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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he will never be in touch again

14 replies

myspecialchild · 27/07/2023 09:18

I
Posted before about a situation I was in and asked if a man I was seeing for a few months was genuine or fibbing me off, in their opinion.
Overwhelming opinion was that he was genuine but for me to run for the hills as his life is a mess at the
Moment.
To cut a long story short ...
He broke up with an ex gf is 18 months the same weekend as I met him. No crossover.
She has reacted badly and things are really shit there. She gave him an STI and he is feeling disgusting and repulsion towards himself.
His exw is refusing a court order to move and sell their family home so he is renting from a family member for buttons, but no rights as to who lives in house or who visits there. Weird enmeshment stuff.
His salary will not permit a higher rent dues to maintenance and try to save to build his own home. He will likely be there for another 6/12 months.
His young adult children are only back in contact with him proper as they hated his ex. However he has said they do seem to like to control him as best they can.
He is close to and shares responsibility for the care of another sick person in his family

The list goes on.

So, I have no interest in this mess at the moment so we left things amicably saying we would be in contact in a few months when hopefully things settle down.

His ex is still ringing and pleading and asking him to do needless favours on a burner phone. Yet he still entertains her out of guilt as She expected a ring not a break up and has massive baggage herself.

Will he bother to contact? Should I just walk away now?

I fully intend to live my life, have loads of plans ,have fun and adventures in the meantime but was going to put a six month timeline on this and then simply forget it after that.
What do you think?

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 27/07/2023 09:22

I would say walk away now: this is a mess
and very unlikely to be better in six months.

Lessonsinbiology · 27/07/2023 09:25

It sounds like you should walk away. I would not contemplate this much baggage. It will lead to a lot of stress and frustration, I imagine.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 09:28

I can't even fathom why you would ever want any involvement with that human train wreck. Life is too short, and I'll bet he's the kind of person where there's always "something" going on, always some drama to contend with. No thanks. Move on.

myspecialchild · 27/07/2023 09:30

I'm trying to figure out myself why I would want to see him again but I guess we just clicked and had chemistry. It's been a while Blush

OP posts:
Taylorswiftly23 · 27/07/2023 09:30

Why are you even in any doubt about walking away from this utter shit show?

NotBotheredAnymore · 27/07/2023 09:34

myspecialchild · 27/07/2023 09:30

I'm trying to figure out myself why I would want to see him again but I guess we just clicked and had chemistry. It's been a while Blush

So it's lust? Nothing wrong with that but you are wanting a relationship with someone who isn't available (mentally or emotionally) to be in one, probably for a long while.

Do you want to risk your mental and emotional health for a physical itch?

myspecialchild · 27/07/2023 09:48

A relationship would be impossible right now. He has nothing to offer only drama and horseshit.
I just wondered about potentially giving it some time.
Do you think he'll make contact again?
Still tolerating pleading and begging from his ex out of guilt ??? After getting an STI from her and being lied to and cheated on ... makes no sense to me?

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 27/07/2023 09:51

Why are you waiting for him!? He has so much baggage and by the sounds of ot he always will.

How old are you? Do you want kids? If so, his isnt the man for you. Likewise, if you have kids I wouldnt even consider brining this man into their lives.

Stop waiting for a man.

AMuser · 27/07/2023 09:54

Loads of red flags here for me. Bear in mind you have only his word for it on all those situations.

For example, he says she gave him an STI. Well maybe he cheated and gave her one, who knows? You certainly never will.

One of these situations would be bad luck. All of them suggests to me that HE is the issue here to some degree.

You sound a little immature asking do we think he will be in touch. How would we know. But certainly you need up swerve this man, stop pining (hard I know) and not even consider having him in your life. Giving yourself allowances like “I’ll do it for 6 months and see if he sorts it all out” is nonsense and a recipe for disaster. You’d just be more smitten and more likely to fall for whatever stories he tells you.

AMuser · 27/07/2023 09:56

Also - stop trying to understand scenarios and other people’s thought processes. You’re on a hiding to nothing not least because you don’t know the truth

NotBotheredAnymore · 27/07/2023 16:02

He has nothing to offer only drama and horseshit.
I just wondered about potentially giving it some time.

Usually people who have drama and horseshit around them tend to stay in drama and horseshit for the rest of their life, it might not remain as being drama with ex, but it will be a mate, a relative, another girl who was a one night stand etc.

You don't want that life. It's unsettling, it's unfixable, it's long term and if you have a relationship with him and split....he will be telling the new love of his life that it's you creating the drama and horseshit in his life.

Don't wait. Go have a lovely life elsewhere.

WhatADrabCarpet · 27/07/2023 17:23

You really are smitten with him.

The reality is that a relationship with him will be messy, dramatic and agonising.

Why is he still in a mess ? Why has he lurched from one mess to the next?

If you are so addicted to him then carry on as you are.

Shesellsseashellsatsea · 20/01/2024 14:15

Any updates OP?

Americano75 · 20/01/2024 14:31

How do you know it wasn't him that gave her the STI?

Waaay too much going on here, I'd be giving this one a very wide berth.

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