To think saying no once should be enough?

[Redcourgette]

A rare night away with DH last night. We did have sex once that night. A few hours later he tries it on again and I brush him off, desperate for sleep. He tries 2 further times and again I have to physically ask him to stop. I'm tired. I don't want to do it again. I'm really tired of having to say no. He can not be near me/ huge/ be emotionally supportive without trying to turn it into an opportunity for sex.

Background- We have sex a couple times a month sometimes less (very young kids) still breastfeeding and co sleeping a lot. And I'm fucking knackered by life right now. I've been really communicative around the subject but he will still try it on at every opportunity- a few days ago our toddlers were in the next room playing. Went to kiss him on head. He tries it on. I did not want to shag right then with kids in next room.....and so I have to explain why so he doesn't sulk. Now this most recent event. It bloody infuriates me. My body is literally not my own and I've had enough of it.

AIBU?

YANBU. Kick him in the balls next time.

YUNBU! Shouldn't have to repeatedly say no, what the actual fuck. Does he understand that if he does eventually push so much that you give in when you clearly don't want to it makes him a rapist.
So gross, I couldn't be with someone like that. (Appreciate that's easy for me to say and a lot more difficult in real life)

Men like your husband are utterly repugnant. I'm sorry, op, I could not be with a man like this. He has absolutely zero respect for you.

Ask him directly if he knows what the term is for a man who doesn't listen when a woman says no to sex. His behaviour sounds like it hasn't strayed quite that far yet, but it might get your point across that not hearing no, coercion, sulking is all part of a really worrying pattern of behaviour. I hope you're ok.

The thing is it's really unattractive when a man does that. Could you take the reins in initiating a bit more. Sex drive changes it probably won't be always the way but he needs to be supportive

What's fucking WRONG with him?? That's odious behaviour.

He won’t change.
How do I know? I’m married to the same.
I kept thinking he’d change. I now go cold when he touches me, in fact I can’t stand to be touched at all. I make every excuse under the sun and/or end up shouting at him to get off me. There is no intimacy left at all as he’s killed it. Do yourself a favour and either march him to some couples counselling or leave.

I wouldn't be able to stay married to a sex pest. How awful.

I have really tried talking with him many times even though it makes me cringe. I don't initiate it because I'm literally a human dairy. And it hurts for a couple reasons he's aware of. He just wants more and more and what drives me potty is his sex drive was much lower during the first half of our 15 year relationship but mines always been perhaps a bit low and then adding in nursing babies etc it's even lower. We are both in our 30s. I can understand his frustration. But what about my frustration? I can't even have a hug with him. I literally can not be in the same room with him. I've had years of sulking and being made to feel I'm not good enough in that department.

And, neediness around sex... it is a total turn off for me.

No definitely means no.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and come to a compromise as you both sound like you have different sex drives.

You're not wrong in wanting to rest, he is not wrong in wanting to connect with you sexually. He probably misses you as you give all the contact/attention to the baby (quite rightly).

@HVPRN honestly we talked s couple days ago. Then last night. The opportunity (is being alone together) presented itself. Sex once is clearly not enough!

I had this for a while. I sat down and talked it through at length with my husband - why it upsets me, how it makes me feel, and why I'm so bloody exhausted. He also told me how it made him feel when I pushed him away so much. We worked through a lot. The next day he put the kids to bed and did a massive clear up of the kitchen as the perfect foreplay 😁

I'm not saying he's not an arsehole - maybe he is. But maybe some sincere open conversation (and him carrying more of the load) could help?

He's got no respect for you, and it's appalling to wake someone when they have a rare opportunity to have a decent nights' sleep to pester them for sex, let alone when you've already been intimate.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

@Rumplestrumpet that is what is so frustrating..after the incident the other day we discussed it. Both of us aired our feelings. A few days later we go away. Have sex that night and then a few hours later he's trying it on. Three times I have to ask him not to, explaining again why and then I have to physically scrape him off me and then get up and out of bed (no lay in for me despite this being the first night away from my 3 children)

This is nauseating and distressing to read, OP. I really feel for you. Your husband is being abusive, frankly. I don't mean to go straight to the extreme terms, but that's what it is! You're saying no and he's not letting go of you, meaning you sometimes have to actually get out of the bed to get away? What the fuck? Not only is it abusive but it's unattractive as fuck. What does he say during these talks that you have? Does he actually acknowledge what a massive deal it is, what he's doing?

A friend's husband was like that into his early 60s.

Insecure sex pest with zero consideration for her.

He died suddenly at 62 and she didn't even try to hide her relief.

@tattygrl he seems to acknowledge it but turns it on me in one sense- eg) I don't initiate it enough therefore he tries it on at every option. He will guilt me basically. He will also say he doesn't mean to make me feel that way, that it's how he feels loved/ connected. And whilst I get that, I feel love and connected by someone that can hug me, might offer me a cuppa when I've been up nursing all night, might ask me how I'm feeling etc etc

I'm also struggling with complex PTSD some of which has an element of sex I suppose.

My friend's husband tried that bullshit about needing sex to feel loved, too.

She basically wasted the prime of her life on him and regrets it.

Are the rape apologists who voted yabu going to be brave enough to comment?

My ex was like this. Led to me giving in when I didn’t want to/wasn’t comfortable and honestly by the end of our relationship just being sat in the same room as him made me cold. Never even sat on the same sofa never mind any other closeness, I was always scared that any moment would lead to being touched up inappropriately. Always moaned I was tired or didn’t want to be near him, never took responsibility in making me feel physically uncomfortable at all times. Unless they truly grasp that they’re not entitled to sex then it will never work.

@Gerrataere this does sound like me :(

No definitely means no. He needs to respect your wishes.
But ultimately if you have different sexual needs then you need
to have a proper conversation and go from there.
I would not want to stay in a marriage with sex less than twice a month. He has a right to say the marriage is no longer working for him.

He's an absolute bastard and a pig. The piffle about "it's how I feel loved and connected to you" is utterly, totally IRRELEVANT!

Here's an example from my own personal life. I am personally a very sexual person, and physical touch, sex and intimacy is a major way I feel "loved and connected". For a little while now, my partner has been dealing with lots of different issues, resulting in, among other things, an inability to want or enjoy sex and sexual intimacy. What I have done as a result of this... is completely, 100% respect that. Because I love and respect him as a person, and also because I could not ever entertain the idea of pressuring and pestering someone, let alone the person I love, into sex when they're not wanting it. EW. The idea of it is repulsive to me. THIS is how your husband should feel, too. I'm not a paragon of virtue - this is simply how one should treat other humans, especially their life partner. I deal with the lack of sexual intimacy by "sorting myself out", and at times, when it's appropriate, talking to my partner about the situation and us both sharing our feelings lovingly and openly, to try and help the situation resolve.

I'm sorry but there is absolutely no excuse on this planet for the way your dickhead of a husband is treating you. It makes me really, really angry. You deserve to be respected. Particularly by your life partner. Please find ways to put a line in the sand, protect yourself and tell him that this is NOT OK. We're all here to support you.

@tattygrl thank you. It really means a lot to me to hear this x

Peeling someone off you is desperately unattractive

If you’ve tried talking and airing your feelings and then it goes back to ground hog day then I think the next step is couples counselling. That MIGHT help cure his amnesia a bit.

It’s fair enough that he connects through sex, but that is no excuse whatsoever to push when you have said no.

If you now have mismatched sex drives you can talk about that in counselling, develop some boundaries about how he approaches you and whether there is a compromise on frequency. And then if it becomes evident there isn’t a compromise, you can finish it up in a structured way.

I had this conversation with my husband about a year ago. Every time any type of affection was bad he tried to move it on ( not like ur husband as he stopped when I said no )
i explained it as I then stopped the affection as I was fed up with not being able to have a huge etc. so in end I just stopped being affectionate. The affection is what keeps me feeling close to him in between sex if u see what I mean.

he now understands this. And our lives together have been massively better because of it and we have become closer. I can now lay next to him at night snuggled up knowing it is just this as I enjoy that so much.

have u explained this to him?