If a man does something deliberately nasty once a year to a child

[Oversensitiv]

Is that low level emotional abuse? If the rest of the time they mostly just ignore them or are a little snappy?

My mum left my dad over his treatment of me in the 80s and as an adult I can see my lifelong distrust of men as a direct consequence of his abuse, even if it ended when she left him.

What you underwent wasn’t right, but my view is that we’re sadly not entitled to perfect lives, we can only deal with the hand we’re given.

Yes common. certainly in the 70s and 80s. And those of us who were hit both at home and at school (i.e. by teachers, and yes it did still happen in some schools in the 80s) got it from both sides. And you would be scared to tell your parents you got hit at school in case they hit you again at home for being hit at school.

I'm so sorry, OP. This sounds so difficult, and a lot to work through. I want to hug the child that was you. No child should be afraid of their parent, they are supposed to be the person protecting and caring for you.

Yeah, I hear the 70s were even worse.

We are always told that that's just how it was and people were too stupid to know better, but there were parents who rejected it and they must have been significant because they were the butt of many jokes and criticism (I remember a stand up comic routine about how funny it was to hit your kids). The better way was out there, but lazy, violent, parent-centred parenting was easier and so many people took it.

The fact that it was common for kids to be terrified of their shit parents does not mean it was OK.

It is interesting people bringing up behaviour of teachers. I seem to remember adult tantrums at children were pretty well tolerated in the 90s both inside and outside of schools.

Yes. Kids were expected to have more maturity, self discipline and self control than the adults.

I feel slightly silly now as though I'm making out that it was worse than it was. I always get this way if I try to deal with it in my head.

What I've written is all true but at the same time it can't be that bad really because I wasn't always miserable or frightened I was able to separate the bad stuff in my head and still enjoy other parts of childhood.

I don't know why it's still something I think about because it wasn't like being terrified every day. It was just normal to have him like that but it did chip away at something. I feel like I shouldn't have let his opinion matter at all and then it would not have affected me.

I feel slightly silly now as though I'm making out that it was worse than it was.

You're not.

I have a strong feeling I need to take this to a counseller but the idea of talking about it makes me well up with absolute panic. Wtf. I sound crazy.

No. Look, my ND child is completely the opposite to me and sometimes I just run out of patience, and I really scream. I know it’s not ok, I try so hard not to, and I do put things right afterwards. But I would never, in cold blood, hurt them emotionally on purpose.

You don’t sound crazy. There’s a child in there who doesn’t know how to cope with this. Reach out a hand to them, take yourself to a counsellor x

Mumsnet hug to you and that little girl wjo was you. You did not have the care and love that you deserved. That behaviour is and was unacceptable. Children in the 1990's or the 1950's or the Victorian times were loved and cared for, those that were not, felt the wrongness of their treatment and brought those scars into adulthood and most learned how to be much much better parents than the examples they were shown, most also bore the sadness and the feelings of never being enough throughout their lives.

I would take it to a counsellor. You don't have to talk about it on the first session. The counsellor will normalise your feelings of fear and shame around your father's treatment of you.

Obviously it's not right for the people who are supposed to love and protect you the most to be the ones who abuse, mock and terrify you. Whether this is once a day or once a year it is not acceptable and erodes your self esteem. It also erodes your boundaries with others. If your loved ones treat you like that, how are you supposed to stand up to others and expect people to treat you with respect.

You sound traumatised.

It doesn't have to be beatings and starvation to be abuse, nor does it have to be intentional.

You suffered abuse, this is not your fault. I think you need therapy to help you come to terms with it. Have you read “The book you wish your parents read” - highly recommend. 🤗

I admit I have shouted and lost it with my children. Twice I have hit them. All of that is abusive and things they can quite rightly hold against me as bad things I have done. I have talked about it with them as teens and they say they don't remember. Tbh I think they do.
However, those times I have lost my temper stand out because the rest of the time I am loving, kind, thoughtful. I spend hours cooking food they like, driving them to things, playing games, reading to them etc etc.

My point is parents make mistakes. Sometimes they are awful (like losing it and smacking a child as a one off) or bad (shouting). But if the 99.9% of the time is spent loving them through play, cooking, spending time with them, encouraging them and taking them to sport, supporting them and looking after them etc then that means generally they are doing their best. If they are rubbish all the time either by not doing positive things it by being nasty then they are shit and don't deserve to be parents.
That is very hard to accept. But what is possibly harder is by hoping they will change. They almost certainly won't.
You are worth so much more than neglect and abuse. You deserve to be treated as the star you are.

I think if you’re still effected by this as an adult & if he apologised before he died, then you both know/knew this wasn’t right OP. Please don’t beat yourself up, we don’t choose to be traumatised by things we just are. You’re not over sensitive, or dramatic, or weak. You were a kid.

We had a teacher at our secondary (early 80s) who used to go into regular rants at us. We were 13 and thought she was hilarious, especially when she lost control enough to slip into her native Derbyshire dialect. I look back now and see an unhappy woman.

More sinister was the PE teacher at primary who used any excuse to verbally abuse us, who used to make us do jumps and squats till our heels ached and who used to stand in the middle of the field shouting at us while we did several laps. She left under a cloud and there were some extremely dark mutterings as to why (swimming lessons and changing rooms were allegedly involved). I also had (luckily very few) dealings with a (female) teacher at sixth form whose treatment of pupils (involving snide comments and personal remarks) was truly toxic. This one apparently used to bring up intimate subjects of conversation like periods etc. at quite inappropriate times. At no time were concerns ever raised, although it was interesting that when I said I couldn’t work with her, nobody seemed to object.

I read this in absolute bewilderment, talking about the late 80s and early 90s like it was the dark ages, while for some of us this was our young adulthood and when we became parents.

My DD was born in the mid 90s and many of my friends and family became parents in the late 80s to early 90s. I can't think of anyone I know whose parenting standards could he compared unfavourably with present day.

I struggle to understand these threads because it just sounds like everyone's standard slightly shit at times childhood. Our parents made mistakes and we make mistakes too? Guess it depends.

I think whether or not it 'counts' as abuse it will have impacted you- children should be nurtured by their parents and feel safe with them. However children are also very resilient and these factors point to better outcomes for the child - at least one safe and nurturing parent, understanding one's own story (eg through therapy) to come to terms with it and break any unhelpful patterns, good relationships with school staff

But those annual outbursts probably meant you were living in fear or on egg shells all year round?

OP, have I list it with my kids at times? Yes I gave, BUT I have apologised and explained why I was wrong, without putting it on them.
Have I regularly/mainly ignored them or been pretty much snappy? NO. THAT is abusive behaviour.
If a friend told you their DP was ignoring or snapping at them and on occasions being abusive youd tell them they don't have to live/put up with that. Unfortunately children don't get that option unless someone.steps up for them. It sounds like uou are gaslightibg yourself because that's what youve been taught happens .
I hope you manage to get some closure x x

Yeah I know and this is why it is so shameful because what makes me feel like I've been damaged by it and somebody like you who experienced similar turn out just fine?

Obviously I'm weak and you're not weak you were able to prevent it sinking into you.

@Oversensitiv No. you are not weak. Weakness is failing to recognise what happened to you, and take it out on other people. You're not doing that.

FWIW traditional counselling - talking therapy - is not very helpful for this.. Can make it worse. Trauma symptoms (which it sounds like you might be having) respond better to bodywork like e.g. craniosacral therapy. Read 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk (sp?). Also you don't need to have been physically attacked for it to be traumatic. Also the Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube has some practical, helpful material. Hugs to you.