Anyone else's life not quite gone how they want it to?

[Sporty339]

I'm early 30s, earn around 26k a year. It's not terrible at all, I know but it doesn't really go far these days. I feel like I'll never be on anything like 40k+. I do have a degree, don't want to say in what industry but it isn't vocational. I do like my work a lot, have flexible working and an excellent work life balance, that accounts for a lot. Money isn't everything but I do feel like a failure sometimes. I cannot afford more than a small 1 bed flat and all of my clothes are second hand, have a very low standard of living.
I often wish I'd gone into an industry like finance or something similar, people years younger than me are on about X3 my salary.
I've been with my partner for around 3.5 years, lived together for 2.5 years. He's a couple of years younger but late 20s. We rent a 1 bed flat together, met through a previous job.
I've been on the fence about having a baby for a while, my partner knew of my uncertainty, but over the last few months my mind has changed. I feel ready for it now, I am nervous to tell my partner this.
He has said in the past he'd like to be a father but nothing has ever been set in stone. The problem is he's always been in low-paying roles (earns just over min age). He thinks this isn't conducive to getting married and having a child. I do understand why he says this, even though I have told him a few times I have zero interest in a big expensive wedding. I'd go to the registry office and get married, it really doesn't have to cost a lot.
As for having a child, It's tricky. Babies don't have to be very expensive, and as long as two parents are providing an income, then surely that should be ok? Sorry if I'm sounding very naive.
He is looking to complete further qualifications in order to enhance his prospects, which is great. However There's no guarantee of anything. It may be several years before he achieves a higher paying role, and unfortunately I don't have that time to wait from a biological perspective.
He has a couple of older friends who've never married or had children and I do wonder if that influences him,even his similar age friends are unmarried and without children.
I don't know what to do. I know I have to be patient, but it could be years, or never? I feel powerless and like a passenger in my own life.

He works in Aldi ATM.

In 2013 I took a full time job pay8ng 22k, now in 2023 my 0.8 job is 35k and my extra work about 15k on top. I had 3 kids between 2011 and 2018. I'm a teacher. Starting salary now 30k, if I was ft I'd be on 44k.

That sounds fantastic, it's great you've managed to achieve that.

You have a degree, you can too!

Can he work his way up? Regional manager at aldi is 35 to 40k I think.

I wish I had done another degree, but maybe it's a good idea to look at degree apprenticeships for example.
I understand about the job thing, but I dislike that I don't know where my life is going, there's no plan, it's all so vague.

The thing is you have to work out how much disposable income you have now, what you both earn is not what you need to know it's how much you have extra on that wage to support a child.

Yes, children themselves are not that expensive, buy you have to factor in you as the main earner and your maternity leave, your partners paternity leave and then what you do, if he becomes a SAHP or can you afford childcare ?

There is a lot of "sums" and planning to do before you have kids if you are worried financially before.

Have you thought about the cost of childcare? Possibly more than your wage so children cam he expensive if you have no one to rely on.

You are right, it's just the uncertainty of it all, what if there isn't this higher wage in a year, 2 years from now?

if you're renting and both working and on relatively low wages, you may well be eligible for Universal Credit if you have a child especially if you have to pay for childcare. It could be worth having a play around with different scenarios on a benefits calculator, the one on entitled to is very gooď

I've done the entitled to calculator and it says we are entitled to a very generous amount, as well as child benefit. However it feels wrong to claim this, or do I just have a strange attitude?

Claim it.

Children also benefit society, its not selfish to have 2 kids it's replacement rate. Gov should help as they will be future tax payers. Otherwise only the rich and very poor will have children!

We work opposite shifts and mine are flexible so we wouldn't need full-time childcare. Things like prams, clothes etc. Can all be bought second hand.
However if my partner isn't ready there's nothing I can do.

I think I would only ever have 1, you are right though maybe I shouldn't feel guilty.

Have the conversation. Say that, and the uc etc.

Its called entitled to for a reason! Its what the (far from generous) government says you have a right to. It's no more wrong to claim something that's provided for you than it would be to claim any other entitlement provided for people -state pension, NHS care, education etc.
Society needs people to do the jobs that don't pay well. Often these involve essential work in care, food supply and so on. People in these jobs shouldn't have to lose the right to have children because some jobs our society needs doing don't pay enough to afford it.

I'm quite a bit older than you and feel similarly. I have two very young children to support, have had to move in with family post-kids, now can't seem to find any job I'm qualified for with a salary that will even cover the childcare I need. It's a bit miserable seeing as I have a Master's degree and a sizeable student loan debt.

Have thought of doing a financial qualification, but that's another 5ish years of studying alongside working and I'll miss out on time with my babies. But I fear that if I don't take some kind of action now, they'll never be able to pursue hobbies, go on school trips, etc. as they get older.

It's really not easy. But you are still really young with decades of working life ahead (eeek!). Don't be afraid to try something new! :)

I'm not sure from what you say that this relationship and your financial situation is ideal to have a child.

Life may seem flat now but raising a kid as a single mum in a one bed flat is also something you need to think about.

Really id suggest trying to maximise your income whilst you have time to study. It will all be much more difficult with a baby, especially if the father is reluctant.

I'm sorry but I read your post a little as if you're disappointed on your standard of living and professional achievements and so having a baby seems an option to give your life more meaning. Whilst this may be true it will add hugely to your stress, put strain on your relationship and involve juggling work with childcare at points.

You can postpone a familynfor two years surely and in that time could undertake a Master's part time or gain other skills that will increase your earning power and perhaps lead to greater satisfaction.

Remember benefits laws and rules can and do change so relying on them is a risk.

Thank you everyone. I don't want to conceive after 35 if possible (just my own personal choice).
The problem is men have a lot more time and can delay and delay if it suits them.
I just hate living in this limbo.

Hi OP, it seems to me like your main concern is that your partner doesn't want to commit to marriage and kids - is that right? You are keen and feeling the clock ticking but he is dragging his feet? In your shoes if I wanted to feel less "in limbo" I'd put it to him straight - like I want to get married in a tiny service in September and start trying to conceive straight away. Are you in or not?

He will hopefully give you a straight answer and then you'll know... If you are sure you want kids before 35 and his answer is no then you need to walk away and start plan B - whether that is dating or just donor sperm, don't let time drift past and find that it's too late, you'd never forgive him.

FWIW, neither DH nor I are currently high earners (wasted quite a bit of time naively pursuing 'creative dream jobs' that didn't ever lead to liveable salaries).

When we had kids we moved to a very cheap area (far from London with no good transport links!), made plans to earn sufficiently in flexible WFH type roles, and made it work.

We are very happy with our choices: our home is lovely with a nice garden, the local school (thank goodness) is both excellent and walkable, the air quality is great and kids are thriving. I am in the middle of retraining to something that I hope will give us more financial heft while continuing flexible WFH lifestyle which works with random prize-giving assemblies and the odd inset day...

In an expensive city you need a huge wage to survive but in a cheap part of the country you really don't need that... I'm not saying don't claim UC btw! But just trying to show that taking charge of your future and making it work to have kids soon doesn't have to mean a big pay rise.

Wish you all the best.

Re uncertainty, I have learnt (through a lot of shitty life experiences) that nothing in life is certain. You can think you have things totally sorted and then the rug can be pulled out from under your feet and bam, it’s all gone. Couples I thought were incredibly happy splitting up, serious illnesses, redundancies, bereavement…life can change in the blink of an eye. All sounds very doom and gloom I know but I’ve learnt to live in the moment more, if today is ok then great, I don’t dwell on the future or the past. Letting go of all that definitely makes for a happier state of mind, IMO. I guess you could say I’m a passenger in my life, but it’s a conscious choice to be.

However that’s easy for me to say as I had my DC young and never experienced the ovaries clicking together like castanets in my early thirties. I think you need to spell things out very clearly to you DP, and make your decision from there if you really want to have a child. IME, there’s not many men of that age who are hankering after marriage and babies, and if none of his mates are living that lifestyle it probably seems like a crazy leap for him to do it. But you’re right, you don’t have time on your side. All you can do is sit him down for a proper talk about it.

I sometimes allow myself an evening with a glass of wine to reflect on how my life has gone so far (which does include some regrets), but I generally try to stay focused on all the years left ahead of me which are the ones I actually have the power to change/influence.

We're similar ages OP and the feeling of wanting a child is powerful. I'm in a similar boat. You owe it to yourself to pursue it. That involves having a conversation with your partner about how you feel ready for it sooner rather than later, so can he please tell you if he sees that now in the non-ideal circumstances you have today, or if he wants to wait.

If he wants to wait, you leave with no hard feelings and seek out a relationship with someone who is ready for kids now.

You've got time now to do that, but you don't have time to wait 2/3/5 years for him to catch up and run the risk of it not working out anyway. So have the conversation. You're not weird for wanting kids. You're not irresponsible for having them in your circumstances, even if it will be hard.