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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this annoy you?

17 replies

beckym232 · 28/07/2023 10:09

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd together and I have an older dc from a previous relationship. Life is stressful, we both work and have very little help with the dc.

Next week we have one day where dd is at nursery and my eldest is out all day and night with his dad. I suggested booking a day leave each so dh and I can just go and do something together without the kids...cinema maybe, nice lunch somewhere. Not fussy, just time together.

I've had to repeatedly nag dh to book the leave and he still hasn't done it. I just feel really deflated. We never get any opportunities for quality time just us two and he has form for being really unenthusiastic about planning stuff and going out. He's become quite boring if I'm honest. He usually uses the kids as an excuse as to why we can't do this and that but this time he hasn't got excuse and I just don't know why he's so reticent to actually want to go out and have a bit of fun together.

Having to repeatedly ask him has already sucked the enthusiasm out of it for me and I don't plan on asking again. But aibu to find this really annoying and actually quite hurtful? I'm trying to make an effort to spend time with him and he's just not bothered. I'm tempted to book the day off myself and just do something alone - swim, gym, lunch whatever but it makes me feel shit that he wouldn't want to join me. We both wfh and see each other all the time so getting out would be really nice.

OP posts:
Flisss · 28/07/2023 10:13

Yea its hurtful. Take the day off and arrange something with a friend.

PeanutButterOnToad · 28/07/2023 10:18

Yes, that is shit. I would be annoyed/upset too. I know it’s not the same but don’t waste the day, plan something nice for yourself.

ChrisPPancake · 28/07/2023 10:19

It does sound like he's not prioritising spending the day with you.
You've said you're having to nag him to book the leave, but you also write "I'm tempted to book the day off myself..." Does that mean you haven't booked it yet either?! If so maybe he's thinking you're not that into the idea of spending the day with him?

Newusernameaug · 28/07/2023 10:22

I’d make sure I was very clear with him - make some time for me and our relationship or it’s going to keep deteriorating beyond repair and I’d let him know it will be his doing when you separate unless he sorts himself out sharpish.

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 10:23

Is it possible since you both wfh and see each other all the time that having a day off together doesn’t seem that different to him?

Do you two have time away from each other?

Original poster
beckym232 · 28/07/2023 10:24

ChrisPPancake · 28/07/2023 10:19

It does sound like he's not prioritising spending the day with you.
You've said you're having to nag him to book the leave, but you also write "I'm tempted to book the day off myself..." Does that mean you haven't booked it yet either?! If so maybe he's thinking you're not that into the idea of spending the day with him?

No I haven't because I was waiting to see if we actually are going to do anything. I wasn't sure if I really fancied taking a day off to spend alone (friends all busy with their families/kids/holidays with it being summer). But the more I think about it the more I think I will.

I just don't know why asking him to spend time with me feels like a chore. God forbid he would ever suggest anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
beckym232 · 28/07/2023 10:27

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 10:23

Is it possible since you both wfh and see each other all the time that having a day off together doesn’t seem that different to him?

Do you two have time away from each other?

Rarely. It's very stifling at times. Being at home all day together (albeit in different rooms) and not seeing many other people doesn't really leave us with much to talk about. We don't have help with the dc so it's not often we can go out as a couple. Hence why I thought this would be a good opportunity.

I do go out to classes and to see friends more than him. He really doesn't do much at all to be honest so it's not a case of him prioritising going to the pub or anything like that, he just does very little in general. Not very dynamic.

OP posts:
Dombasle · 28/07/2023 10:32

What a shame. I would make it clear to him that you are making an effort to prioritise time spent together when the rare opportunity occurs and his reluctance to show any enthusiasm is causing a major dent in your relationship.

It should be a time of excitement at having an occasional free day to be together and have some couple time together.

As if stands, he isn't interested so go out and do something nice for yourself and let misery guts go to work or stay at home on his dull arse.

Cakeorchocolate · 28/07/2023 10:45

I understand this. Multiple times last year I asked dh to book a day off, any day, and go for a day out together to do something I wanted to do. I didn't nag him to do it or pin him to a specific date. My work is completely flexible and his isn't so every now and then I would mention that I would like to do it.

He never did. So literally the last possible day of the year I dropped dd at school and thought sod it, I'll go myself. It's a shame he didn't see the value in that time together, I really wish he did, but it was fairly liberating to just go and spend the day doing what I wanted, without having to cater to anyone else's wants or needs.

So my advice is just book the day off and do whatever you want. Try to enjoy it.

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 11:14

beckym232 · 28/07/2023 10:27

Rarely. It's very stifling at times. Being at home all day together (albeit in different rooms) and not seeing many other people doesn't really leave us with much to talk about. We don't have help with the dc so it's not often we can go out as a couple. Hence why I thought this would be a good opportunity.

I do go out to classes and to see friends more than him. He really doesn't do much at all to be honest so it's not a case of him prioritising going to the pub or anything like that, he just does very little in general. Not very dynamic.

Show quote history

So he’s an introvert that enjoys being at home? Has he always been this way or something new?

Original poster
beckym232 · 28/07/2023 11:26

@phoenixrosehere I wouldn't call him an introvert. He isn't introverted once you actually get him out and around people. He's just quite lazy about actually making and sticking to plans.

But yeah he spends 99% of his time at home given that he works from home and never sees his friends. He wasn't like this when we first got together but working from home since covid and having dd seems to have made him a lot less dynamic. Plus he probably feels like he doesn't need to make the effort after 7 years together which is sad.

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 28/07/2023 11:30

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 10:23

Is it possible since you both wfh and see each other all the time that having a day off together doesn’t seem that different to him?

Do you two have time away from each other?

Surely a day off going out is literally the opposite of both working from home though.

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 11:36

Hufflepods · 28/07/2023 11:30

Surely a day off going out is literally the opposite of both working from home though.

Show quote history

Was asking about OP’s DH and to some having a day off together when you both wfh and see each other all the time is not that big of a difference compared to one spouse wfh or both spouses being away from each other.

ThisWormHasTurned · 28/07/2023 12:09

Mine was like this. He WFH. I had time off with health problems. It felt like we were around each other all the time but never had proper time together. I remember distinctly he said he’d take the day off for my birthday, then he said he’d finish early. In the end he barely finished on time. It was symbolic of other issues.
If I were you, I’d book the day off and make plans. Do something fun. If he doesn’t want to join in, that’s up to him..I wouldn’t sit around waiting for him to be proactive.

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 12:38

beckym232 · 28/07/2023 11:26

@phoenixrosehere I wouldn't call him an introvert. He isn't introverted once you actually get him out and around people. He's just quite lazy about actually making and sticking to plans.

But yeah he spends 99% of his time at home given that he works from home and never sees his friends. He wasn't like this when we first got together but working from home since covid and having dd seems to have made him a lot less dynamic. Plus he probably feels like he doesn't need to make the effort after 7 years together which is sad.

Have you told him how you feel and what his actions, lack there of, say to you?

My DH and I have been in the same rut and we also don’t have any family help. We do lunches once or twice a month. Instead of one of us doing all the planning, we sit down and discuss it together. We decide on the day and time, go over a list of restaurants we like and their menus, and he’ll book it while I put it on the calendar. Do walks around our neighbourhood and different parks (he’s a runner so checking out new running routes with him and I love walking). We’re working on doing movie nights but our sons are struggling with bedtime atm due to the lack of darkness.

IncompleteSenten · 28/07/2023 12:40

Ask him if he's not booking the leave because he doesn't want to spend the day with you.

UsingChangeofName · 28/07/2023 16:09

phoenixrosehere · 28/07/2023 10:23

Is it possible since you both wfh and see each other all the time that having a day off together doesn’t seem that different to him?

Do you two have time away from each other?

I am inclined to agree with this.

If dh said "I want to go to X. Will you come? Can you book the day off?" then it would seem worthwhile booking the day off to go to X.
But if dh said "Will you book a day off so we can spend time together?" I'd be a bit Hmm if we were already spending 24 / 7 together. Seems an odd waste of a day's AL to me.

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