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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to pick up after the kids without being asked?!

18 replies

Lenor · 23/07/2023 03:17

Gah! I picked up an extra shift this eve as money is tight at the moment. It was meant to be just 5 hours 7pm- midnight but something unavoidable came up and I text DH at 11ish to let him know I probably wasn’t going to be home for several more hours. He knows I had a really bad night with our girls last night, and an incredibly busy day today so was sympathetic and text to say he was worried about me walking back afterwards and stay safe etc. I encouraged him to go to bed at midnight. He had to do bedtime with our 3 v young children solo earlier on but I was able to stay long enough to get their pjs on, teeth brushed etc so it was just a case of putting them into bed and reading a story (which I appreciate is a difficult task in itself in our house at the moment). He text me at 7:30pm to say they were all asleep, amazing!

Well I’ve just gotten home at 3am to find that he hasn’t done anything in the house at all. The dishwasher hasn’t been loaded after dinner, the girls have got toys and games out in the lounge. Their clothes from the day are still on the floor. The pots and pans from my DH’s dinner are all over the kitchen. Etc etc etc. Probably all in all 30 mins worth of chores, but now I have to do them.

and I know lots of you will say I don’t, but I do. Our children are ridiculously early risers and so there won’t be any time to do it before they’re up. Dh is solo parenting in the morning as I’m working again from 8am. (Another extra shift for the benefit of the family). If I leave it, he’ll just become overwhelmed with a messy house and the children and end up being snappy with them. And he won’t learn from it. He’ll do exactly the same thing next time regardless.

I know exactly what he’ll say in the morning. He’ll say that I didn’t ask him to tidy up. But why the hell should I have to?! I’m just so tired of the same arguments on repeat.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 23/07/2023 03:26

Do not pick up. You ate heading right back out to work and he is responsible for the house and kids. He needs to learn from experience that there is no “house cleaning fairy.” After he has an overwhelming and shitty morning of mess you can sit him down snd explain that the tasks that need doing must be completed: dinner/cleanup/bed breakfast/cleanup/playtime/nap its a goddamned cycle. The one in charge does it all.

Fraaahnces · 23/07/2023 03:32

You need to have a VERY big chat to him about what partnership is. The fact that he’s leaving this for you to do unless you “tell” him to do it, implies that he has decided that this is YOUR job. He knows it needs doing, but it’s YOUR responsibility. You need to tell him that he needs to accept that this is not YOUR job, but OUR job. I would make it very clear that the phone call was very caring, but coming home to that mess and being resentful affects your sleep and everyone’s quality of life. If this happens again, he can expect to be woken up an hour earlier and will be “TOLD” that you expect him to clean up after the girls and himself to your standard while you get some sleep.

SomeOfThesePostsAreRidiculous · 23/07/2023 03:42

It should be obvious right?
But OBVIOUSLY for him it's not.
The best advice I have ever received is "he cannot read your mind ".
So use your adult words and discuss this.
Yes it's frustrating,but Talk.To.Him.

Gettingfleeced · 23/07/2023 03:53

Leave the mess. Go to bed. Get some sleep.

WandaWonder · 23/07/2023 04:39

Dishwasher to me should have been done other than that is something you decided needs to be done he didn't

Parents can have different standards there is no right or wrong

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 06:24

Some people just have to be told, they have no initiative or have become lazy over time

namechange55465 · 23/07/2023 06:24

He certainly won't learn from it if you martyr yourself washing the pots at 3:30am will he?

Jubaju · 23/07/2023 06:27

You got from work at 3am and you are going back at 8am? When are you sleeping ? 😞

Curseofthenation · 23/07/2023 07:27

That is a very depressing read. If he says 'you didn't tell me' then I would set a daily reminder on his phone to help clean up after his DC! Hopefully he'll see how fucking ridiculous he is. Whether you are there or not, he should be bloody pulling his weight.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/07/2023 07:39

@SomeOfThesePostsAreRidiculous but he shouldn't have to read her mind for the things she's described. Surely a functioning adult who knows that mess stresses him out would automatically pick up / wash up etc. If the kids were all asleep by 7.30 he had plenty of time ...quick whip round and be sat by 8. I get the idea that not everything is obvious..if she'd said he hadn't bleached the loo or dusted or even hoovered, fine..that's different standards but basic picking up and the dishwasher is just that-basic.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/07/2023 08:06

namechange55465 · 23/07/2023 06:24

He certainly won't learn from it if you martyr yourself washing the pots at 3:30am will he?

This. The toys are less an issue because they'll just get them out again today.

But he's well beyond the age where he should still be believing in the cleaning fairy so you should not be showing him that she exists.

If you're working again today he has plenty of opportunity to do the dishwasher, some washing and whatever else needs doing while they play today.

Ask him why he doesn't do the things that need doing in the house while he's at home and you're at work. He's been a parent for years now, just looking after the children is the bare minimum. There's cooking, cleaning and laundry on top, so why is he not bothering to do his share?

TakeMyStrongHand · 23/07/2023 08:47

namechange55465 · 23/07/2023 06:24

He certainly won't learn from it if you martyr yourself washing the pots at 3:30am will he?

Spot on. Leave it til the morning. The world won't end because 30 mins of chores weren't done. Have a word with him and set expectations.

I feel for you because I have this issue with DP. It's not important to him so stuff will get left and picked up by me but we have rules so that he isn't getting away with housework, he does other stuff like cook and the garden.

LannieDuck · 23/07/2023 08:55

By doing it for him, you're removing the consequences. He makes a mess, and then everything is fine. Why would he learn to do differently when you bail him out?

Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 08:57

Why would he learn to do differently when you bail him out?

This x 100

UniversalTruth · 23/07/2023 09:01

Agree that you need a conversation when everyone is calm. My question is though: some people busy don't have the reminders in their head for this sort of thing (hi!) so if he acknowledges that he needs help remembering what needs to be done then maybe work on that - a list on the fridge?

JenniferBarkley · 23/07/2023 09:01

I hope you didn't do it. Next time, don't. He was on solo duty last night and this morning. It's not like you were coming in just after bedtime, you got home at 3am. You just assumed he had decided he'd rather do it in the morning than at night, didn't even occur to you that he would have expect you to do them at 3am, you just fell into bed.

UniversalTruth · 23/07/2023 09:02

Random busy in there. Should read some people don't have the reminders in their head.

TeaGinandFags · 18/10/2023 18:48

This post proves that men think every woman was put on earth to mother them. Some of the replies prove that plenty of women agree.

Go on strike.

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