For resenting my husband who doesn’t understand how draining fertility issues are

[Gustavo21]

hello all, looking for some advice on whether I am being unreasonable to my husband… we first start ttc in September 2020 which resulted in two pregnancies, one lost around 6 weeks and another that ended in a really traumatic molar pregnancy. We had a break and started to properly try again around a year ago.

Skip to now.. and still nothing. I am getting so fed up, deflated and depressed by ttc as it really feels like this journey has been going on for a really long time. Every month ends in squinting for positive lines, tears when AF arrives and tears every time I see a new pregnancy announcement. It’s also making me withdraw from friends. I have read so many posts on here and I know I’m not alone in feeling like this but usually the partner is feeling the same way! What’s really getting to me at the moment is my husbands just seems to be so blasé about it! He thinks he will manifest it to happen, positive mental attitude etc etc, never seems upset… and this is starting to really get on my nerves. I don’t think he understands how draining this is and thinks we can just carry on like this for another 10 years… He suggested this month that I join a support group to help me cope, like this is just my issue that we aren’t conceiving.

He says it’s his coping mechanism to stay positive but I’m really struggling to get on that page with him and it’s making me resent him on this horrible journey.

We have a fertility appointment in august which is positive though.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I indeed being unreasonable… sending love to anyone else going through a tough time with fertility. Xxxx

Infertility is really hard and you've been through two very traumatic experiences already. But thing is that we can't expect others to feel exactly the same as we do about a situation, humans just don't work like that. Joining a support group is a good idea as you will find people that feel similarly to you and will sympathise with the sadness, the despair, the jealousy and the guilt. And truthfully having a support network when going through infertility is invaluable. Accept that your husband feels differently about the situation but you can ask that he also has to accept how you feel too - meaning no toxic positivity or diminishing your feelings - because those are real and they are valid. Wishing you the best.

Thank you. Yes you’re totally right. I guess I wish I could be more positive myself but find that really hard at this stage and his positivity just grates on me and makes my feeling feel invalid. But you are completely right as everyone is different! Just a bloody hard journey.

Sorry to hear about your losses

Have you both had fertility checks already, including semen analysis for him? I assume they gave you the all clear after the molar to start TTC again? It took me years ago drag DH to have a semen check done. I had no idea till afterwards how scared to death he was of having to provide one. Have you tried talking to your partner about how you feel?

How old are you? Maybe take a break for a month or 2. I never used to tell DH when I was fertile, as felt this was an added pressure. I did, however, try to book weekends away during that time. We TTC 13yrs, lost 3 and no kids- so I know it can be a long, hard slog. Especially when it feels like everyone else is having babies. You arent alone though. You might find that speaking to others in a similar situation is actually beneficial. Ideally though- I'd ask DH to also find a male group to also do the same. best of luck x

I can't speak of infertility precisely but about the relentless optimism thing..my partner does it and eventually I had to tell him quite bluntly that it doesn't help and makes me feel like I can't tell him things. Looking on the bright side in a general way is absolutely fine in a "don't seat the small stuff" kind of way but this isn't small stuff and I think he needs to be told that, possibly by someone other than you. I do agree with others though that an empathetic support group would probably be helpful. Good luck.

Thank you @CC4712 yes, we had the all clear around 4 months after. And we’ve just recently had the first few tests inc semen and all came back ok. We have our first appointment with a clinic next week.

I’m 34, so I’m hoping time is slightly on my side but I’m still conscious that I’m not longer in my 20s! We’ll have to see if the tests from the clinic show anything.

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses and your time spent TTC. It’s really such a draining journey so I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through that. Did you come to decision to just stop trying after a time? I’ve tried to say to my husband that I don’t think I can continue to do this until I’m 40 for example, which would be nearly 10 years of trying, because it is having such a negative effect on me and he just brushes it off and says he doesn’t want to talk about not having kids. 🙄

@BibbleandSqwauk thank you! Toxic positivity is the right word! And also an incessant need to fix everything all the time, rather than just admitting it is crap. I think this is quite a male thing though!

I agree about the support groups and have started to have a look through - thanks all :) x

I’d recommend Fertility Network UK, there’s loads of nice understanding people on that. I’ve been trying for 5.5yrs now and it’s killing me. The only people who truly understand are those going through it themselves, so a forum like that one is so valuable. You can vent and people get it!

Aren’t you the one doing the heavy lifting I’m terms of the fertility treatment?

Its easy for him to be positive, he’s not the one whose body is being ravaged.

Yes, you are being unreasonable to expect your dh to deal with it in the same way as you. You are not unreasonable to expect him to have some empathy for how you are feeling though.

Infertility is pretty brutal, but, for many people it's also a very long Road. Being at odds with each other won't help either of you really. Maybe find time to sit and chat about what it means to each of you and how you feel, also what you need from each other.

I'm a 'just get on with it' personality. It was better for me that DH dealt with everything matter of factly, although in his case that was assuming it just wouldn't happen. I just went about my life and tried to ignore the fact that I wasn't pregnant and treated the medical stuff as routine. Our 'journey' was 17 years, so you do have to learn to accept it somewhere along the line or it can destroy you.

I also found comfort and support in other places instead of home. Online groups or close friends were invaluable. It meant that we had time together not always talking or thinking about pregnancy or next steps. Inevitably when we talked about it together it ended in tears or emotional stress for both of us.

You can't change people though, if he's a positive fixer then he is. All you can do is manage your own feelings and responses around that.

Good luck

YABU to feel like, and sorry for your losses. I don't think he can be expected to feel the same when you have to go through the physical side of it all. Would it help to see a counselor, perhaps a fertility focused one?

What’s really getting to me at the moment is my husbands just seems to be so blasé about it! He thinks he will manifest it to happen, positive mental attitude etc etc, never seems upset… and this is starting to really get on my nerves. I don’t think he understands how draining this is and thinks we can just carry on like this for another 10 years… He suggested this month that I join a support group to help me cope, like this is just my issue that we aren’t conceiving.

YANBU to find the whole situation upsetting and draining. In the nicest way possible, I do think it's a bit unreasonable to resent him for seemingly not understanding how upset you are, then resent him further for suggesting you try a support group to help you cope with that upset. If you don't want to try the support group then of course that's fine, it's not for everyone, but I don't think he was wrong to suggest it.

Just because he doesn't appear upset, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel sad every month when your AF shows up. Unless he's criticising you for getting upset or discouraging you from showing your feelings then he is not being unreasonable to handle his emotions differently. Some people need to let it all out, have a good cry, talk about how hard it is, that's just how they cope. But for some people that isn't helpful and would make them feel worse because maintaining a positive outlook is what gets them through.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much with infertility, it mu be incredibly difficult. However I thin, you really need to have a rethink about how you are feeling about your husband. Imagine if he posted a thread on a chat forum about how you are reacting to infertility compared with him.

He sounds sympathetic and caring. You need to let him deal with this in a way that suits him.

My DH was so similar to this! It is him that is infertile but as is usually the case it fell on me to monitor period & ovulation, be devastated when AF turned up, and then fell to me to take the brunt in our ivf journey, and he was always a ‘you have to stay positive!’ man… whereas I am more a realist and more emotionally switched on I guess?
It used to really annoy me, then after one particularly upsetting appointment (for me) we were driving home and I was crying and he was telling me ‘we just have to stay positive and stop focusing on the small bits of bad news and see the bigger picture’ and I just lost my shit 🤷🏼‍♀️ told him I am sick of being told that positivity makes a baby, when actually it is science and bloody good luck and him telling me I HAD to stay positive made me feel like he was putting even more pressure on me like I could control the outcome by staying positive and that he was invalidating my feelings by telling me to stop focusing on the small parts of bad news and that I had every right to dwell on them and pick them apart.

It did the trick and he never ever used the P word with me again, and now it’s just ‘I know’ ‘I understand’ ‘here, have a chocolate bar’ and whilst I know he’s just saying what he knows is the safe option instead of what he’s really thinking, im bloody grateful 😂

That would drive me mad. He's essentially brushing over how hard this is for you and seems to have very little understanding that you're carrying the physical burden of this all.

He's not actually telling the OP how to behave though. He's saying 'his' way of coping is to be positive. His way of dealing with his OWN emotions are just as valid as the OP.

Women do have more to deal with with infertility but that's hardly the man's fault is it. It's biology.

Its the same type of thing when people die, some people are very emotional and some people much less so. Neither is wrong.

The thing is...you're both right. It's a shit situation, and sometimes there's just no good way of handling it.

I'd guess that a big part of his positivity is that he's seen that you're already obviously feeling low about it, and he's terrified that if he gives in to the misery it might make everything even worse for you.

I was negative from the very start of my TTC journey, I'd no known fertility issues but just had a feeling I'd struggle and I was right. Even when doing IVF I thought by saying I knew it wouldn't work would help when it failed, my DH found my negativity draining but I just couldn't muster up any positivity about it. It ended in miscarriage.

I continued with my negativity until 2.5 years ago, even though it had been 7 years since we'd TTC I started to be more positive, call it manifesting if you will. I felt I'd nothing to lose. Two months later I was pregnant. My DC is nearly two and I'm pregnant again age 40, from the time DC was born I just kept saying I'll have another, I knew I would.

Now, before anyone jumps on me to say it's all hocus pocus that may well be I'm just saying there's a lot to be said for positivity. I know its hard to be positive when you want something so badly that every time you think about it you feel negative because thats exactly how I felt, I used to eye roll when friends told me I should be positive but one friend was really into it and I saw things happen for her so I changed tack although it was really hard to change that mindset.

Everyone deals with infertility differently. I've been there, I know how miserable and isolating it can be but I'm guessing this is your DHs coping mechanism.

To be fair to him I am your husband in this scenario and he is you (ie I am choosing to be optimistic and positive because it helps me cope, he is finding our challenges much harder). So I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to cope.

Did you come to decision to just stop trying after a time?
OP- To answer your question why I stopped after 13yrs TTC. Not only did I lose 3, but also had 2 rounds of IVF. I was 34 when started TTC, 38 when I lost the 1st pregnancy and 41/42 with the 2 rounds of IVF.

It was only then that a consultant said that I'd have more chance with donor eggs. It was the 1st time anyone had mentioned it and even though she said there 'might' be a chance with my own eggs, I knew that was very unlikely. This is despite every test showing no cause for sub-fertility- except 1 consultant which said it was due to 'my old eggs'! I never found the IVF or TTC draining. I tried to stay positive and get on with things.

I did look into donor eggs both in the UK and Spain, but also wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. This was in the midst of covid by then. I also had to think about my age and DH who is 5yrs older than me. I was worried about having a child starting school when DH would be nearly 55, let along high school, uni etc etc

I have a happy life though and now a dog. I have started reading about foster caring which we might consider x