To panic about losing someone to have a child with following break up

[Emiii]

Just had breakup from marriage of over a decade. On the cusp of mid 30s with a health condition that will make conception difficult.

My ex wanted to have children with me and would have been a good dad but would have been a terrible partner through it. He made me feel like a burden every time I needed help with something, was weird about my body and appearance, fixated on hobbies and was obsessive about sex and other women. On paper ticked other boxes valued by society - strong, capable, willing to bring the bulk of money in (but I would have had to work part time too.

I left because of gaslighting and inappropriate behaviour with younger women. But my brain is now telling me I have missed out on my chance to have a child, my health condition is going to make the odds of this happening very difficult. I really want to be a mum. I also need to take some time to recover from what's happened. But I haven't got time to mess around if I want to have a child.

Any words of wisdom?

You have dodged a massive bullet. You really don't want to be tied to that man forever. It's natural to grieve for what could have been though x

He doesn't sound like he would have been a good dad at all. A good dad is a good role model... Would you really want a daughter who thought that sort of behaviour was acceptable in a partner and should be tolerated? Or a son who modelled how to treat women like that?

You've had a really lucky escape, he sounds awful if his main redeemable features are things 'society values' (note you didn't say they were things that you value)

I appreciate you feel like time and fertility aren't on your side. But give yourself time to heal. There are lots of ways to be a mother, getting pregnant and giving birth isn't the only one. 💚

You’ve had a lucky escape; as has the children you sensibly haven’t had with him. You could consider IVF with a sperm donor if you’re willing to go it on your own?

It would have been absolutely wrong to have a child with your ex, I think you have to take a step back and realise just how incredibly brave and strong you’ve actually been here.

You took yourself out a relationship you knew didn’t serve you and wouldn’t have served a future family. Not everyone could have made that choice so first of all, recognise that and be proud of yourself. It must have took a lot of courage.

There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t find a partner and if that isn’t what you want, there isn’t any real reason why you couldn’t go it alone, there are options for single women.

Regardless of how scary it is to be single in your mid 30s and facing the decline of your fertility, the reality is that you DO have time. Take some time now, get your life back in order, spend the summer doing things you enjoy and try to step away from the questions over your future for a little while. It is really hard to see a situation for what it is whilst you’re in the middle of it.

What worked for me was taking some time out it, accepting that yes there was a risk I wouldn’t get my family but spending every single day in a panic over it would make no difference to the outcome. Once I’d separated from the constant fear, I began to enjoy my single life a bit and it all felt a bit more manageable. I started to look into my own fertility and got some blood work done and spoke to a private clinic about IVF etc. It helped me to take some steps to understand my options.

I did go on to meet a partner and have children in my late 30s. But even before I’d met him, I had started my journey to accept my life for what it was, not constantly hankering after what it wasnt

My first marriage ended when I was 35. I also had existing fertility issues. I'm 42, married again and we have an almost one year old. When I got divorced I thought I'd never marry again and that I wasn't going to be able to have a child, I'm so happy that I was completely wrong!

Sounds like you did the right thing in getting out of an unhealthy relationship but you are not being unreasonable to feel anxious about the implications for your motherhood journey. That shit is real. I recommend the book 'The Panic Years' - you are not alone!!

If he made you feel so bad, why would you want your child to have him as a dad?

I think I'd rather use a sperm donor than be tied to an awful man

Read the 17 million threads on here where woman after woman knowingly has a baby with a complete prick.

Better no baby than a baby with a terrible man.

Absolutely this.