AIBU to want to move?

[Wrongpostcode]

DH and I live in a lovely area in central-ish london with 2 DCs (2yo and 6m). He lived in this area when we met and I lived further out. We live in a 2 bed flat that we bought when I was pregnant and needed to find somewhere suitable quickly and during lockdown (previous flat was 4th floor without a lift). I’ve always disliked the area (too central, not near a park, traffic, hard to park, amazing if you want a nightlife or work in central london but neither apply to us at the moment). Also whilst our flat is lovely, we’ve outgrown it - and had before we even moved in! (We both WFH but only one reasonable working space so when I’m not on mat leave I work in the bedroom.)

Our mortgage has gone up by £1500 a month and we are barely making ends meet despite good salaries. This will be worse when I’m back at work as I’ll have two in nursery. Because of the area, nursery is even more expensive too - will be £4700pcm for two. Would be substantially cheaper further out.

For the value of our flat we could get a beautiful “forever” home in outer London. DH refuses to live further out (which is also where both sets of grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins all live, and all my close friends). He says he wants an easy commute to work (he only goes into work 1-2x a month but he says that may increase) and easy reach of theatres, restaurants etc. He goes out max 3 nights a month and less now that we are being careful with money. I want to be near our loved ones, in the best home we can give our kids and committed to an area that we want to stay in for the duration of primary school (the next decade basically). I want a more affordable lifestyle or at least if we’ve next to no disposal income I want it to be for something worth it.

We argue about it all the time to the point that I worry our marriage won’t survive. We are both intractable on this subject. I really believe I want what’s best for the DCs and that he’s thinking of what’s best for a life that he no longer has (young, free, single).

AIBU? How do we navigate this that keeps the family harmonious?

I realise that I’m very privileged to even have this problem, but to be financially stretched when that could be solved by a bigger, nicer, cheaper property further out seems like nuts to me!

Hi @Wrongpostcode i think the thought of it is making your DH unhappy. I think once he sees the place and all the positives he will change his mind. I would look on the property search apps and find your forever home. When you are sure this is the one speak to your DH and hopefully he'll be convinced once he sees it.
Hope things workout xx

YANBU at all. Change can be hard for some people, and it sounds like he is still very attached to the idea of the life that he used to have. But your current setup sounds crazy!

I wonder if it will become more apparent to him in time, as the kids get a bit bigger, that your current flat and location are not working for your new life as a family?

Does he ever see himself moving out of central London...? Once the kids hit primary age a 2 bed flat with no garden will feel very limiting and claustraphobic. If he seriously has no intention of considering it in the next 5 years then you really need to consider your options. Those nursery fees alone make me break out in a cold sweat I have no idea why he wouldn't be motivated by that.

have you laid out the numbers for him and asked how it will all be paid for?

I would say that a lot depends on specific locations. Not all of outer London is the same in terms of access, amenities, etc.

He’s agreed to move in 2 years when the mortgage is up. Our mortgage is portable and by then we’d be too late for the school applications deadline so we couldn’t move far from where we are because we’d be tied to a school (or we’d have to move schools which is such an avoidable burden on DC).

We’ve agreed to discuss locations and research areas now that we’d both be open to (with a view to moving in 2 years) but he’s already ruled out the places I’d really like (4 or 5 different areas). He grew up further out and has a real bee in his bonnet about the suburbs.

The fees for another nursery in our chain are £1500 cheaper per month in the area I’d most like to live. It just doesn’t make sense to stay here until the mortgage us up when we’d have an instant £1500 saving per month, avoid moving schools and could move in a cost neutral or cost saving way if we got somewhere cheaper (which we easily could without compromising on quality - just compromising on location).

I have laid out the numbers. He’s really concerned about how we will afford everything but thinks we’ll have a tough 20ish months while we’re paying for two in nursery and then it’ll get easier. I cannot see the point in struggling when we really don’t need to.

I agree that not all of outer London is the same. I’m talking zone 4, within half a mile of a station and with a nice high street. I’m not suggesting anywhere that most people wouldn’t consider lovely. Other than snobbishness I can’t see any other reason to dislike the places I’ve suggested