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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP drinking alcohol 2 weeks after liver embolism

10 replies

bookwormcrazy · 26/07/2023 19:55

Ok, my first main post but I'm feeling quite angry and upset. It's a long one!
DP was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 1/2 years ago. It's been a long and hard journey and primary cancer has been dealt with but it had already spread to his liver. He had his first liver op last year and they said he was cancer free but within 5 months it had come back on his liver and quite aggressively. All this year he has been having chemo to reduce and even then, there wasn't enough healthy liver to do a liver resection to remove the cancer. 2 weeks (and 2 days ago) he had a liver embolism to block 2 main arteries in his liver to effectively kill off 2/3rds and to encourage new liver to grow so that they can do the op to hopefully remove it all. He has a CT scan in 2 weeks to check the progress and confirm if he can finally be operated on again.

However - tonight after a bad day at work and a few bad days with his stoma bag, he's had 6 cans of lager. I know for him alcohol is a coping mechanism and he has mostly laid off of it for the last 2 weeks but I'm so angry that he couldn't keep it to 1 or 2. That he had to go hard and have 6! It's bad enough at the best of times while he has cancer but at the minute - his liver is only a fraction of the size it should be and trying to grow new healthy liver.

I have just let rip at him saying he's not taking it seriously. It's his health at stake and our future. He should be doing everything he can to keep his liver healthy while it's growing so he can have the op.

Now I feel guilty. The last few years have been hell for him - and me. I can't blame him for being down and wanting a drink but AIBU for being so harsh with him. I can't express how much hell he has been through and he has been close to giving up many times but I can't help but feel he's really not helping himself. It's like I'm fighting for his future and always end up nagging him.

OP posts:
FutureUncertain · 27/07/2023 17:39

I know how worrying it is for you but if it was happening to you, rather than to your loved one, maybe you’d have an evening of drinking to excess to help numb the pain. I, however, would be (am) exactly like you.
It’s so hard to see your DP possibly throwing away the chance of surviving a bit longer. It must be hell to actually be the one suffering though. Is there any chance he would take some time off work, a dr would have no qualms signing him off. Maybe without the bad days at work he would feel a bit less likely to need the stress relief. Has he contacted his cancer nurse or does he have a counsellor who can help him cope with all this?
Sorry you are dealing with this, it’s so hard Flowers

Original poster
bookwormcrazy · 27/07/2023 20:36

FutureUncertain · 27/07/2023 17:39

I know how worrying it is for you but if it was happening to you, rather than to your loved one, maybe you’d have an evening of drinking to excess to help numb the pain. I, however, would be (am) exactly like you.
It’s so hard to see your DP possibly throwing away the chance of surviving a bit longer. It must be hell to actually be the one suffering though. Is there any chance he would take some time off work, a dr would have no qualms signing him off. Maybe without the bad days at work he would feel a bit less likely to need the stress relief. Has he contacted his cancer nurse or does he have a counsellor who can help him cope with all this?
Sorry you are dealing with this, it’s so hard Flowers

I felt guilt this morning and thought about deleting my post. I do understand how he feels, it's just so hard to try and be on both sides. He's not a talker, he won't talk to anyone apart from me. I have even had to go to Macmillan behind his back before to say he needs help, he's really suffering g but when they have spoken to him he's acted like everything is ok. They were very good and left the fact I had contacted them out of it. But he won't ever open up to someone. He feels stuck on his job because no one is going to employ someone who had advanced cancer.
I feel terrible, I do get it! I've been getting it for nearly 4 years, it's just starting to take its toll on both of us and I don't want him to give up.

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 20:42

YANBU. He has to find new, different coping mechanisms. It's hard, but it's not an option.

Childhoodnostalgia · 27/07/2023 20:45

Sorry OP dont have much advice but just wanted to say that this is really heart breaking to read and I can see both sides here… he’s terrified, as are you…

I hope that you’re getting lots of support here too.

MillWood85 · 27/07/2023 21:18

My Dad died of liver cancer in January, and I'm sadly only too aware of the horror that it is.

As a one off though, I think I'd forgive but I'd make it very clear that he needs to find another coping mechanism. He could have done a lot of damage... has he contacted anyone to get this checked over?

Original poster
bookwormcrazy · 27/07/2023 22:15

GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 20:42

YANBU. He has to find new, different coping mechanisms. It's hard, but it's not an option.

Thank you. He does, and he agrees for now but not sure how long it is going to last.

OP posts:
Original poster
bookwormcrazy · 27/07/2023 22:18

Childhoodnostalgia · 27/07/2023 20:45

Sorry OP dont have much advice but just wanted to say that this is really heart breaking to read and I can see both sides here… he’s terrified, as are you…

I hope that you’re getting lots of support here too.

I think that's the hardest part, I can see his side and I'm not sure that I would honestly react too differently after this long, but I want him to fight, for the both of us and not put himself in jeopardy.

OP posts:
Original poster
bookwormcrazy · 27/07/2023 22:21

MillWood85 · 27/07/2023 21:18

My Dad died of liver cancer in January, and I'm sadly only too aware of the horror that it is.

As a one off though, I think I'd forgive but I'd make it very clear that he needs to find another coping mechanism. He could have done a lot of damage... has he contacted anyone to get this checked over?

No, his next scan to see how it's going and determine whether his liver has grown enough is in 10 days, I think that's why I am so scared. If he could have just waited until after that scan and we had confirmation that all was ok and he was ready for the op, I would probably heave been more understanding about it. Now I would wonder
If any delays or issues is because of his drinking, 😓

OP posts:
Original poster
bookwormcrazy · 27/07/2023 22:25

MillWood85 · 27/07/2023 21:18

My Dad died of liver cancer in January, and I'm sadly only too aware of the horror that it is.

As a one off though, I think I'd forgive but I'd make it very clear that he needs to find another coping mechanism. He could have done a lot of damage... has he contacted anyone to get this checked over?

Just to add, I am sorry about your dad. It's so hard watching people go through this process when you love them and want to be there for them. It's heartbreaking.
My Nan died of cancer about 5 years ago, it feel like it's just been my life for so long which is maybe I'm starting to lose a little bit of patience. I don't want to lose another person, least of all my partner in crime. X

OP posts:
ug66smn · 27/07/2023 22:40

Tsm

i think from everything you describe facing death and still drinking you should consider the Sinclair method. Expensive but worth considering.

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