Red flag? | Mumsnet

Ginger26 · 2023-07-27T00:04:07+00:00

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months everything has been going great and I have been thinking I could see it going somewhere ( I've been single over 5 years ) Tonight we were talking about past relationships etc, I mentioned what a waste of space dds dad was when she was born, how he treated me and spoke to me in the days after birth. He seemed all understanding and went on about all the stuff he done when his daughter was born and he just let his ex sleep. Then he said "when she got up she caused an argument with me and I thought 'f this" and he left. My dds dad did similar and walked out one night after an argument. This is a red flag isn't it? I'm doubting myself thinking is it cos I've been through a lot I'm looking for problems, but the fact he walked out when there was a newborn baby in the house just doesn't sit right does it? They did remain together 2 years after the baby. I'm seeing him tomorrow so plan on bringing it up then. I didn't say much on the phone when he said it.

Catsmere · 27/07/2023 01:14

Yeah, I'd be wary. At least you've had a warning early!

Original poster

Ginger26 · 27/07/2023 01:25

I definitely am wary now. I'm thinking do I just end it as that doesn't sit right with me or give him chance to explain?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 27/07/2023 01:32

You need to find out what the argument was about. He could have been removing himself from the situation. His ex had slept and, I presume quite capable of looking after their baby, so it might have been the best thing to do. I think that you are projecting your situation into his and they aren't the same given that they stayed together for years afterwards.

strongcupofTea · 27/07/2023 02:02

Personally I don't think I could be with a man who left his 2 year old baby. Especially as that's when it's common for things like romance, sex etc goes out the window so arguments are common place. I think it's rather telling of his staying power.

GiraffesNeverChangeTheirSpots · 27/07/2023 02:10

strongcupofTea · 27/07/2023 02:02

Personally I don't think I could be with a man who left his 2 year old baby. Especially as that's when it's common for things like romance, sex etc goes out the window so arguments are common place. I think it's rather telling of his staying power.

^^ this. Nobody decent does that.

GarlicGrace · 27/07/2023 02:20

When I was younger and more gullible, I would have agreed with @Ponoka7 about not jumping the gun.

Now, however, I'd consider "walked out because of an argument" a red flag by itself. Walking out is what people do when they're so angry they can't trust themselves not to harm the other person. I don't want to be with anyone who isn't able to handle their emotions in the moment (and I have been that person, I'm not setting a standard I couldn't meet myself).

The only other reason people walk out during arguments is flouncing - removing your presence as some sort of punishment. That's obviously childish and indicates they're not a person you can trust to stick around if they feel uncomfortable.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/07/2023 02:49

Mega red flag. Bin and move on.

Summer2424 · 27/07/2023 03:20

Hi @Ginger26 i agree with @strongcupofTea xx

Spottypineapple · 27/07/2023 04:55

Yes. If you're asking if it is, then you already know it is. Sorry Op

Original poster

Ginger26 · 27/07/2023 08:24

I suppose I do already know it is.
Really don't know best way to go about this now. He's sent a good morning text and I'm thinking shall I reply ending it.
Can't believe I actually thought I'd found someone decent feel so stupid I told people about him.
Least it's happened early on I suppose

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginger26 · 27/07/2023 12:03

.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 27/07/2023 12:26

Yes, walking out over an argument when you have a newborn baby definitely seems like a red flag to me.

Ponoka7 · 27/07/2023 13:15

GarlicGrace · 27/07/2023 02:20

When I was younger and more gullible, I would have agreed with @Ponoka7 about not jumping the gun.

Now, however, I'd consider "walked out because of an argument" a red flag by itself. Walking out is what people do when they're so angry they can't trust themselves not to harm the other person. I don't want to be with anyone who isn't able to handle their emotions in the moment (and I have been that person, I'm not setting a standard I couldn't meet myself).

The only other reason people walk out during arguments is flouncing - removing your presence as some sort of punishment. That's obviously childish and indicates they're not a person you can trust to stick around if they feel uncomfortable.

Or because the person who is causing an argument won't stop and is becoming more agitated. I'm of the point of view that a man doesn't have to pay hands on a woman, because they can remove themselves from the situation. Or should all men be willing to listen to verbal abuse and put up with the possibility of being attacked?

GarlicGrace · 27/07/2023 13:33

Oh, @Ponoka7, thank you so much for reminding me that women do it too and your absolutely necessary reference to all men!

In the context of a relationship I think it's generally advisable to listen to the verbal abuse, yes.

If your partner's physically assaulting you, it's obviously advisable to get away if you can't peaceably restrain them. The partner wouldn't then describe that as "walking out after an argument", however.

It may be worth noting that one person can't have an argument.

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2023 13:14

GarlicGrace · 27/07/2023 13:33

Oh, @Ponoka7, thank you so much for reminding me that women do it too and your absolutely necessary reference to all men!

In the context of a relationship I think it's generally advisable to listen to the verbal abuse, yes.

If your partner's physically assaulting you, it's obviously advisable to get away if you can't peaceably restrain them. The partner wouldn't then describe that as "walking out after an argument", however.

It may be worth noting that one person can't have an argument.

But one person can be badgering another. I had PND after my second baby. My DH's only answer at times was to leave the house. I saw him washing the dishes as a commentary on what I wasn't doing and I'd start. Luckily it was very brief thanks to the support I got. I've seen other situations with couples that I've known. Which is why she needs to explore it more. Unlike with general angry/abusive men, a woman having a tough time won't harm the children. Then you've got the complication of should a man take the newborn with him. I've worked in family services were we've advised the man to remove himself. It's more complicated for women. Some of us come from fucked up backgrounds and we aren't going to handle things as we ideally should. But we can grow and learn, which is what he might have done.

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2023 13:27

Ginger26 · 27/07/2023 08:24

I suppose I do already know it is.
Really don't know best way to go about this now. He's sent a good morning text and I'm thinking shall I reply ending it.
Can't believe I actually thought I'd found someone decent feel so stupid I told people about him.
Least it's happened early on I suppose

You shouldn’t feel stupid in the slightest.

You stared a new relationship slowly and started finding out about him before making and big steps.

You’ve behaved perfectly sensibly.

Ignoring the red flags would be the silly thing to do but you’re wary now.

Literally nothing to feel stupid about.

freedome · 30/07/2023 14:06

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/08/2023 02:42

Love bombing is a giant red flag. Too much too soon.

Original poster

Ginger26 · 14/08/2023 18:29

Which part did you class as love bombing?

OP posts:

JMSA · 14/08/2023 18:41

I think there was probably more to it than one argument. And there could have been problems even before the baby came along.