Subtle work place bullying - what do I do? AIBU to go off sick?

[twitch34]

Sorry this is long but i've been in tears all morning and I need some guidance.

I've worked in my current job for 5 years.

It's very clicky and there's a group of very long term staff who either welcome people in to their group or exclude them and their behavior towards new staff results in people leaving (I'm the only staff member not part of the fold who's lasted this long). I've managed to largely stay out of their way and do my job but i'm aware of things they've said about me, some won't say hello unless management are present (I always say hello but have given up trying past this), one ridiculed my pretty normal (top 50) baby name choice and lots of stuff like this that on it's own sounds a bit petty and couldn't be proved. Management aware of the issues but useless and a big part of the problem.

I've been back at work for a few months after having my daughter. I stayed because this job fits with my family and I hope to ttc baby number 2 and then find another job but I'm just so miserable. I had a genuine none work related problem this morning but my managers not around so I had to ask another senior staff member and they we're just really underhand.

I've had what I thought was anxiety for the past 5 years... disappeared during maternity leave... back and worse than ever now and it's all work related.

My daughter has been so poorly since I returned to work - I've used some annual leave and had one days parental leave to manage this and worked in to my evenings wherever possible (it's not the type of job where other people have to pick up my caseload - I just have to deal with it). DH and GP have picked up a lot. I'm being made to feel awful about it (again in an underhand way) but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

I'm looking for other jobs and there's plenty of jobs but nothing in the specialty I currently work in. I've now decided to apply for anything.

I don't know whether to go off sick (it is making me sick) but I have a second ad hoc job that I love and I don't think I could do that if i'm off. This also doesn't solve the problem and would only give me a bad sick record that is likely to cause me more issues when looking for other jobs but any recruitment would likely take till Christmas and I don't have that in me either. I can't afford to just quit.

AIBU to go off sick? If so any suggestions on what to do are welcomed!

Hi OP. My sympathies as I have been in a very similar situation. Very subtle bullying from a horrible boss which is very hard to prove. Management didn’t support me (or the many others who have left as a result).

I stayed because like you I wanted to get my second maternity leave out of it but I’ve just got a new job and I’m going to take it. Life is just too short to put up with shit like this at work. I will never forget when pre kids I worked 60/70 hour weeks and I had been back a month post Mat leave and my poor baby was in hospital and they asked me if I was going to be taking unpaid or annual leave. They lost all goodwill after that.

its hard but find another job, the right one, don’t just take anything, and just try and ignore them. What’s your notice period?

I wouldnt go off sick if it means you can't do the other job that you love as well. I'd ignore these people, just stay head strong and know that you're counting your days until you're gone.

@Areyootakingthepish sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation and they way they treated you when your baby was in hospital is awful.

The lost my good will in how they treated me after a miscarriage when I was in hospital. I was mad to come back really but figured it'd hopefully not be for long. I just want to cry all the time and crying in front of other staff would be awful.

It's 8 weeks notice but HR tend to move slow (NHS) so I know it'll be months from getting offered another job! The one good thing if I take anything is my mat leave entitlement would go with me.

Keep a diary of every interaction. Then raise a grievance against all the bullying workers. You won’t be asked for more proof than this if you have a log of dates, times and interactions.

I wouldn't go off sick - but I would actively job hunt and take ANYTHING as a stepping stone out of there. The NHS culture is appalling for bullying - talk the talk about anti-bullying but it seems to be endemic and HR/senior management are generally worse than useless.

In the meantime - easier said than done - can you practise grey rock with them? Smile sweetly, say hello but don't expect a response, speak when spoken to, ignore absolutely every jibe and dig and do not let them see that they are getting to you.

@RatherBeRiding I do exactly this already - it's the only thing that's got me through! I say hello and only speak when spoken to. I have booked annual leave for the last few team meetings (just a few hours each time) as haven't felt able to go and keep a neutral face.

I have a Performance Development Review very soon and I'm not sure how to handle it. They want to move me to the place bullying is happening most (only heard through somebody else this is happening) and it's where I absolutely draw a line but do I say this or do I just accept it - I mean my manager knows I don't want to work there already so is there any point in fighting it further?

One member of staff had evidence of the bullying in writing but left and was too scared to share it although she did tell management it existed.

This service has lost amazing staff as the result of the bullying and now can't recruit - the service has a bad reputation and they're not quite sure why...

I would actively resist moving to Bullying Central - and be quite blunt about why but try to express it as you 'believe' there is a culture akin to bullying which you feel you would find most uncomfortable, and hard to cope with (your opinion) rather than 'they are all bullies' (which sounds as though you are presenting it as a fact). If pressed on this point, then resort to factually detailing instances where you have been rudely ignored, and have overheard insulting comments.

I would stay and not let them win. Tbh I wouldn't even say hello. In your review if they mention moving you say no and make mention of the bullying culture so it's noted in a meeting. If they deny it mention the turnover. I know it's tough but don't let them win

@RatherBeRiding I do think 'they are all bullies' but I wouldn't say it to my manager! I was thinking of saying nothing as don't want it to come across like that with no solid evidence but your advice is really helpful so think I will go with that angle.

@Gcsunnyside23 I've thought the same for the last 5 years and really have tried to make positive changes to how we work as a service (pathways, procedures etc.) rather than being personal about any staff but everything is met with resistance and i'm so done.