I feel a bit nasty but...

[PenguiInaThong]

OK here goes.
Dc is at the end of Reception. He's befriended a child who is being assessed for additional needs so does struggle in some areas. This has become more notciable and this child struggles to mix.

Dc and this child are friends. Great. However on occasion they have had physical fights. Last one mum wasn't happy- fair enough but she phoned me at half 9 at night to complain. Told her it has been dealt with and let the school intervene if needed.

Anyway this mum texted me alot about this fight. I've started to ignore it. I've realised every time i see her she moans about her life, partner etc. It gets wearing. She also tries to get our kids on the same activities all the time. She also asks me to provide discount codes I get as part of my job and has tried to get my to pick her dc up from school.

Aibu to distance myself? I feel sorry for her but I've got my own life to run!

The mum’s behaviour has nothing to do with her kid having additional needs.

If any other school mum got overly familiar and you didn’t want to be that friendly with them or have your kid doing everything with them, then you’d feel the same. This isn’t about additional needs. It’s about a pushy parent. Distance yourself from her if you don’t want to be that friendly and have the kids do all the same stuff.

Suggest she has your dc 1 day and you will have both the next week. She will see how hard they are and won't ask again!

I'm not saying it does have anything to do with her child having additional needs. I put that as I'm aware she's under strain from assessments etc.

Also she's not on the school message with all the other mums which is her choice. However if something is mentioned in passing she gets wind of she'll text me expecting to know all the details and pass them on.

Sounds like you feel obliged to do her favours because of this, and she's taking
the piss advantage of this?

Be civil towards her, but you must keep your boundaries, so don't feel bad about saying no.

She sounds lonely to me

I think she is. I'm a single parent who majority custody so it's hard to give alot sometimes 😣

Dc is at the end of Reception. He's befriended a child

She also tries to get our kids on the same activities all the time

I think it's normal and understandable if she's trying to arrange activities with her child's friend.

Yes maybe but it's all the other stuff I've mentioned that's making me back off

What bothers you here?
A child either additional needs or the mum?

I'm happily married bit I am s parent carer to an additional needs child who doesn't start school until September he does 2 days at private nursery atm.

I am never on my own, my dh is home by 6 pm and off weekends so we're all together. 3 days a week I have one dc in school and one with additional needs with me and in the 2 he's in nursery my other is in school still obvs and I'm in work and / or uni.

Never ever alone apart from to and from work or uni 10 mkn drive few mins walk from car park 2/3 times a week BUT I am lonely!!!!

Being a single parent is lonely yes I've done that with my eldest for 6 years. It was hard.

But a parent to a child with additional needs is a whole different kind of lonely. Being a parent carer is heartbreaking! Of course I care for my kids the same but for this I have to be a carer I have to explain I am a carer. It makes you different and it's lonely. You are arrogant.

I'm not arrogant at all. I've no issue with the child and the mums not a bad person at all. I just don't want a relationship with this intensity.

You've stated that she might be stressed with assessments therfore might need a friend or someone she can rely on but you don't want to be that person but you haven't told her just talk about her in a forum instead.

That is arrogant behaviour

If the child's additional needs are ASD related she may well be on the spectrum herself and not understand boundaries.

Tell her you've got plans, you're going with other friends' children, your dc needs to make friends out of school, you mute the group chat so she's best going in herself and doing the same so she only needs to see what she reads and can go back if she misses anything she doesn't have to speak in the chat and then tell her you haven't got the time of day for the girl. Not hard really

I'd just respond that she needs to get herself on the school messaging. I am nobody's unpaid PA.

Apparently that makes me nasty 🤐

Say who?

I don't think you're nasty - this mum sounds like trouble.

Or arrogant according to some on here. I don't know I feel a bit not nice feelings a bit exasperated with it all.

It’s very difficult, my DDs friend is like this - both girls have additional support needs. Friends mum has little social awareness, I tend to just keep my distance and really only talk to her about stuff involving both girls. If she needs to know school stuff I’ll point her to the school app, Facebook group etc.

Ah yes, ChickenPie was having quite a go at you. Listen instead to

xsquared - "Sounds like you feel obliged to do her favours because of this, and she's taking the pissadvantage of this?

Be civil towards her, but you must keep your boundaries, so don't feel bad about saying no."

96% of people on your thread don't think you're being unreasonable. Because you're not! I suspect you're a bit of a people pleaser - don't like to say no, put other people's wants before your own needs - and get used by people who are less selfless than you.

So, be assured - you are not being nasty telling her where she can find the information for herself. The fact that she thinks you should do it all for her - well, that type will become better people the more they are told 'no' .

😂 I just don't want to be running her life as well as mine.

Exactly. So don't!

The real issue for you is that you feel bad doing it. You're 'letting someone else down' - except, no, you're not! She's letting herself down when she knows she CAN find out for herself, but CHOOSES to insist someone else be her unpaid secretarial support.

But I actually mean it when I say that "that type will become better people the more they are told 'no'". They will become more resilient, more self-sufficient, and hopefully less of a PITA to everyone else, who will not then feel the need to avoid them.

Saying 'no' to her is definitely doing her a favour in the long run, however much she kicks off about it in the short term.

Who's fault are the fights? You're glossing over how unhappy she is about the fights which suggests your child...

Next time she asks for school info, just tell her you're not sure of the top of your head, but you'll add her to the class chat. And give this reply every time hence forth.

If a play date doesn't work for you, just say sorry that doesn't work for me. There's no reason some of them won't suit you.

Is the pick up out of your way or do you literally walk past her door? Genuine emergency or every other day ?

No its not just my child starting anything. I've seen her child push mine with no provocation.

And the favours are not too often but enough. She has alot more support than me to pick her child up and I pay for am and pm clubs