To be tired of MIL “helping”

[EmeraldAquaWildlings]

MIL is hard work, DH has very loosely referenced this once (been together 12 years). I’ve never said anything, always sucked it up. We’ve always lived far away, so didn’t see her often, though when we did it was usually for 1 week + . Have recently moved much closer to her, and she comes often, probably once a week, and always insists on staying over so it takes up 2 days. DH encourages it and, though I’ve never complained, I’m fairly certain he knows I find it an endurance. He always dresses it up as her “helping” with kids etc.

What to do? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to suck it up, this was never an issue in the past due to the distance. DH is very precious about her, and I’m always conscious to never say anything that could be construed as being negative about her. But she is a total PITA. Not particularly relevant, but I don’t particularly like the way she treats him either… makes things all about her and makes him feel like he’s not good enough. Not that he realises what’s happening.

So, AIBU and just need to endure it?

How close to MIL do you live now OP? If within reasonable travelling distance, I'd tell her that staying over night isn't working for you, and be prepared for any excuses she might come up with. Or be blunt with her and just say that it was nice that she used to come and stay when you lived a long way away, but now that you're so much closer, staying over is unnecessary. Tell your DH that you're going to do this, or better still, tell him to do it. Don't keep pussyfooting around in fear of upsetting him, he's obviously a Mummy's boy and encouraging it, so tell him it's got to stop. Another idea would be that he goes to visit her each week, without you, if you find her such hard work.

Why does she need to stay over each week ? Is transport a problem to go home ? It sounds a big lifestyle change for you to now have her staying over most weeks. Was this mentioned before you moved or has it just evolved ? I think you will need to raise with DH - if you keep sucking it up you’ll get increasingly fed up and resentful of her being there. Could you suggest she visits less often or doesn’t stay over each time. Perhaps meet somewhere neutral sometimes instead of her always coming to you ?

Is dh home her entire visit? If not either he is or you end the arrangement..

a) how much closer ? As in, why is she staying over ?
b) Does she help with the dc ? We have no idea if she is doing childcare whilst you work, or if you have older dc who don't need looking after, or if you aren't out at work, or if dc are in childcare or whatever
c) how much space is there in the house ? Where does she sleep ?

Tell him you don’t want her staying. I wouldn’t want anyone staying in my home with that frequency even if it was someone I liked.
If he won’t then you’ll have to tell her she lives close enough to go home and her staying isn’t working for you. Or stop inviting her over. Be busy. Go out when she arrives. Stay out until she leaves. Or until bed time. Then leave the next morning until she goes home.
Stop hosting her. Make it uncomfortable so she stops coming

So you have a weekly house-guest?

Fuck that. I love my MIL but I think even the closest families would struggle with that amount of overnights!

Also- slightly odd that it’s verboten to speak ill of your MIL. Like I said, I dote on DH’s mum, but when her or FIL do or say something a bit annoying I’ll have a moan to DH about it, like he does with my family. It’s not healthy to revere people.

Its a bit ironic that you're criticising the guy for being a mummy's boy, yet seem to think it perfectly reasonable that he should do exactly as his wife orders him to.
He wants his mum to stay over in his home. The OP doesn't. This is a situation where a couple arrives at a compromise about their jointly owned home, not one where one lays down the law to the other.

What is she actually doing wrong?

Well if she’s helping with the kids it seems the ideal opportunity for you to go out with friends for the evening. Give MIL and DH some quality time together.

I wouldn’t be happy to have a weekly overnight guest, and it should be an arrangement you’re both happy with.

I’ve only voted YABU because I cannot believe that in a 12 year relationship, you haven’t once been honest with your husband about this. I see it so often on MN. Do some couples not speak to each other about what they actually think and how they feel?! Please just explain to him how you feel. It is your home and your life.

A bit hard to understand what she's doing wrong. How old are the children? Is she able to take one out and build a relationship with them while you get one on one time with the other in which case it's not so bad? can she take the oldest to a class? Or are they both at school most of the time?

If it's a real problem can she start to come Friday/weekend more often instead of midweek, to babysit and spend more time with DH?

How close does she live? Why is she staying over? I’d put an immediate stop to that, no matter how tricky it is to dump everything and get her home. Have you not spoken to your Dh about this properly?

Who does all the cleaning and work for getting her room ready etc? Who entertains her when she's there? Your DH should.

Does she actually do any help?

Why on earth haven’t you mentioned it all these years?? Stop sucking it up and pretending she’s ‘helping’. And why on Earth move closer to someone who secretly irritates you? Yikes.

I wouldn't want anyone staying over one night a week every week. And if DH wanted his mother to do this, I'd expect him to be there for all of her visit, plan the dinner, sort her bedroom and be the chief entertainer/chatter etc.

Say to him "now your mum lives so close I don't see the need for these overnight visits. Can we say to her we'd far prefer she came for Sunday lunch or movie and takeout once a week and we drop her home after.

So what if she insists on staying over. Say no. I know that is hard but why is she running your home for you? Say "sorry MIL but staying over doesn't suit us. lovely to see you but we'll drop you home after"

Go stay at hers next time she comes to stay - have some time to yourself.

What is she actually doingn to be a PITA?

Refuse to have her overnight any more. Nobody signed up to this.

I'd be taking the opportunity to book myself a little stay at the local spa Hotel on these days, DH can cater to her if he's happy for such frequent visits.

How old are the kids and how far away is MIL?
If she is that much hard work then I wouldn't be stuck entertaining her and I'd be telling DH she can ONLY come when he is around tondo the entertaining. If she shows upnat any other point I'd have 'places to go - people to see' with the kids in tow or not...

This.

As so often before in MN, it's ultimately a DH problem.

She's there to help, great, you can go out and do something fun then!
Do this a few times

Why are you scared to say anything to your husband? This isn't normal. No way would I continue an arrangement I wasn't happy with. Especially an overnight a week. Do you generally have no say on anything?

Reading between the lines it sounds like you are hoping you will get what you want while keeping as quiet as possible about it

Other people will not respect your feelings if you don't!