Help me decide whether or not to try and have a second child - please!

[BeeLievable]

DH and I have DD4. She is the light and love of my life and I've started to feel sad about her growing up and her childhood going so quickly.

I'm 37. After having DD I had PND and PNA. She was a terrible sleeper and for about 3 years my anxiety was crippling inside. I woke up every day with a sense of dread. I felt smothered by responsibility. I did everything for DD. DH has a commute and works long hours, I put my career on the back burner as we have no family support (lovely grandparents 400 miles away).

I'm so jealous of people with two children but only in the past few months before then I was 100% one and done. My depression and anxiety lifted once DD turned four because I felt that weight of responsibility lift as she was a bit more independent.

Should I just stick with the lovely life I have now after battling through some terrifying post natal mental health conditions (there were times I thought I'd never be happy again) or should I do it again for hopefully the long term benefits? Or will we have just as lovely a life with our one daughter?

Not sure it's worth putting yourself through that when you are in a good place and a happy family. Obviously it's completely your decision but in your shoes I probably wouldn't. I'm a very happy only child BTW :)

I wouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to put your existing child through you having PND again (if it does happen again).

You will have a lovely life with your lovely daughter 🙂 I think you have to trust your original gut decision of one DC - I think it’s very natural no matter how many children you have to feel sad about them growing up and then feeling wistful about another….
it sounds like you are in a great place and a big risk to your mental health to go through it all again.
very happy only child here too!

We can’t tell you, OP. Talk to a doctor and explore the reasons for the PND and anxiety. Did you have a chemical imbalance triggered by birth which cqn be fixed with medication? Or was it more complex, more psychological, and less treatable than that?

I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

As someone who had v v bad PND/a both times, I wish I hadn't. It was worse the second time, I was close to suicide several times.

However - I adore dd (now 20 months), she is amazing. But no, I definitely wouldn't do it again. I regret it every time I have alone days with Ds and realise how easy things would be if I hadn't.

Thank you all for replying and I'm so sorry @ClemFandango1 for what you're going through. The decision is tormenting me at the moment as none of us can know what the future holds. I want another child but not at the risk of my health as I don't want my daughter to be negatively impacted. Then I start worrying I'm selfishly depriving her of a sibling which I wish she could have. (Can you see I'm going round in circles!)

It's strange because when she was first born I was so sure I was one and done and it never crossed my mind that not giving her a sibling was even a thing. I think now everyone we know has had a second pretty much the social pressure plus my age is creating a pressurised environment.

What social pressure? Don't have a second. Sorted. I have one. He drove me literally to the brink of a breakdown. I refuse to submit my body and mind to the process again.

I am one and done. I also had awful PND AND PNA. It was bleak.

If you think the only reason you want another is because of societal pressure and “what others are doing”, I personally don’t think that’s a sound reason to bring another human into the world.

If the main pull is 'giving her a sibling' then forget that, siblings are not always a bonus to your life. Sometimes they're great, sometimes neutral and sometimes they're definitely not good at all.

If history repeats your DD would be 8 or 9 by the time you feel happy again, do you think she’d rather have a poorly mum in that time, or your health and undivided attention? Nobody NEEDS a sibling, but we all benefit from happy, healthy parents. So in your situation I wouldn’t have another. But if you do seek all the help you can from the start, and hopefully the outcome will be totally different to last time, you are older and more experienced and you aren’t guarenteed to go through all the bad stuff again.

I had awful pnd, ptsd after my eldest. But I did go on to have another knowing the risks. I've got to say I had no issues at all. Think I was already in that mindset that I've done it once and survived. I had a lovely time. My third however I had pnd again

Nah, stick with one.

Tbh "giving a child a sibling" is a roll of the dice. Some children fight like cats and dogs. Some are disinterested in each other. For every adult who has a close loving relationship with a sibling, there are plenty of others who hardly ever see their sibling, are no contact, the brother is into drugs and has been in prison, the sister has moved to Australia... You can't design it so they'll have a younger brother/sister growing up who serves as a playmate and then is a support to them in their adult years. There is a chance that baby number two would have additional needs of some kind, which would demand more of your time and energy and resources. You may then feel guilty about the lost chances for your first child.

If your first child is currently 4 - so they would be 5 when you had baby number two, and in school. If, worst case, you then had three years of extreme anxiety and depression again and only came out the other side when the baby was getting more independent, your first child would then be 8 or 9. That's a fair chunk of their childhood you would have be prevented from enjoying by illness.

My DC1 was the same age as your DD when I became pregnant with DC2. My situation is a bit different OP, because I was fine after DC1 but had severe PND and PTSD after the birth of DC2

I won't lie, it was incredibly tough. Struggling with mental illness while taking care of a baby is brutal in itself, as you know. But doing this whilst having to put on a happy face for your 5 year old is a whole other level. I remember plastering on a fake smile whilst fighting back tears at the bloody school Summer Fair, praying that the other mums didn't try to talk to me because I knew that if anyone asked me how I was I'd be liable to blurt out "I wish I was dead". Wearing sunglasses on the school run trying to hide that I'd been crying all night. Feeling relentlessly guilty for wanting to scream every time DC1 asked to play games or do crafts the second I'd got DC2 down for a nap, because all I wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up. I started hearing and seeing things that weren't there but didn't tell anyone as I was convinced my DC would be taken away.

DC2 is 4.5 now and life is generally much easier. I'm in a good place mentally, medication and therapy helped but I have also had to make changes to my lifestyle. I've reduced my hours at work and I have to be very careful about prioritising sleep and self care now, whereas I was very driven and always on the go before. DC1 and 2 adore each other, although they bicker sometimes they are great pals really. It does scare me when I think about how dark my thoughts were for a prolonged period of time. Looking back I think there was a very real risk that I could have seriously harmed myself, and having a tight support network locally was probably what kept me from doing so. If you don't have family support locally then that needs to be a serious consideration.

On balance, I'm glad we had DC2 but if I'd known I was going to be so very ill then I'm not sure I would have made the same choice. I also know that DC1 would have been perfectly fine as an only child.

Well it isn’t a given that you will get PND again. Some of the issues around PND are to do with the shock of the change, the responsibility, and sometimes the isolation. You have made that adjustment now so you are not the same person you were, you have been a mother for four years.
The reaction to hormonal shifts though , in my experience of friends that seems more likely to recur. I had a friend who was so worried about PND again that she talked with her GP while pregnant and had all the support possible lined up just in case, including antidepressants . She did have some level of PND again but not for the same length of time, and she knew how to deal with it in a way that worked for her.
Anxiety is part and parcel of having a tiny baby. I personally feel that it is biologically driven but can vary in intensity. Again, you may not be as anxious with another baby, I found it easier to cope with the second time.
So I suppose in your place I would plan out how much support I could put into place were I to get PND again . From antidepressants as a last resort, to extra help at home if I had another terrible sleeper, to things like acupuncture to help my general balance, and fun things to do with my baby so I wasn’t alone too much. Then look at all that and see how I felt, thinking about the things I found most difficult and the things that were easier.
It is different having a second baby. You are juggling the needs of two, which can be hard, but that means that the baby doesn’t get quite the same intense focus. You are a more experienced and capable person because you have learned skills. I found two more fun really, they interact and have their own relationship and that is a lovely thing . Somehow it all seemed more relaxed.

@neverbeenskiing Thank you for sharing - I can relate to a lot of what you're describing.