Annoyed with partner, not sure if I'm being unreasonable though

[AIBUorNOT1]

Got a night out with a few colleagues and ex colleagues this Friday, was chatting about it over WhatsApp with my partner (LDR currently), and he said "ah yes, Jemima, Rosie, Clementine* and the old bird". Yes she's older than us but I'm pretty annoyed that he referred to in this way, and I told him so, he's now gone quiet with me.

It's really grating on me the more I think about it, he's never said anything similar before and we do have a good relationship, but am I right to be annoyed? Would it annoy you?

This just reminded me of a time a colleague of mine told me her partner who works in a different department calls me Baba Yaga because apparently I'm the scary old lady in the office who might eat you and put your head on a spike if you cross me on the wrong day. I took it as a compliment.

Regardless of my enjoyment of being seen as an evil old troll, if you're not super comfortable with him calling women old or birds I don't think it's necessarily an overreaction to tell him you don't like that language - lots of people don't. It'd help if you could vocalise to him why it bothers you. He might be sitting there bemused thinking "but she IS an old bird?!" To him it might be no different than saying "the black fella" or "the ginger one" if he can't remember a person's name.

I wouldn't like it if my DP referred to a friend as the old bird. The older lady would be a much better turn of phrase. Bird is a horrible expression for women of any age. You were right to call him out.

I think your partner was rude, he referred to everyone by name except for "the old bird" - I would not have been impressed.

I hate women being referred to as birds (or any other animal for that matter - chick, cow, bitch etc, we don’t refer to men as livestock).

I think he probably just forgot her name but your response was perfectly fine. I don’t think there’s any need to dwell on it unless he is often disrespectful towards women.

Could it be because he remembered the others women's names, but didn't consider it worth his time to learn an older woman's name because he has no potential attraction to her?

I'm saying this on the assumption it's a subconscious thing of his.

Becuase that's what would be causing the annoyance to me. He could the bothered to remember the younger and therefore more biologically attractive women's names, but not the older one. She's become invisible to him.

It's casual contempt for a woman and would make me think less of him.

I don't like men calling women birds, old or not but I think it's ok if he said the older woman or whatever.
I think your reply to him was absolutely fine.

Calling a woman a bird is insulting to women. I wouldn't have stayed quiet either.

No, I don't think it's that, he just couldn't remember her name as she's an ex colleague that I don't talk about very much, but he did remember me saying she's quite a bit older than us. Hence his comment

@FlowersInTheSky "Yes, but why are you looking to be offended in the first place?"
Because calling a woman "an old
bird" is offensive. HTH.

I'd pull my DP up if he referred a friend or ex work colleague as an "old bird". I don't think I've ever heard it used in the context of flattering a woman so it's not a compliment and there are much more pleasant ways to refer to someone if you can't remember their name.

Yeah, that's a YANBU from me @AIBUorNOT1

From what you've described it does not sound like he meant it to be offensive. He made a stupid comment, which was offensive and you've pulled him up on it.
Lets hope he realises he fucked up and his comment was tasteless and doesn't do it again. Hopefully he'll even apologise.

Men say stupid things all the bloody time. We pull them up on it and slowly it will hopefully go in that they can't go around saying shite like that.

Good for you for calling it out. Now lets hope hes taken it on board and there is now one less bloke walking around spouting crap like this.

I agree with this OP.

The fact that he didn't apologise and is now ignoring you is not a good sign.

In my experience, men who do that are trying to train you into not 'making a fuss'.

You should be able to tell a partner that you didn't like something they said without them ignoring you.

This wouldn’t bother me in this context as you yourself said he can’t recall her name and you yourself felt the need to point out to him her age range in comparison to you. Unsure why you felt it was so relevant you had to tell him. And then object when he calls her the old bird.

personally I don’t sit and point out my colleagues ages in comparison to mine to my partner. But if I did I’d expect I was with someone like me who would react in kind.

I know the rough ages of my DH's colleagues. Not because he sits and points them out, but because it comes up naturally in conversation.

"We're doing a whip round for Jill's 40th"
"Bob can't wait until he retires next year"
"Jenny's hoping she can get on the housing ladder soon, it's so hard for their generation"
etc etc

We had a conversation, as couples do, about who I was going out with as he hasn't met any of my colleagues, my ex colleague is now retired which is how he knew she was older. So no, I didn't feel the need to point out anything, it just came up in conversation, but even if I did just bring it up out of the blue, I don't think that makes it alright that he referred to her as the old bird.

What I find interesting is that he can remember the names of younger women, but not the older one, as if once you're past a certain point, you just don't fully register.

Depending on what he's otherwise like, it might well rankle with me. It is easy to pick up and absorb some ageism and misogyny. So it's then a question of whether you try to combat it, or normalise it and just say it's no big deal really. I'd rather do the former.

As I said upthread, I talk about my other colleagues here and there, my ex colleague who happens to be older isn't brought up in conversation as I don't see her/interact with her on a daily basis

There's nothing more to it than that