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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to chuck out their stuff (kids and DH's) without telling them...?

40 replies

Monkeybird · 26/02/2008 11:21

We've moved! It's hell! All the crap toys and shite DH's collections from the other house have moved with us. Is it wrong to throw/give things away without telling them? Judiciously of course (ie only the piles of crap they don't even know they have!)

And FGS how much is ENOUGH stuff? Am I wrong to think, if it doesn't fit in your storage, it needs to go? Why does DH need 7 coats? Why do my children need 15 pairs of trousers? And puhleeeease god, save me from the mountains of multicoloured plastic - does anyone have a good rule of thumb for dealing with ever expanding toy collections?

OP posts:

madamez · 26/02/2008 22:51

I think it's totally unacceptable to get rid of other people's belongings without asking them. OK in the case of under 3s maybe they are not going to have an opinion but to do this to an adult is controlling, bullying behaviour actually.
But if you are a minimalist freak with no life very tidy person living with people who want to hang on to their belongings, then a calm discussion about storage solutions is in order, of course. Taking unilateral decisions about someone else's property is not.

Spidermama · 26/02/2008 22:55

You have a point madamez but people who hoard junk they never use, which creeps more and more into your space and takes over your house so you have no chance ofd even the most modest sense of organisation are also behaving unacceptably.

I agree you shouldn't get rid ofd peoples stuff without asking and I think Monkey does too which is why she's looking for ideas.

purpleduck · 26/02/2008 23:05

Throwing out the kids stuff without them knowing is a cornerstone of good housekeeping

My ds would part with NOTHING if i left it up to him. Seriously!!!

DD would get rid of EVERYTHING!! We cleaned out her room last week, and I was saying "Are you sure you want to get rid of all this??!!!"

I would love to get rid of 2/3 of dh's wardrobe that he never wears, I could certainly make better use of the space!

Spidermama · 26/02/2008 23:11

I fantasise about whizzing through every room in the house with black bin liners. Oh the space. Oh the freshness! I'd know where things were, we'd live in a normal house like normal people .... MMmmmmmmmm.

MsHighwater · 26/02/2008 23:12

Getting rid of your dh's stuff without his input would be unreasonable. Kids should have input according to their age.

Buda · 26/02/2008 23:17

DH moans that when he met me he owned a flat that was full of HIS things. After a while I was given a shelf so I didn't have to carry clean knickers about . Now 20 years later all HIS stuff is gone and what remains is in one box!

I am not as bad as that sounds - most of his stuff was from his parents' home and we have gradually replaced it all with our own. I haven't chucked anything without agreement. He still has books going back to secondary school and he is 47 now!

I am a bit of a hoarder too though.

And I am not great at getting rid of DS's toys. We have a clear out every year though with his input. His clothes I just pack up and take to Dublin every so often to pass down to my nephews.

kslatts · 27/02/2008 02:04

I have chucked out our dd's stuff before and so far they have never noticed, they are 8 and 6. I now ask dd1 before throwing stuff out as she is sensible enough to decide whether she really wants to keep it, I still wouldn'e ask dd2 as should would not want me to throw anything out.

I wouldn't throw out dh's stuff, but when his drawers get really full with stuff he no longer wears I ask him to sort through it.

My dh also has an obsession with coats, he doesn't go shopping for clothes that often, but when he does he always buys a coat, he must have about 15 already in his wardrobe.

Original poster

Monkeybird · 27/02/2008 09:33

But madamez I'm not an anal control freak, honest! And I'm definitely respectful of his important stuff, nor am I particularly tidy... But the point is someone cannot keep accumulating stuff without making the decisions about where it must go, when they live in a limited amount of space with other people who also need to live there... I could equally argue that it is controlling, bullying behaviour to keep bringing stuff in, taking over the whole family's space without taking sensible decisions about how to rationalise it. And in fact (which is what lets me know DH does have a bit of a 'thing' about stuff) he actually gets fairly arsey if I even try to discuss it sensibly with him (and actually I haven't yet thrown anything of his away...)

I have been through the 'please would you try and make some space so I can put things away' and 'are you sure we really need another coolbag/thermos flask/rucksack/ set of sandwich boxes/ corkscrew' and even 'what if I store the things you don't wear in the loft so we don't have to leave the clothes you do wear strewn across the bedroom?'. To no avail.

So in the circs, what would you do?

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 27/02/2008 10:33

"which creeps more and more into your space and takes over your house"

your house, your space?

I thought at the very least it's shared space?

I really do understand that there are some people who are freakishly anal about clutter and tidy spaces, but there HAS to be some compromise surely.

I agree (Again) with what someone else said up there. To throw another adult's posessions away without at the vvery least talking to them is very controlling and unfair.

madamez · 27/02/2008 13:24

Monkeybird, OK I see you do have a bit of a difficulty here and in your circs I would think it reasonable to put some of the stuff elsewhere rather than getting rid of it ie you could say to him, let's get a shed/rent a storage unit and put the spare stuff in it. There does have to be compromise I agree.

Original poster

Monkeybird · 27/02/2008 13:29

Madamez, we have, er, a shed, a garage AND a storage unit! And guess what it's full of? Yup, mostly DH's stuff!

I rest my case, m'lud...

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 27/02/2008 13:30

I'd never chuck out anyting he really wanted to keep, and I'd not go through the stuff I don't understand (workshop). I still have his 'All about me' project (age 8) and his letter from the Queen Mother's Lady-in-Waiting (although I have to admit we did have a conversation about how his attachment to this was reconciled with his avowed republican beliefs ).

I think you've got to know what is important and what isn't. And we do.

Original poster

Monkeybird · 27/02/2008 13:31

it's they are

And now we've moved house, we also have a loft. I shudder at the thought...

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 27/02/2008 13:39

Ha! DH keeps talking about a loft conversion. And I laugh.....

helenhismadwife · 27/02/2008 20:48

definately not unreasonable with the kids stuff, I sort dh stuff out including his clothes and give him the last say on them he is a real horder

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