Grandmother passed away

[Anonymous202305]

Apologies for the long post! So my grandmother passed away recently after many years of being unwell. My grandmother had 2 sons and 2 daughters, 1 son stopped speaking to her 35 years ago, the other around 15 years ago. My Aunt had a falling out with her around 5 years ago and hasn't spoken to her since. My cousins also stopped speaking to her at the same time their mum did. My mum is the only one of her children who still had contact with her. I should also mention that when my uncles and Aunt stopped speaking to her they also cut the rest of the family out too so I have not heard from any of them including cousins etc for over 5 years! My grandmother was devastated by this but also a very stubborn lady and made it clear she did not want any of the to attend her funeral, if they didn't want to know her when she was alive then why should they come pay their respects when she is gone. In her final days I must admit I did question whether we should contact other members of the family but decided against it as we didn't want anything to upset my grandmother as we were unsure if she was aware she was dying and thought long lost family turning up may have been to upsetting and also wanted to follow her wishes. Same with the funeral. My mum has just phoned me saying she had just bumped into my aunt who proceeded to scream at her in the street calling her a spiteful b*tch and that she hoped her and all her family died etc I have said this is obviously due to her own grief and guilt of abandoning my grandmother but my mum is now questioning if we were in the wrong to not inform them? I don't think we owed them anything as we all live relatively close together and I know for a fact my Aunt knew how extremely ill my grandmother became a few years ago (she was never expected to hold on as long as she did) she was bed bound for the last 8 months of her life and me and my mum did as much as we could for her right until the end. The way I look at it is my loyalties lied with my grandmother and not the family that disowned us?
I should mention that I was very close with my cousins growing up and we spent lots of time together with my grandmother most weekends and holidays etc so it is also very hurtful to be cut out and not even know why

Sorry for your loss; I don’t think you did anything wrong - it was following her wishes and she had no contact with them

Your aunt just started shouting in the street at your mum? Was there a conversation first?

I expect there’s a lot to the story for so many fall outs.

I don’t have contact with some of my family, I feel no guilt about ‘abandoning’ them, that’s not really what happens, so I wouldn’t presume that your aunt is feeling that.

Just move on, everyone has their own lives. Life is complicated.

You did right by your grandmother. Take comfort in that. You sound very much better off without these people in your life.

No conversation, saw her across the road and started shouting lots of obscene things!

I assumed she was feeling that way as can think of no other reason for such an extreme outburst. I mean if she honestly felt no guilt or regret then why act that way?

Of course there were reasons for the fall outs etc but nothing that warranted disowning everyone. For example my aunt and nan had a falling out but it had nothing to do with me or my cousins etc but they stopped talking to all of us? Again their choice and maybe they had their reasons (would've been nice to know if they felt I had done something)

And agreed, that's what we were doing with trying to move on with our own lives. Was just after outside opinions as my mum has been quite upset by this and obviously my opinion is going to be biased.

I just think there will be a lot you don’t know and everyone will have their own take on what has happened.

You have done what you feel is right, that’s all you can do.

Your grandmother doesn't sound like a pleasant person and her unpleasantness has filtered down onto her own DC by the sounds of it

The best thing would be for all the siblings and cousins to get together to discuss one at a time their feelings towards your grandmother and what it was about her that upset them so much.

This has to be done in such a way that each person gets their say without anyone's comments or interruptions so an argument doesn't ensue.

Everyone just listens to each others experiences

It very much sounds like she was an abusive or negligent mother, emotional or physical

Each of her children being different ages would have had different experiences

I wonder why your DM stuck by her.

Was she the youngest ?

You loyalty should only lie with the family you are close to - in this case your grandmother and not your aunt and uncles. It was important that your Grandmother had peace at the end of her life, and it sounds like the extended family would have brought chaos (because they thought it was acceptable to scream at your mother).
I am NC with my family and I do wonder if they are all still alive sometimes. I would respect not being told because it would open too many wounds to be included in a loop that I cut myself away from.
You did the right thing.

I'm not sure how I made my grandmother sound like not a pleasant person 🤷 obviously there are 2 sides to every argument and I'm not saying my grandmother didn't have her faults but she was definitely not an unpleasant person! To be honest I'm not even interested in their reasons anymore, regardless of how they felt about her they chose to cut me (and other family off for literally no reason because of it. My point was it was their choice to not have anything to do with us so I don't feel the anger directed at my mum was fair when all we did was just not contact them and followed my grandmother's wishes.

No my mother was second oldest and not big age gaps. Also she was definitely not abusive! I think this is why I have been so hurt by all of this as the fall outs have been over stupid petty things, nothing life changing or as dramatic as it may seem! Obviously I can only comment on how she was as a grandmother and go by what I've been told by my aunts/uncles when we were speaking but pretty sure my mum would've known if she had been abusive to any of them!

I think your mother did the wrong thing. They should have been told, I doubt they would have attended the funeral but it was wrong not to inform them that she had died.

OP, I don’t wish to upset you which is why I didn’t word things so bluntly as others have, but....there’s always a reason why people fall out. Cutting out parents and close family is rarely done lightly. This is why people are presuming that your grandmother was maybe unpleasant. There will most likely be a huge backstory, you will not know everything from every side. There may be reasons why your aunt is so angry with you mum.

You say you’re not interested in their reasons so you need to just let it go.

Mass fallouts with the same person usually have a common cause, even if the background is complex.

I have a family like this. It’s hard work and I keep contact to a minimum.

Personally I’m of the opinion that funerals are for the living and not the dead person - in your position I would have told them she had died and left them to decide.

I think it’s pretty terrible not to have told someone their parent died.