To think I’ll never get rid of this voice in my head

[Sizzlysausage]

Does anybody else have this? Objectively I have a good life. Not perfect, but good. But all my life I’ve had this voice in my head constantly telling me I’m shit, I’m a failure, etc etc. Sometimes it is quieter but it’s always there. At times (like now) it’s deafening and I just don’t know where the voice ends, and I start. I also have a habit of analysing every social interaction and picking myself apart. I guess my AIBU is whether it is reasonable to hope I can ever manage this? Has anyone else? I’m starting to despair. If relevant, I’m 50 (and on HRT)!!

It isn’t easy to start with, you do have to get into a habit of assessing each thing that the voice says to you, like is this a fact or an opinion (let’s be honest, it’s all just opinions really!), and would I say this to/about any of my friends? If not, why not?

But it does get easier. A therapist can help you get started if you will find it useful.

Thanks @Sunbird24

One thing I really struggle with is that everything I read suggests I should not believe my inner critic - that just because it says I'm a bad person, doesn't mean I am.

But let's take somebody who is (according to many of us) quite 'bad.' Like Trump. If he had an inner critic telling him he's bad, would he be advised to try to ignore it? I know this is a slightly ridiculous example but the fact is, some people ARE bad. Some people do get things really wrong. And some people do get more things 'right' than others, and perhaps are more 'successful' as a result.

The context for this is that I'm currently obsessing about something I got very wrong at work, which may have hurt some people, and made others think I'm pretty stupid. That feels like a fact. So if my inner critic is telling me that, why should I tell it to fuck off? Maybe it's just right?

I guess these are the questions I could ask a therapist but sometimes I think my issues seem more existential than personal!

Ok, so in context the ‘fact’ is that you did something wrong. Examine that a bit further though - why did it happen? What can you learn from it going forward? How can it happening actually help in the long run? I used to work in security and we had a mantra about never wasting a good breach, as they’re great training opportunities and can show up other areas where you can make improvements you might not have thought of otherwise. Clearly you also care about the outcome and that it may have hurt some people - a bad person wouldn’t be at all bothered, and might even have done it on purpose! What would you say to somebody else at work if it had been them who did what you did instead of you? It’s not always about ignoring the voice or telling it to fuck off, but start to try and at least question it rather than just accepting what it says, especially if it’s in such black and white subjective terms as good and bad. I do agree that some people seem to get through life without making any big mistakes (or at least getting found out) but that doesn’t make them ‘good’ or anyone else ‘bad’.

FWIW, I don’t actually think Donald Trump has an inner critic, he seems like the kind of person with an inner voice that tells him he’s the best thing on earth, even when he’s doing/saying ridiculous or damaging things or applying fake tan

So kind to respond @Sunbird24 (Not offering him sympathy or excuse, but I also think Donald Trump may secretly be a very scared child shouting very loudly to make himself feel better)!

I would be very confident that Donald Trump's inner voice just tells him he is right all the time.

It's interesting to me that you think he wouldn't. It suggests you believe everyone wanders around worrying they are bad or incompetent when honestly they don't.

I think CBT, even online or from a workbook would really help you. I found it mind blowing discovering how warped my way of thinking had gone.

Oh my word @AnnaMagnani maybe I'm the scared child and projecting! 😁

Yes I have that voice OP and for me ,it stems from being the very average one in a family of four very high achievers. I also was not diagnosed with autism until I was 50 (53 now ) and have never fitted in except with my husband & children. ( I know my children can be embarrassed by me sometimes when I don't mean to , as I think they find me a bit odd.Been told that by people alot in my life.( I don't mean it, I honestly try not to!. So yes, I feel an imposter when things go well . I don't know how to help you but maybe just try and accept yourself as we are all different and can't help it. Take care

I second AnnaMagnani's advice. I have had episodes of an intrusive inner critic (also apparently dealing in "facts" - but I was blaming myself ridiculously, and after a fair bit of work, I was able ro reframe my thinking in line with what people around me assured me was the case (and I now agree with them 😄) For me it was tied in with very obvious anxiety symptoms (shaky, disrupted sleep, no appetite etc) and SSRI antidepressants helped also, along with challenging the voice in detail, as CBT teaches you to do.

Have not had an ED though so it may be a slightly different approach, as suggested by pps would work for you. But Im sure there is hope for you.

@GrannypantsMagee just want to say thanks for that book recommendation - I have started reading and it’s great. I also just listened to a YouTube vid with singer - he said the universe holds itself up on its own. And I just thought: yes! I do feel as though I am trying to hold everything together/up … but I don’t need to. Anyway. It made a lot of sense. Thank you.

This sounds like symptoms of ADHD. I only recently realised imposter syndrome, inner critic, lack of self esteem and rejection sensitivity dysphoria are all part of my ADHD. Plus a never ending voice on my head that wont shut up and is often critical. I'm not depressed either. Maybe take a look at symptoms and see if you recognise any others.

I’m Another advocate of CBT to give you the tools to silence your inner critic.
when you have years of believing the negative thoughts, it is such a relief to learn how to manage them. It was life changing for me. I had 12 weeks of CBT 24 years ago and I still use what I learnt. I visualise my inner critic as wee black beasties who creep into my head when I am not paying attention, but they scurry away when I become aware of them and shout get out (silently in my head). Good luck OP x

Compassion focused therapy really helped me with this.

I’m doing this right now. You are not alone. I haven’t read other posts (yet) but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I’m sat here upset with myself and calling myself stupid s d voice inside my head is telling me I shouldn’t meet up with people. I keep trying but it hasn’t got easier for me.