Sensitive and demanding or subjected to abuse?

[huife]

I am now in my thirties and have had therapy for the last couple of years. I’ve started to open up about my childhood but can’t help thinking it’s all a bit of an excuse? ‘Oh my childhood was terrible so this is why I’m like this’ etc… seems a bit easy?

However, I know I am a troubled person. I am emotionally quite unstable, I read into things, rarely relax, have had multiple awful relationships where I’ve basically done anything for men who have treated me like shit. I think I’ve only really managed to have what looks like a ‘normal’ life as I have a good job and income and that can hide a multitude of personal issues. I wonder if I am the problem? My therapist says not, but of course she would, surely.

I was often compared to my sister growing up. My mum would say why couldn’t I be more like Sophie from school or more like my sibling etc. One day I remember there was a row in the car on the way home from a holiday with the four us in the car. No idea what it was about, I was maximum 14 years old, likely much younger. I remember my dad saying he was going to smack me when we got in and when we arrived I ran to my room and tried to put the chest of drawers in front of the door. Later on both him and my mum crashed into my room and fully trashed it. Everything was smashed and broken, glass and ceramics on the floor, bedding everywhere etc. I think my mum cleared it up the next day. I can’t remember. This was a one off, the house was ALWAYS immaculate and tidy and clean so I have no idea why they did this as my mum truly hated any mess so I can’t imagine she enjoyed it either.

Other times I remember being told I was like a devil. I remember being talked about with wider family members and overhearing things about how difficult I was etc.

Sometimes if I didn’t go to bed I would be dragged physically upstairs and my mum would watch. I think this may have been common at that time (80s/90s).

My parents left me alone in the house for 3 trips with my sibling (I was invited but it was for her sports matches - she was nearly playing professionally). I was probably old enough to be home alone as I was 14/15 but I remember once it went on for nearly two weeks. When they got back I had been revising in the dining room and my mum went mad that I may have damaged the table with a drink on it and all the folders. Since this happened I have been told I refused to go and was invited so it was up to me that I didn’t go. The reason I didn’t want to go was that one time I did go, I was left to either wander a town alone for five days at a time, or sit at watch my sister in numerous training days and matches. I was then told I was jealous.

I feel so torn up because my parents really wanted a perfect family life. I know they wanted me to be happy. I had everything material that I needed as well as lots of opportunity. I remember randomly saying I wanted to play piano and they arranged classes immediately and bought me a piano. My room was always clean and warm and nice. We had proper dinners and were taken on holidays to see things. They really wanted us to learn and experience things. I just struggle so much with the other stuff.

I find it hard to be around them now without thinking about it all. I have had moments of calling them out on things and they do say things like they are sorry they got things wrong but that I need to let it go now. Even today they have similar traits and I never, ever feel emotionally safe around them. I guess I’m sad really that it’s like that as I really do believe they want the best as a family. I worry I will treat my son the same way and not realise. Perhaps I am too sensitive to these things. I know far worse happens to kids.

@huife massive massive squishes.

you are not the problem.

your therapist would put it forward if so.

Your trauma - and it is trauma - stems from the abuse and neglect in your childhood.

Neglect and abuse can still occur in warm, clean, well fed households.

Abuse can be Controlling, emotional etc. Your needs for safe and secure home were abused. Trashing your room. Over the top responses etc.

Your sister sounds like the golden child. Can never do anything wrong and I bet her version of her childhood memories is very different to your experience.

I would go low contact with your family at least your parents. If there continues presence in your life doesn’t bring you joy. Makes you feel uneasy etc. Then why give them access to you to let them do that?

keep on with the therapist. Look at what low or No contact with them could look like with her? What mental and emotional freedom would that gift you?

@huife it's not you. You have unresolved trauma that is manifesting into your adulthood making you a people pleaser no matter the consequences to yourself.

You grew up in a household where you were the scapegoat for everyone else. Your sibling was the golden child. The one to be praised and loved and no matter what you said or did, nothing was ever going to meet the invisible standards your parents set. They chose to use you as the punch bag. It was their abuse and personality disorders not you. Never you.

Anyone can be a parent. There are no checks or rules. Even the worst examples of humanity can be a parent and that leads to f*cked up kids.

Keep going to therapy so you can unpack all of this. The unfairness, injustices and how you can grow and develop now so that you have boundaries in place to form healthy relationships.

thanks @TheCatterall

@FartSock5000 thanks, I struggle to see why I am a people pleaser from what happened? If anything I am always told by my parents that I was defiant and contrary … so it doesn’t really make sense to me that I would be an adult people pleaser from what I was like as a child? I find it all so confusing

I was told l was selfish and awkward.

It was only when l was in my 30’s that l realised this was trotted out whenever l didn’t do what dm wanted me to do. It was like control.

Hi op, I can relate. My upbringing was similar to yours I think. My older brother was the golden child straight A student and I was average. My parents also completely over reacted to things. We weren’t allowed chocolate or sweets. I remember taking some cooking chocolate out of the pantry once and was called a thief. If I accidentally broke something there would be weeks of blame and made to feel like shit. I was regularly told I was ‘beyond redemption’.

I was overall a good kid, went to school, did my homework. Unfortunately this ate away at my sense of self worth. My parents were very strict, spotless house, devoutly religious and had extremely high expectations. I was heavily criticised and compared to my brother.

Sadly I grew up with deep sense of shame and guilt for not being how they wanted me to be. I spent many years feeling confused about who I was compared to who I was supposed to be.

we were the ‘perfect’ family from the outside world. Appeared happy, family holidays, close extended family. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I worked out why I felt the way that I did.

Definitely trauma. It sounds as though your reaction a survival mechanism 'fight flight, freeze and fawn' a natural response to danger. Yours sounds like fawn where you please other people to stay safe. I would recommend looking at Havening which helps with trauma. There are some good videos on you tube.

The thing is, in reality, no one is just one thing. Your parents were loving in some ways, and abusive in others. The caring parts of their parenting do not cancel out the abusive parts. It's very, very difficult to reconcile the two (and more!) different sides of people and situations. I believe this is where the turmoil is coming from for you: the fact that you can see multiple facets of your parents, and of your childhood, and it's so hard when we can't just easily settle on one interpretation of how things were. The truth is, your childhood was a mixture of things. Some of the ways you were treated were abusive.

Lots of love to you as you go down this path of therapy and healing. You're doing the right thing by getting support to work through it all.

Crazy behaviour by your DPs. Possibly partly due to a weird upbringing for one of them? Do you know much of their childhood.
Just that if it is them that’s damaged you know then it’s nothing to do with you.

Yes, this.

And your childhood isn't an 'excuse' -- the point of therapy is not to say 'Oh, I'm like this because of my childhood!' as though you just leave it there. Therapy is an opportunity to understand the roots of particular behaviours and beliefs, and to change the ones that aren't working for you, or making you happy.

Absolutely this! Working out the root causes of feelings/struggles/behaviours isn't so that we can "excuse" ourselves and just sit in those feelings, but more because we can't truly heal or move on when the root causes go unseen or ignored.

Just because you had a nice home and holidays and piano lessons and nice meals, and your parents wanted you to experience new and interesting things, that doesn't mean they didn't also do emotionally cruel and damaging things to you. It doesn't really matter what their intent was, because even if they thought they were doing the right thing, the effect of the behaviour upon you is still the same.

Similarly, there are plenty of people who had parents who were always affectionate, kind and loving towards them - but also brought them up in a chaotic and inappropriate environment where they were exposed to really damaging things, and that also affects them negatively.

By accepting that our childhoods have an impact on us, we're not 'making excuses' for anything. We're just understanding ourselves a bit better. And understanding why we might behave the way we do or see things in a certain way is the first step towards being able to change the negative things and feel happier. For example, it's easier to avoid abusive relationships if you understand the reasons that you are vulnerable to abuse, and the early warning signs that you might have missed because your childhood led you to think they were normal.