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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were visitors rude?

25 replies

MarshmallowValentine · 25/07/2023 19:06

My sibling and family came to visit last weekend. They live in Scotland and we live in the Midlands.

We almost always host as our elderly Dad lives close to us and doesn't like to travel to Scotland as it's too far for him. We also have a larger house and entertain regularly.

This visit, they decided to stay at my Dad's house as he was due to be away and they would have two bedrooms to use so they didn't have to have their 13yo sleep in the same rooms as them.

Plans changed and he didn't go away. Instead he came to stay in our spare room to allow them more space.

Apart from breakfast, all meals are generally taken together at our house. Even when they are staying at Dad's, which has been the case occasionally in the past. I always cook.

They arrived quite late on Friday - having eaten, this was planned - and had a cuppa, some cake and went off to Dad's house.

Usually they come down around 12/12:30pm (it's a mile away) for lunch as they are not early risers. By 1:45pm we had not heard from them and I messaged to check if they wanted lunch. They said they had had a late breakfast and would be down shortly. I said 'no hurry'. Everything was normal/amicable.

They arrived at 5:45pm.

I was a tad put out and said so. We had been hanging around waiting for them. They were taken aback and could not understand my pov and were quite shirty.

They do have form for last minute cancellations so maybe this has coloured my judgement.

YABU - they were not rude / inconsiderate.

YANBU - it was rude, especially after they had said they were coming shortly.

OP posts:
noglow · 25/07/2023 19:09

Next time don't wait for them. They were incredibly rude. Was their any explanation? Perhaps they'd had a massive argument?

phoenixrosehere · 25/07/2023 19:09

YANBU

They said they were coming shortly, however I’m not a fan of such vagueness because I’ve learned some people’s idea/view of “shortly” varies so I ask “how long are you going to be and would you like us to wait around?”

JadeClade · 25/07/2023 19:11

sounds like a miscommunication

Drews · 25/07/2023 19:13

From what you've said here it doesn't seem like actual plans were made. You thought because lunch at your house is what usually happens would be happening again but then you also said no hurry after they said they would be round soon. I'd take you at your word and not hurry round either.

Sewingdufus · 25/07/2023 19:15

Definitely rude, don’t change your plans to accommodate their plans in future.

Hufflepods · 25/07/2023 19:20

No plan was made, you didn’t agree they would come to lunch by X time so you shouldn’t have assumed.
When they said they would come “shortly” you said “no hurry” but then seemed to be annoyed that they took you at your word so YABU.

WeightInLine · 25/07/2023 19:22

YABU - you seem very passive in these arrangements . They were take. Aback because there were no plans.

Talipesmum · 25/07/2023 19:22

Rude

Muckysmucky · 25/07/2023 19:25

You said no hurry. So they didn’t.

I suppose if it was very clear they were due over for lunch as a meal at lunchtime then they were rude.

If they were just heading over ‘around lunchtime’ and you, knowing they had had a late breakfast, said at 1.45 ‘don’t hurry’ then I don’t think they were rude.

FinallyHere · 25/07/2023 19:26

We had been hanging around waiting for them.

Lesson learned. Don't do that.

In future, be absolutely clear what meals are on offer and at what time. If they are not there in time, they won't have any food

Make sure any leftovers go straight in the freezer ( once cool, natch) so they can't just pick.

I know it's a bit of a pain but it is the easiest way to accommodate different approaches to life. I promise you they didn't expect you to feed them whatever time they turned up. They just probably prefer a more relaxed approach to life.

As long as you are both clear in communicating up front, no suggestion of whose way is better or even correct it will all work perfectly in future.

Jongleterre · 25/07/2023 19:29

Rude.

It's fine for them to turn up later if they had called or texted and said they weren't coming for lunch and would see you at tea time, but they didn't.

HateLongCovid · 25/07/2023 19:31

JadeClade · 25/07/2023 19:11

sounds like a miscommunication

This . Life's too short to fall out over things like this. Just say what you mean another time and don't be so vague with what you mean and expect them to second guess?

Original poster
MarshmallowValentine · 25/07/2023 19:32

WeightInLine · 25/07/2023 19:22

YABU - you seem very passive in these arrangements . They were take. Aback because there were no plans.

Interesting. Perhaps I was too laid back in this case. I am often accused of being the 'bossy' one, the one who plans, who wants their own way. I made sure I wasn't overly directive, in this case, and hoped they would arrive early enough to not just get there for me to provide them with dinner. I think I'm a bit hurt that they didn't appear to prioritise seeing us when they were only here for a couple of days.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 25/07/2023 19:35

I am surprised so many people think this wasn't rude. I think it's really rude - your poor elderly dad had moved out of his home to give theme extra space FFS! Clearly you were all planning an actual visit, not for them to spend most of the day in your dad's house while you and your dad sat around waiting for them. What on earth were they doing there all day? Surely it is extremely rude - I can't imagine, if a family member had moved out of their home to accommodate me coming to visit the rest of the family, that I'd spend most of the day there chilling out.

Original poster
MarshmallowValentine · 25/07/2023 19:36

Drews · 25/07/2023 19:13

From what you've said here it doesn't seem like actual plans were made. You thought because lunch at your house is what usually happens would be happening again but then you also said no hurry after they said they would be round soon. I'd take you at your word and not hurry round either.

Might just be me, but I wouldn't have said I'd be there 'shortly' if I meant 4 hours later. Even if I'd been told 'no hurry'. It is interesting to get others' perspectives, though, so thanks for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarshmallowValentine · 25/07/2023 19:37

SarahAndQuack · 25/07/2023 19:35

I am surprised so many people think this wasn't rude. I think it's really rude - your poor elderly dad had moved out of his home to give theme extra space FFS! Clearly you were all planning an actual visit, not for them to spend most of the day in your dad's house while you and your dad sat around waiting for them. What on earth were they doing there all day? Surely it is extremely rude - I can't imagine, if a family member had moved out of their home to accommodate me coming to visit the rest of the family, that I'd spend most of the day there chilling out.

This is exactly how I felt.

OP posts:
HateLongCovid · 25/07/2023 19:44

Actually having re read your OP, I see what you mean. They'd only come for a couple of days and spent all day at your dads. I think something happened. Did they damage something and spent the day trying to repair it, or like someone else said have a big argument? Very odd.

Quoria · 25/07/2023 19:47

Clearly they were rude but from the tone of your post you seem to resent that you're always hosting. If I were them, I'd be reseting always having to travel down from Scotland. That's a long and tedious journey. I think you have the better end of the deal!

Original poster
MarshmallowValentine · 25/07/2023 19:54

Quoria · 25/07/2023 19:47

Clearly they were rude but from the tone of your post you seem to resent that you're always hosting. If I were them, I'd be reseting always having to travel down from Scotland. That's a long and tedious journey. I think you have the better end of the deal!

Perhaps my annoyance at this issue has affected how I wrote the post or maybe you're reading too much into it; either way, I don't resent hosting. I like it. I merely said 'I always cook' for context.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 25/07/2023 19:59

HateLongCovid · 25/07/2023 19:44

Actually having re read your OP, I see what you mean. They'd only come for a couple of days and spent all day at your dads. I think something happened. Did they damage something and spent the day trying to repair it, or like someone else said have a big argument? Very odd.

I would wonder that too!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 25/07/2023 20:47

JadeClade · 25/07/2023 19:11

sounds like a miscommunication

I think it’s more than just miscommunication. OP thinking “shortly” meant in 15 minutes or so and her sister thinking it meant about an hour - THAT would be a miscommunication. “Shortly” being four hours later is just nuts.

BattleofBeamfleot · 26/07/2023 09:06

To be honest, if I saw "no hurry", I'd think "ok, they're not expecting us any time soon/there are no plans. I can relax, watch something on tv and pootle over at leisure."

It might just be a miscommunication, especially if they are used to OP having plans and saying so!

LaMaG · 26/07/2023 09:13

Incredibly rude but i suspect as someone suggested earlier, something happened possibly a big argument and they didn't think to update you. I'd be annoyed and wary in future but wouldn't make a huge issue of it. I'm in a similar position, always have to host due to elderly Dad nearby (but I do resent it!!) but I don't have the inconvenience of the travel so just put up with it. It's a tricky situation for everyone. Just next time push for specific arrangements and if they don't confirm just go about your business and you can get a takeaway if they decide to show.

10HailMarys · 26/07/2023 09:24

All of this could have been solved by you simply saying “Are you coming for lunch tomorrow?”

Chlora · 26/07/2023 09:33

I would put it down to miscommunication and just make sure next time you discuss timings a bit more.

Maybe it was rude of them but you did say "no hurry", so now is not the time to overanalyze. It's so British to do this "well I said X but obviously they should have known I meant y and aren't they rude for taking what I said at face value "

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