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AIBU?

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Original poster

Police meeting

26 replies

Strawberriesandcreammm · 22/07/2023 21:40

Writing on behalf of my sister in law

‘made a complaint to 101 a few days ago about harassment from my ex coming into my work etc. all I wanted was a log number but I’ve even told I need to attend a meeting on Thursday at the station? What does this mean? Why do I need to go?’

OP posts:
Namechangers123484 · 22/07/2023 21:42

It will be to discuss the allegation and see next steps, ie giving a statement, completing a DASH etc. your SIL can decline to give a statement however it’s always worth giving as much info as possible in case it continues or escalates.

RachelGreensHair · 22/07/2023 21:43

Why do I need to go?
To provide more information obvs.

Original poster
Strawberriesandcreammm · 22/07/2023 21:46

It’s been on going two years now she’s only now decided to report it from advice from a support line. I think she was worried that it was repercussions that come from it as her friends said that this is unusual behaviour for police to call you in etc and that she should retract it but all she wanted was a log number etc!

OP posts:
Jouleigh · 22/07/2023 21:47

Your SIL may not want to take it further but the police have the power to do so anyway.
They will also signpost her to support should it escalate & complete a dash report as PP said.
It gives an idea of if the risk to her/children is low, medium or high.
It's not necessarily a negative thing though.

Namechangers123484 · 22/07/2023 21:48

It’s not unusual at all, police have station based appointments, normally a 1-2 hour apt so that further info can be given. It means it frees up car resources to go to emergencies etc

Quveas · 22/07/2023 21:54

A crime reference number is the evidence that a crime has been reported. You can't just report a crime and then tell the police that they can't investigate it - it doesn't work like that. She doesn't have to go, and she doesn't hae to tell them anything, but then she can't also have a crime reference number on file. I know that some police forces may not take some such reports seriously, but it sounds like this one does - and rightly so. Our local police would too, and would follow up any report of harassment against a woman by their former partner. In all honesty, she should talk to them about this. Nobody should live like this for two years.

Valhalla17 · 22/07/2023 21:57

She needs to go to provide further info. They are clearly taking it seriously and want to help....which is I guess what your sis-in-law needs or she wouldn't have logged it with them. They have a duty to follow up on these things and properly investigate.

Redglitter · 22/07/2023 22:01

her friends said that this is unusual behaviour for police to call you in etc and that she should retract it but all she wanted was a log number etc!

Her friends are wrong. This is what drives me nuts about the 'log it with 101'
Shes phoned & reported a crime. A domestic incident. The police are not going to just give an incident number & ignore it

They want to see her to get a statement and progress the enquiry.

Even if she doesn't want to pursue it please have her attend & speak to them. I know in the force I'm with, just ignoring it won't make it go away.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/07/2023 22:06

It's far more discreet than a car and coppers turning up on the bloody doorstep, thats for sure.

They'll have a chat, find out the details, tell her what can happen next, what she can/can't do, what they can/can't do and it may be that nothing else is done unless the person shes made an allegation about does something else.

It is the sensible thing to do, and you should encourage her to do it.

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/07/2023 22:07

So SIL asked for help. Police have taken seriously and now she wants to know why ? Jeez.

Original poster
Strawberriesandcreammm · 22/07/2023 22:10

Thank you all I’ve sent her a link to this post so she can follow on from all the advice given.

her case is complicated, she’s just worried that it will get worse she doesn’t want action taken right now but wants it logged incase for future things.

if she doesn’t want to ‘peruse.’ Can the police over ride her? She’s been reassured to go she’s just scared if the police take action what will happen sort of thing for her which I understand as she’s anxious and it’s been a lot of encouraging to get to to report it!

OP posts:
penpop · 22/07/2023 22:12

This isn't unusual at all as they now have to take harassment seriously. I had to have a meeting after reporting through 101. They will ask her the situation, how it makes her feel ect and what she would like doing so would she like to make a formal statement or is she happy for it just to be kept on file with no further action at the moment- if she chooses the latter she will be able to go back to it and change her mind and make a formal statement if anything further was to happen. Tell her not to worry it's honestly not as scary as it will feel to her right now

Thefieldisfallow · 22/07/2023 22:12

Yes, if the police are aware of a crime they can go ahead with action whether or not she supports it.

Sounds like they'll refer her to MARAC.

Chowtime · 22/07/2023 22:17

I'm not sure that a crime has been committed. When you say he came to her workplace how did he access the premises? Does she have a non-molestation order against him?

If not and if she works in a public place and he came in it's a grey area surely.

The reason she hasn't been given a crime reference number is because police first have to ensure a crime has been committed and I think they need clarification on this which is why they have asked to see her.

Original poster
Strawberriesandcreammm · 22/07/2023 22:20

She works in a public place but he came in asking for her he’s done with twice in the past week now and also has been ringing the office phone multiple times a day whilst she’s on shift, she’s worried that if she goes they’ll just take the matter in their own hands and she’s worried about the ‘what ifs.’ Of this whole process, she’s wanting to call up 101 and retract it all because she’s worried if he’s spoken to and it’s a ‘slap on the wrist.’ Than he’ll just annoy her more

OP posts:
Redglitter · 23/07/2023 05:03

she’s wanting to call up 101 and retract it

Realistically she can't. She's reported a crime & it has to be followed up. Remember though the officers she sees will have seen this situation before, they'll understand she's nervous & having doubts. She can talk things through with them and they can help her decide what happens next.

It may be they won't take it further at this stage & will give her advice but she definitely does need to speak to them.

Morewineplease10 · 23/07/2023 06:55

She needs to go through with it. They will be specially trained officers, and as PP said they'll understand her nerves and fears.

I get she doesn't want to make it worse. Has she done Clare's Law? She should ask them about that if she already hasn't.

nobodysdaughternow · 23/07/2023 09:04

Stalkers don't go away if you put up and shut up op.

Women are killed e be rudest by ex partners. Usually when they leave or move onto a new relationship.

She is in danger and needs Police involvement.

nobodysdaughternow · 23/07/2023 09:05

Should say "women are killed everyday by ex partners"

ZombieBeryl · 23/07/2023 09:27

They will take a statement from her to see if a crime may have taken place. If the police believe your SIL's ex may have unlawfully harassed her, they will interview him. The police would offer specialist support to your SIL. Your SIL may also wish to consider applying for a non molestation order. I am not a lawyer - this is based on my own experience of being harassed by my ex partner.

As others have said, you can't just 'log' a crime for a reference number.

WtahhIread · 23/07/2023 09:35

Three women a week are killed by their partners or ex partners. This also doesn’t include the ones that have been attacked or harmed.

I know some police officers and I used to work with survivors of DV. It takes around 36 incidences before women report or do something about it because they have been so brow beaten. Often due to fear women will not want to press charges or just change their minds and go back to or not leave the abuser. It is incredibly complicated.

DV costs 36 billion a year, the NHS cost 108 billion a year for some context. Imagine if people and let’s be honest it’s mainly men were not so awful how all that heartache could be avoided and how that money could really help people.

Createausername1970 · 23/07/2023 09:49

So the police are wrong when they don't take women seriously and do something. Now they are taking it seriously and want to do something, she wants to retract!

No, she reported a crime, she has said her ex has been harassing her. She needs to go and see the police. Either she is telling the truth and he needs to be on their radar - or she has over exaggerated the situation (maybe there is a valid reason he has been trying to get hold of her) and she needs to sort it out.

happytobee · 23/07/2023 10:24

Ex police here - as this is involving her ex this would be a domestic incident so the victim has to be seen / spoken to. This is a policy bought in after people reporting domestic violence, nothing being done and then the crime escalating, sometimes to murder.
Please encourage her to make the most of this and stick with the report

happytobee · 23/07/2023 10:25

Also (in our force anyway) harassment from an ex was automatically stalking which is a serious crime and will be investigated as such

KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2023 11:56

Strawberriesandcreammm · 22/07/2023 22:20

She works in a public place but he came in asking for her he’s done with twice in the past week now and also has been ringing the office phone multiple times a day whilst she’s on shift, she’s worried that if she goes they’ll just take the matter in their own hands and she’s worried about the ‘what ifs.’ Of this whole process, she’s wanting to call up 101 and retract it all because she’s worried if he’s spoken to and it’s a ‘slap on the wrist.’ Than he’ll just annoy her more

She really needs to follow this through. How can she be more worried that the police might do nothing than the police actually doing nothing because she withdraws her report? It doesn't make any sense, wastes everyone's time, and most importantly, puts her in danger!