Going back to work - did it make your life better or worse when you had a baby/toddler? (Not financially, just in terms of being a parent)

[turetuk]

Just that really. Not asking about financially, just being a parent.

I am a single parent and although DD’s dad is around it is very infrequent and ad hoc. It’s worse than him disappearing completely I reckon.

Dd will be going to nursery next month (in 3 weeks) and I go back to work in September. She will be 11 months. I’ve been told to drag out maternity leave as much as possible and that I could even add a couple of weeks unpaid parental leave etc because when I’m working and dd at nursery basically my life will be over. I’ve managed to sort a four day week with work for the first six months so was hoping that would be some flexibility. But now I’m wondering work may not be the ‘break’ from full time parent care that I was hoping it would be?!

I was a Sahm until my Dd was 4 (worked long hours all my life previous to having her)
It was a slog at times, I’ve recently started working part time and I hate it! I’m either working or cleaning, cooking, looking after Dd, I miss our slower, lazier days

I don't quite know which way to vote, but I found going back to work helped me to be a better and more patient parent as I got a bit of 'me' back and felt like I had a bit more mental bandwidth to deal with dd. Good luck with going back. It will feel like a shock to begin with but getting into a good routine will help.

Completely depends on your job and your relationship with work really! Personally I’ve found it tricky but I don’t love my job and didn’t particularly enjoy it before children either.

Do you have any back up options if your DD can’t go to nursery due to illness? From a logistical perspective that is often one of the biggest challenges. My eldest is school age and it isn’t a huge problem if she’s off sick from school as she can just watch TV in the background while I work from home, but that doesn’t really work with an energetic toddler.

@sunsethorizon no nothing at all! We are miles from any family. I can’t do much about it though so just going to have to manage I suppose…

I think it really depends.

I'm a nanny and all the mums I work for talk about how important to their sense of self it is, how much more they enjoy the time with their DC, how much more even it made their relationships re. childcare etc, how much more patience they have etc.

But they obviously all have the luxury of a nanny and loved their jobs before children.

@NuffSaidSam do you think a nanny would be better? Urgh just don’t know what to do! I do enjoy my job and I do find I have little patience sometimes and think I would have more patience if I had break

Better.

I was able to rent a flat, leave my ex, be happy and cheerful and fulfilled. We sort of 'nested' for a year in a little flat, just ds and me. Not having to put up with ex's vile daughter or his gloominess.

Back to sunshine and light and music and cheerfulness. I found a lovely childminder who was far more supportive than he had ever been. A massive relief. Being happy makes me a much better mum.

And then I bought a house which we've lived in ever since. Nice school, friendly neighbours, clean rural environment. Fields and woods. Heaven. 😊

I ent back to work pt at four and five months each time. I instantly felt 100% better. And I didn't even need to financially go back at all.
I was a much better parent because I was massively at risk of becoming depressed otherwise. I would far rather the 'stress' of juggling work than 24/7 childcare.
Mat leave was quite a low point tbh. We had zero help and I was desperate for a break.
Now 20 years on and both DC smart independent teens off at uni. All bonded just fine. Never a single regret and my pension looks great.

If you can afford it a nanny is much better, but it is much pricier than a nursery.

Without going into why it's better for the child, from your perspective it means you don't need to get the baby ready in the morning, just yourself. You don't need to rush back to pick her up from nursery and then drag her home at 6pm, you just need to go home and she'll be there (fed, bathed, ready for bed as you wish). There is less worry about what to do if the baby is sick because she won't be as sick and if she is the nanny will carry on whereas nurseries can be very proactive with sending sick kids home and excluding for 48 hours. A nanny will also take care of baby's laundry, tidying, toys, bedroom, shopping, batch cooking etc.

100% Better

It made me more present with the family and definitely utilised family days better as well. It made me (us) much more organised . It also gave me headspace away from the house and child. I could have uninterrupted adult conversations, make a positive and tangible impact with my daily work. I was able to build better and more secure relationships with friends and colleagues. I take genuine pleasure in the work I do. I was more positive overall and my mental health improved massively.

I went back to work full time after just shy of a year mat leave. I so need to have something that's just mine and where I'm able to be myself completely and unapologetically and for me that's work. I'm currently on mat leave again and I desperately miss it. Can't wait to get stuck back in

So much better.

I went back at 3 months. A years maternity leave wasn't for me at all.

Better for me - using my brain, having the chance to get to the end of a conversation or a mug of coffee while it was hot. Better for my partner - I had things to talk to him about at the end of the day, other than how many nappies had needed changing. Better for us together - we had to be more organised, had to have more conversations and communication, it felt like a shared responsibility.

Who knows whether it was better for our dc?

Much worse. Its an extra thing to juggle in life, and it's not like they suddenly start sleeping better just because you have work to do.

Part good and part bad.

It was great to get back to adult company and be able to go to the loo by myself. I'm not much of a natural SAHM or homemaker so I felt I had some worth by going to work.

But logically it was hard. I was part time so did every single drop off and pick up and my job really wasn't a small job. There are a lot of expectations on DMs of young DCs and I didn't feel I was fulfilling them at all. I was exhausted most of the time and felt like I didn't get a proper break as although part time I was 4 days a week with slightly reduced hours.

I think it's just quite tough whatever you do when they are young, but unless you absolutely love being at home it's worth going back to work in some capacity for pension. DS is 17 now and I'm so glad I went back as I've got the possibility of retiring at 60 .

Much better. We discussed DH being a SAHD but neither of us ever suggested I’d be a SAHM, for a reason! We have the most amazing childminder (10 years in now and she still has DSs for wrap around) and they adore her. I grew up with nannies and I’m extremely glad my utterly wonderful DM went back to work FT, she too would have been a terrible SAHM and I just ended up with more adults who loved me.

Better
socially, mentally and financially not just earnings but the financial discussions around preparing for uncertainty and retirement.
one of my colleagues was very savy regarding investments.

I initially found it difficult and stressful (I went back FT at 10 months), found it hard being separated from my DD and found the logistics difficult. Within about six months I was very glad I did though. When my marriage broke down four years later I was incredibly glad I did as I would have been properly shafted without a job.

I love working and I enjoyed the mental discipline of having something to focus on other than my baby. I also enjoy the social aspect of work. And I've always found that having time away from my DD makes me a better and more conscious parent when I'm with her and keeps me ticking over mentally better than if I was at home all the time. Although working FT and being a single parent is stressful I would find being at home FT quite draining and dull if I was doing it permanently.

It will depend to a large degree on whether you enjoy your job or not though. If your job is stimulating and rewarding you have friends there and supportive managers it will feel very different from going back to a dull, unpleasant and unrewarding job or one where you don't feel you are being treated with respect.

Yes, this for me too. My work days feel like reset days for my mental capacity for all the looking-after-kids time. They require something different of me than parenting, so being at work allows my 'parenting' bandwidth to recharge!

There's no magic answer. I found it quite isolating on mat leave, felt I wasn't using my brain etc. But then was always overtired and struggling to fit everything in when I went back to work.
After my youngest I dropped my hours and jobshared 50/50 with a colleague which was a fab compromise and the best balance I felt I had ( I was bloody skint to be fair!)
Have you got the option to reduce hours or be flexible? E.g. 9 day fortnight or buy extra leave through salary sacrifice?
I have been a working single parent and it is relentless... if you can take the odd day of annual leave or an afternoon off whilst baby is still at nursery, just to have a few hours where you're not on duty, it really helps with holding things together over the longer term.
Good luck with going back x

I was desperate to go back to work after both maternity leaves. I am not naturally maternal and needed something for myself.

As above P/T initially.

My friends have said it's a nice break being at work but be warned they will catch colds as soon as they start nursery so have a back up plan with child care if possible. Maybe ex could be around a bit more for the first fortnight or on call some of the days if possible.

I went back to work full time when DD was 9 months old. It was good for me and for us as a family. I needed to work, financially and just because I needed to be around adults and using my skills. i like progressing in my career get satisfaction from it.

We found DD a wonderful nursery and due to progression I've been able to work from home and very flexibly which means that since started primary school I've been able to do drop off and pick up and shift work around to attend events.

DD is a really sociable and well adjusted bright, kind and funny little girl, she's suffered no I'll effects from nursery, and as an only child it gave her opportunities to play with kids all the time. We have no extended family and I wanted to make sure she had the opportunity to socialise with and make friends with lots of kids from a young age.

My salary has quadrupled since returning from mat leave so we're able to afford holidays, home improvements, clubs and all the luxuries that we wouldn't be able to afford on just DHs salary. We also have savings so DD will be comfortable for uni or to put down a house deposit.

That’s good to know. I’m sending my one back at 5 months full time to nursery and childminder, it makes me feel awful and I hope it won’t have any damaging effect on her but good to read stories like this.