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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son obsessed with his abusive dad

19 replies

MBailey99 · 26/07/2023 09:20

My ex was abusive. Hasn't seen his son in 4 years (he's 5). He's recently started seeing him in a contact centre. He also has a daughter who he brings with him, shes 9. Hes still telling people he wants to burn my house down and wishes I was dead but I'm not allowed to evidence this in court without them coming as a witness which they won't do. I've asked them to stop.

My son is obsessed with him. He's only seen him a handful of times but he now wants to live with him (he's 4 hours away). Tells me he doesn't love me anymore as he just wants his dad. He says he loves his dad because he brings him presents and sweeties whenever he sees him.

His dad doesn't have to do any actual parenting. They just play for an hour and a half.

I'm terrified by this change. My son doesn't know about any of the abuse. He was born from rape and I have to hide the trauma of that every time he mentions him.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

Is this going to all be OK? I feel like it's not.

OP posts:
OwlBabiesAreCute · 26/07/2023 09:23

No advice unfortunately but what a shit situation for you.

Original poster
MBailey99 · 26/07/2023 09:41

OwlBabiesAreCute · 26/07/2023 09:23

No advice unfortunately but what a shit situation for you.

It certainly is

OP posts:
JamSandle · 26/07/2023 09:46

He is what is called a Disney dad. Does none of the hard bits of parenting. Trust me your son will see through it eventually. An ex of mine went to live with his dad as a teen because it was more 'fun'. In the end said it was the worst thing he ever did and he wished he'd stayed with his mum. He and his mum had a good relationship until the end. Same can't be said for him and his dad.

Original poster
MBailey99 · 26/07/2023 09:49

JamSandle · 26/07/2023 09:46

He is what is called a Disney dad. Does none of the hard bits of parenting. Trust me your son will see through it eventually. An ex of mine went to live with his dad as a teen because it was more 'fun'. In the end said it was the worst thing he ever did and he wished he'd stayed with his mum. He and his mum had a good relationship until the end. Same can't be said for him and his dad.

This is what I worry about. The bit about him wanting to go and live there. Obviously the courts won't take it into account now and the contact centre have been amazing, but in future I worry if it carries on. He's incredibly confident and social, he'd go and live with a stranger if they gave him ice cream and sweets every day. I'm hoping the fact that he will be in school and there is such a distance between us will count for something. Or maybe I'm catastrophising.

OP posts:
Original poster
MBailey99 · 26/07/2023 09:59

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
helpmeexplain · 26/07/2023 10:02

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope it helps if I give you the view of the kid-now-adult of a properly shitty dad. I said that kind of stuff and I vividly remember saying it because I had such sad, complicated feelings and needs that were overwhelming. You don't have many words when you're a kid - especially when you're little - so sometimes you say stuff that doesn't represent what you think and feel. You just repeat something that is dramatic because you have dramatic feelings.

I imagine he feels like I did - you are his world and his safe space. But he wants a daddy - as is natural and because he sees others with ones and is jealous or just because he's trying to process why his life is different from his friends. And he feels rejected by his dad because he's not there. So it's a logical thing - I want a dad but I have you. Maybe if I say this, I could have a dad. But I assure you, the thought of losing you would be incomprehensible. As in he wouldn't be able to get his little head around that thought because it's so unthinkable.

As he gets older, he'll be able to notice that his dad isn't a superhero or even a nice person. At the minute, his ideas of his dad will be built from storybooks of lovely dads or seeing his friends dad. He'll assume that that is who that man is. He isn't and learning that will be really difficult for the poor little thing. It'll be really difficult and traumatic for him to learn. He'll grieve for the dad he should have had and probably get really really angry about it.

My advice to you is just to be his rock - stable, loving, always there. If he says hurtful things, think how to answer them. Like if he says he doesn't love you, say that you have enough love for both of you and you'll double it until he can come back to you. Make it playful like spraying him with love. It's a tough gig, but he's lucky to have a mummy who is thinking about how to manage it.

Pottyberry · 26/07/2023 10:06

OP I haven't experienced this, it sounds incredibly hard.
Firstly would you think about contacting rape crisis to get support for the trauma you live with? Or a counsellor?
Also what you said about your son being social and likings gifts and sweets makes me think his 'dad' is in no way special to him, just a novelty who brings him things. You are his constant, his lovely mum, and can't be replaced.
I wish you the best OP X

helpmeexplain · 26/07/2023 10:12

Oh and try to give him a replacement narrative if you can. Instead of "woah is me, I don't have a dad", something like "we're the dream team, you and me". I have a friend whose kid gets sad about being an only for example, but you see her being able to self comfort because she reminds herself that she was a miracle baby and has all the toys and attention and inheritance to herself!

Weddingpuzzle · 26/07/2023 10:17

Yes, I have experience of this. Your DS is very little and as a pp has said in a very lovely way - he is having big feelings and is only saying this to you because you are safe, you love him unconditionally and he is trying to process these massive changes and situations and unfortunately you are his emotional punchbag. You have to continue being that as he has had a rough start.

Mine are 20, 15 and 12 now. Two different fathers - one who abandoned me when I was pregnant the other hurt me physically. The 12 year old worships her father (he was physically and sexually abusive to the point of police, social care, MARAC and rape crisis involvement) and my 20 year old is very forgiving of his DF even though he has in his words 'never been a father'. All you can do, and I tell you as someone who has had decades of dealing with this situation, is play the long game. Say nothing about your DS's Dad. Positive or negative. Reassure and repeatedly show your son that you and your home are going nowhere. Tell him you are his Mum not his friend and that because you are an adult you know what is best for him. It won't make you popular but it will make you safe. I say this with the greatest kindness, try to put yourself aside. All your anxiety, anger and upset at what has happened is a separate entity to your role as a mother. Don't let the past submerge this. The best peace and contentment comes from looking at your DC as they enter adulthood and they are okay. Not a product of the awful circumstance they were born into. You create that. It's the greatest reward. Hold on and be strong.

JanglyBeads · 26/07/2023 10:18

Read "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Lundy Bancroft, or listen to it on audible. OK he's never experienced living with this man but a lot will still apply.

Get help and advice from the National Association of Therapeutic Parenting.

Also Rights of Women might be able to help - free legal advice.

Is this supervised contact likely to turn into unsupervised contact, as most cases do?

BigGreen · 26/07/2023 10:21

What a thoughtful post @helpmeexplain Flowers

Annaishere · 26/07/2023 10:22

My son’s 16 and he still threatens to leave and live with his dad. But he doesn’t mean it.

HiHoHiHoltsOffToWorkWeGo · 26/07/2023 10:22

From your five year old's point of view all he can see is that
A) my daddy is nice, he comes to see me, plays with me and brings me sweets
B) my friend's daddies are nice to them, and play with us both if we have a playdate

He has absolutely no concept that daddies can be anything other than fun and safe people.

Lwrenagain · 26/07/2023 10:33

Well, your ex is a monumental cunt and I personally hope he dies horribly and soon.

That now said, no I haven't experienced this so I've no advice, I do however think whoever is telling you about the vile things ex is saying need to shut up, either they can help you by standing up to this massive bully or they can fuck off enjoying the drama.

I have really nothing to offer but a hand hold and my inbox is open should you need a pal x

Emerald95 · 26/07/2023 10:54

I had a disney dad. My parents broke up in my toddlerhood and time with my dad was full of day trips and late nights. No homework or chores. I left home at 16 to live with him but cut contact with him all together in my mid 20's when I realised the truth.
My mum would constantly tell me what a terrible abusive man he was (and she was right) but as a child this only made me bond with him stronger! He was half of me, and when she spoke badly of him it was like she was saying those things about me. The more she hated him the more I loved him.
My advice would be to accept that you son is building a bond with this man and that he will be in your life for the foreseeable future so get any help from DV therapist ect to deal with that privately away from your son.
When your son gushs what an amazing man your ex is, acknowledge it. Something like "I'm glad you've had a good visit with your dad!" Or "It must be hard to miss you dad, I'm sure he misses you too buddy". Let him feel his feelings and acknowledge that he is going to love his dad. Time will show him who really loves him and he'll grow up thankful you gave him the chance to work it out for himself without you influencing him

Maray1967 · 26/07/2023 11:03

helpmeexplain · 26/07/2023 10:02

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope it helps if I give you the view of the kid-now-adult of a properly shitty dad. I said that kind of stuff and I vividly remember saying it because I had such sad, complicated feelings and needs that were overwhelming. You don't have many words when you're a kid - especially when you're little - so sometimes you say stuff that doesn't represent what you think and feel. You just repeat something that is dramatic because you have dramatic feelings.

I imagine he feels like I did - you are his world and his safe space. But he wants a daddy - as is natural and because he sees others with ones and is jealous or just because he's trying to process why his life is different from his friends. And he feels rejected by his dad because he's not there. So it's a logical thing - I want a dad but I have you. Maybe if I say this, I could have a dad. But I assure you, the thought of losing you would be incomprehensible. As in he wouldn't be able to get his little head around that thought because it's so unthinkable.

As he gets older, he'll be able to notice that his dad isn't a superhero or even a nice person. At the minute, his ideas of his dad will be built from storybooks of lovely dads or seeing his friends dad. He'll assume that that is who that man is. He isn't and learning that will be really difficult for the poor little thing. It'll be really difficult and traumatic for him to learn. He'll grieve for the dad he should have had and probably get really really angry about it.

My advice to you is just to be his rock - stable, loving, always there. If he says hurtful things, think how to answer them. Like if he says he doesn't love you, say that you have enough love for both of you and you'll double it until he can come back to you. Make it playful like spraying him with love. It's a tough gig, but he's lucky to have a mummy who is thinking about how to manage it.

I’m no expert but this sounds like excellent advice. Try to focus on the fact that he wants what seems out of reach. Most kids say hurtful things at times to the parent who loves and cares for them even when they have both parents at home. Both of mine told me they wanted to live at their friend’s house. Apparently a couple of their friends said they wanted to live at ours …

Original poster
MBailey99 · 26/07/2023 15:38

JanglyBeads · 26/07/2023 10:18

Read "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Lundy Bancroft, or listen to it on audible. OK he's never experienced living with this man but a lot will still apply.

Get help and advice from the National Association of Therapeutic Parenting.

Also Rights of Women might be able to help - free legal advice.

Is this supervised contact likely to turn into unsupervised contact, as most cases do?

Sadly yes. Are NATP any good?

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 26/07/2023 15:55

Definitely - I found them so helpful and although some of their support is ££(£) much is free to members. And they sometimes have offers on membership.

You can learn a lot just from their books and Facebook groups, but there's also 1:1 advice over the phone and local support groups.

nalabae · 26/07/2023 15:57

This is so sad, sorry you're going through this. Your child is to young to understand the issues

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