to think DP may be ND

[rougechaotic]

I've just been reading another MN post about masking that is trending and didn't want to hijack the OP's post so have started my own. The posts in response to her question really resonated with me and I think my DP may be 'masking'. (apologies if I'm not using the right terminology here or below)

In public situations / at work DP (most of the time) seems to fit in and is almost like a different person, and then it's like it all gets too much for him and as soon as he comes home he has a bit of a meltdown. It's like he finds it exhausting just existing day to day. I'm finding it really difficult to deal with. A few people have mentioned to him/me in the past that they think he might be on the spectrum and I've also thought it myself. (e.g. when we watch a film or tv, I often have to explain things that I think are really obvious - especially if there is no verbal communication / conversation between characters to explain the situation and it's based on more nuanced body language or facial expressions). He is also very strict when it comes to routine (has to go to the gym on the same days every week, even if it massively interferes with something else, has to wear the same things to the gym, has the exact same thing for breakfast every morning); is very sensitive to sounds like chewing, coughing, a small sniff, and even barely audible music from neighbours (I have to concentrate to even hear it) to the point where it makes him really angry and he will just go to bed and put earplugs in or I will eat upstairs to avoid upsetting him; and is really disturbed by certain textures when eating (e.g. hates anything mashed or any kind of soup / sauce). He has a lot of difficulty regulating his emotions - particularly when he is at home with me or in situations he finds stressful (airports, for example) and he will be set off by the smallest thing – like a check in desk opening 5 minutes late. As he has gotten older he has got increasingly anxious about social situations and he has a small group of friends that he doesn't see regularly. He also doesn't enjoy spontaneous plans and will get quite upset if things change last minute. It sometimes feels like he uses up all his 'social energy' on everything else (maybe 'masking') and I just get the meltdowns and all his frustrations. It's exhausting and I feel like it's also exhausting for him. Does this sound like he might be ND? I don't really know how to talk to him about this or if I even should. He has not reacted well when people have mentioned it in the past (although he has once said he thinks he might be too – but he didn't want to talk about it then and never brought it up again).

Genuinely hope my ramblings have helped! What I would suggest is that you work towards "gentle" rather than "subtle". Subtlety is our kryptonite ;)

Regarding the "head in the sand" thing...it's likely that he doesn't feel that's what he's doing. In his mind, he'll be searching for the most logical explanation that isn't autism. Remember, us 40-ish folk came up in the late 70s/early 80s, when "autism" was synonymous with "special school" and institutionalisation; when he hears "autism", the first thing that's going to pop into his head is a picture of Rain Man. Those may be relatively minor things in your head - as is quite correct - but for him, they'll represent a nightmare scenario that's been looming over him since he was a small child.

As a result, everything you've mentioned will likely have an explanation for him - same as they did for me. Light-sensitivity? I spent too much time on the computer in front of a CRT screen as a kid. Difficulty distinguishing conversations in busy environments? Because I've got tinnitus from playing in bands. Executive dysfunction issues? I've got a messy mind, so I'm forgetful. Spend hours disappearing down a Wikipedia rabbit-hole? But I'm really interested in this stuff! Rehearsing conversations? Doesn't everybody do that? etc etc.

One approach - and I'm completely pulling this out of the air - is to tell him you had a really interesting conversation with a few autistic people today, and you were surprised by <insert list of things you've read on here that are things you think might resonate with him, but you haven't talked about as being niggles/difficulties before>, ie starting a conversation about autism, but not specifically relating to him.

Sure, it's sneaky, but it might provide an opening that wouldn't ordinarily pop up.

Oh, is it possible that his difficulties aren't just age, but have also been exacerbated by lockdown? Having all that social pressure being taken away and then suddenly dropped back on him could well have triggered it. That's what happened to me, and I had serious anxiety about the world returning to some semblance of "normal". Autistic masks are kind of like a muscle; if you don't use them regularly, they atrophy and your ability to mask drops off a cliff.

Unfortunately, lockdown is a totally unprecedented event likely to never be repeated (we can hope) - so the only information out there about how the sudden changes affect us is anecdotal (like mine).

I’m an autistic mum of autistic kids and I’m sure my husband is autistic too. He has absolutely no interest in acknowledging the possibility. I think men are much more reluctant to accept their own possible neurodivergence and don’t particularly analyse their personalities and inner workings - certainly not in the same way that women do.

@Jellycats4life perhaps the next thing you need to do is analyse your deep-seated misogyny that you've been conditioned to believe only women are capable of doing the "wifework" of keeping on top of everyone's mental health, wellbeing, and self-knowledge. Men are just as capable of introspection as women and this "man brain" "woman brain" nonsense perpetuates all sorts of toxic stereotypes.

@ntmdino oh wow, I didn't even realise that light sensitivity and difficulty distinguishing conversations in busy environments were also possible symptoms... he is super sensitive to light (particularly at night – we've had to have brushes put on our doors to block out any light at all) and wears sunglasses all the time outside; and apparently he can't hear me when we're somewhere with any kind of noise because I have a soft voice and mumble (I definitely don't mumble!)

Your posts have been genuinely helpful - I can't thank you enough! And noted on the 'gentle' rather than 'subtle' approach!

@BiscuitsandPuffin I think it's far more likely that @Jellycats4life was referring to the way that men have generally been socialised (particularly men of a certain age) rather than any kind of biological / innate difference between men and women. There is no escaping that when I was growing up (and DP) boys were not encouraged to think in a certain introspective way – and the (rather tragic) effects are now very visible. I'm certain that the environment that my DP grew up in (and the associations he has with ND / autism as @ntmdino pointed out) are very much playing into his reluctance to explore this as a possibility.

@rougechaotic - LOL...yes, we've always had problems at night because DP likes the windows open, but I can't actually sleep unless my environment is basically a coffin. We tried blackout blinds, but they flapped against the window frame which made things worse. The solution was both simple and obvious - an eye mask (but it had to be a really soft one because touch-sensitivity...ended up buying 10 different ones from Amazon and trying them until I found the one set that worked...and buying 10 more of them to be safe!).

Since my diagnosis, I also felt empowered enough to properly deal with my light and sound sensitivity issues when we're out of the house - I wear wraparound sunglasses (with yellow-tinted lenses) and noise-cancelling earbuds with a transparent mode while we're at the supermarket, for example. I realised that if anybody makes fun of me for it, I don't need to feel bad - I just tell them (louder than is probably necessary) that it's because I'm autistic and I need it, and generally-speaking they're the ones who end up feeling worse as a result. Probably shouldn't be proud of it, but it kinda feels like taking the social power back.

The only downside is that I've learned I need to respond to them first, because DP will absolutely eviscerate them if I don't :D

The earbuds are an absolute game-changer - the problem isn't necessarily that there's lots of noise, but the sheer number of noise sources from all different directions. The earbuds take all of those sources and reduce them to two - left and right - which is much easier to deal with, and weirdly I can distinguish DP's voice much better even when it's mixed in with everything else.

@ntmdino DP also wears air pods with the noise cancelling on almost all the time! He says it's because he can still hear me but it's like turning down the volume on the world.. honestly I feel like so much is making sense after reading your posts!

Thank you - that is exactly what I meant.