To start saying no to DM?

[Wondeyr]

My DM is 70, in good health, she has a husband (not my bio father), since retiring 5 years ago she gets bored.

She's a bit of an intense character so doesn't have friends, no hobbies (finds fault with everything...) and everything I've suggested that she maybe try, to be less bored, is shut down.

What she wants is to visit me and "help". This means picking her up from the nearest bus stop 30 minutes away, so an hour trip to pick her up and another hour to drop her off.

And "helping" means her doing whatever she fancies. I admit I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment with a hell of a lot to do, and I'm finding her visits exhausting. She sticks to me like glue and just wants to chat or go shopping. I get much less done!

AIBU to start saying no to the visits?

How often does she do this? Would you cope if maybe it was once a month or do you need it to be never?

Yup. Your mother siubds far too much. You need to set boundaries. Explain you have x y z to do . You have a b time to be with her.
Of she chooses " her time" to be you driving to/ from bus stop then so be it. Even if she knows better, stick to whst you can " affird " to give practically snd emotionally.
If she wears you down completely you won't have anything to give.
Don't be fooled by no friends no hobbies etc. If push comes to shove she'll find something to do.
Self preservation is first and foremost.

It's once a week, sometimes twice a week (but not often) - I'd feel far, far too guilty to say never!

I have said before that we can leave it a few weeks until 'next time' but then she'll phone saying she's bored and wants to come help.

Could you ask her what help she is offering then point out what's actually been done during previous visits and say really that's not helping me with anything. Then suggest a monthly catch up to just spend the day together and suggest she takes up hobbies to keep busy?

I honestly think you should do what’s best for you. If you’re overwhelmed you’re more likely to burn out and that won’t be a good thing for you or your mum (or anyone else).

Can you perhaps limit the visits, or suggest your mum helps in a more useful way (assuming there are things she can help with)?

Tbh your DM sounds a bit like my DM. My DM expects a lot of technological support and I just don’t have the time to help her. The way I think about it is to continue would mean I would be enabling her to become more and more technologically isolated and dependent on me, and I’d end up being her extremely resentful PA, which didn’t seem a positive prospect.

Have you asked for help? If she wants to come help, it only works if she is actually healing with something that is constructive. If she just wants some company - then it needs to be arranged at a time that works for you both.

You're not saying no to her coming over or spending time with you - just no to inconvenient visits that actually cause more stress.