows the products well.

For example I need to see everything laid out so I can see the interrelations, so I know I engage well with architectural diagrams and system maps and I always seek out the architects in companies I work with if I can.

Similarly I like drawing on whiteboards and I like 1-1 sessions where I can go as deep as I want to in asking my questions and trying to understand truly where the problem lies, so I invite key people beforehand to set them up. Maybe you would prefer to receive the product brochures in advance of the big meeting so you can peruse them on your own.

Work out what you need and just confidently ask for it. If the big meeting where everyone's rapid-firing questions isn't your sweet spot, work around it :)

HappiestSleeping · 29/07/2023 09:04

UnsungShero · 29/07/2023 08:47

Can I give you a tip, OP?

In meetings, ask those present to explain the acronyms they’re using if they’re not ones you’re familiar with.

So they’re bleating on going “the problem here is that there was a delay with the integration files and the PKL failed”.

You jump and say (in a light tone), “I’ve just joined and still getting my head around everything, can I just ask what PKL stands for?”

One of two things will happen-

Ideally-
They’ll tell you. You’ve increased your knowledge and have asked a good question that shows you’re interested and engaged.

Or… and this happens a lot more than you’d think… they don’t know what the acronym stands for. It’s just always been used and they didn’t ask when they joined. They know what it is but they don’t know what the letter actually stands for.

In my experience, they falter a bit, laugh, and say “oh, I’m actually not sure. We’ve always used it. Does anyone else know?” and this leads to a murmured conversation around the table with people trying to figure it out and admitting they also don’t know. They feel sheepish and a little embarrassed because they’ve had to admit they don’t know.

You are now the most intelligent person in the room 😁

Honestly, try it.

I learned this from my previous boss who is one of the most amazingly intelligent people I’ve ever met.

This 👆

My experience is that people rise to their natural level of incompetence. Sounds harsh, but it is really common for senior leaders to have had one promotion too many for a variety of reasons. I have learned to assume that they don't know what they are doing to the level one might have expected.

Asking questions often brings out details and, as the @UnsungShero says, will bring you to the fore for clearing up misunderstandings.

As for running meetings, just make sure of three things:-

  1. Have an agenda - what is the desired output of the meeting? If there isn't one, then it's just a conversation.
  2. Be sure that every attender knows the value they will receive, or the value they will contribute. This will cut your attendance list down to only those who need to be there.
  3. Keep to the agenda and try to ensure everyone contributes. It's often the quietest people who should be speaking.

Good luck. I too suffer from imposter syndrome, so understand where you're at.

Rubyupbeat · 29/07/2023 09:23

@PastTheGin thanks for sharing about imposter syndrome, I had not heard of it. I haven't worked for years, I am pushing 60 now and have been happy as I am, but lately I feel totally thick and useless (I have a doctorate) I would love to do voluntary work and also go on protests (yes, I know) but I feel unable to contribute anything, I feel I am rubbish. I will definitely look into this and maybe see if I can get counselling too. Probably part menopause, I only stopped my periods 2 years ago.

Chinhairsoftheworldunite · 22/12/2023 11:57

How much prep do you do before each meeting? When I feel like this, I do a lot of prep and usually find that helps

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