8 year old anger tantrums

[Noideawhatnext]

Sorry, I know it's not really aibu, but posting here for traffic.

We have 8 year old DS and are really at the end of our tether. He cannot control his anger. For example, tonight he was playing a game on the phone whilst dinner was getting prepared. We told him in advance that the phone will go off when dinner is ready. Dinner is ready he doesn't stop playing. We explained to him that the phone has to go off, he procrastinates further.

Explained that this it his last chance or phone will go away. He doesn't listen, we take phone away and he completely kicks off. Screaming, shouting, hitting, kicking. He knows any form 8f violence has consequences. No dessert, toys taken away that he throws etc. But it doesn't make a difference. Tantrum tonight lasted for over an hour. He kicks off easily at home. It happens pretty much every day at some point.

We have spoken to school about it, several times, but they don't have that problem with him so don't it really serious. I am so exhausted and absolutely clueless what we are doing wrong?

Eight year old with a phone.

That's your problem.

Honest question here, do you not give your child
your phone occasionally to play a game?

My son had huge anger issues around that age. He was adopted, so there was other stuff going on in his head, but we usually had one major tantrum/meltdown every evening and it was exhausting. I was waiting for it to happen, so not enjoying the time spent with him.

He usually kicked off around bedtime, so I seem to recall I jiggled the bedtime routine to be a bit more in line with what he wanted, rather than what I thought it should be.

In your scenario, I might have tried a slightly different tack. I still wouldn't have had a phone at the table, but it would be up to him to put the phone down and come to the table while his dinner was still hot. If his dinner went cold, tough.

I found a "take it or leave it" attitude on my part, rather than "you must do this now" was less confrontational and more successful in the long term. This also served me quite well in the very trying teenage years too.

Thank you, the take it or leave it approach sounds definitely worthwhile trying.

Op in the nicest trying to help way he isn’t doing it at school so they are doing something you’re not. They have clearer boundaries in some way? Really have a think is it about attention at home? Has he got an axe to grind with one of you parents? I would say after this no
phone at all, and yes I give my kid a phone I don’t think it’s wrong. I wouldn’t assume he can’t control his temper at home id look into why he doesn’t maybe? Good luck

@Createausername1970 i find this is helpful, if my kid won’t eat his dinner I have started saying that’s fine (in a nice tone) don’t eat it if you don’t want to but you can’t have xyz. Not exactly the same situation but this non confrontational approach has worked for me.

Can I just add, the phone was just an example. The other evening he bumped into a chair because he wasn't looking and he completely lost it and started slamming and kicking the chair.

My 10 and 8 year old DC have my old phones to play games on so I'm not slating you for doing that OP but if they behaved in this way the phones would be gone permanently. I'd be stripping everything back to basics. Strict screen time limits on the TV, structured routine, plenty of sleep. Literally reparenting them like a toddler because there's no way in hell I'd put up with that.

Some children don't cope well in school, but just about manage to hold it all together in school, then let it out at home. So it's not necessarily correct to say school are doing things better or that you should duplicate school.

You have six weeks of no school coming up, see if that makes a difference to his behaviour at the end of the day.

I accepted that my boy had a lot of anger due to his history, so around about this age I did start to have conversations with him about how he could express this appropriately. A big cushion to punch, or going into the garden to have a big shout (sorry neighbours) etc. Quite often, I found that if I validated the way he was feeling, and gave him permission/encouragement to express those feelings, then they would diminish of their own accord.