How do you tell the difference between needs and wants? What are needs exactly?

[Confuddledalot]

Especially when it comes to emotional needs?

Things like proper food, safe home, medical care...I find easy to identify those as needs. Being loved is the only obvious emotional need I can say oh yes I can see that's a need.

But I see a lot about emotional needs and don't really understand what they are, beyond being loved?

What are some of the more complex emotional needs, do you think?

Emotional needs are things like sense of purpose, sense of belonging, feeling safe to be yourself, feeling understood, etc.

Take a look at "Maslows Hierarchy of Needs"

Different people have different needs to function and flourish. Some people need reassurance, some people need challenge, some people need routine, some people need change. Etc.

Yes, I'm familiar with Maslow.

I just don't understand them as needs, I guess?

A sense of purpose, or of belonging, are they just not things that are nice to have rather than "needs"?

How many people really have all these met? Surely most people don't - so are they really needs?

Aren't they more like wants?

Different people have different needs to function and flourish.

Ah, maybe this is what I'm stupidly missing then @bridgetreilly

That the exact definition of needs, as in what is an absolute must have, is different for each of us?

I believe these are all considered to be quite essential to becoming a healthy person.

For example having strong social and cultural bonds are needs that are deeply ingrained us genetically and would have been essential to your survival historically, humans are pack animals after all. Our sense of belonging to a community and purpose protects us against other types of stress, gives us support and fosters a more resilient mindset which in turn protects against all manner of mental health issues.

It's actually a really interesting area to read about, I should definitely get to the library as you've peaked my interest 🙂

Maslow?

It is interesting, absolutely.

I wonder if online life and being able to keep in touch with friends from different parts of life in the past via Facetime and the like, has in some ways met needs for community?

As I think quite a few people don't have the traditional community set up anymore where everyone knows everyone.

I think things like the workplace can meet a need for community too if people genuinely like their colleagues. But even so much of work is online nowadays!

Yep.

Apparently, the stuff at the base of the triangle, that for a long time was regarded as the most basic urgent needs that must be met first of all - aren't as important as the emotional needs.

They should form the base, and then we build successfully upwards and meet the physical needs.

I'm just having a hard time identifying what emotional needs really are and what are just emotional luxuries I guess

I think they are needs. They are essential to be healthy and psychologically sound.

You won't die without them, but you won't thrive.

It's like we need vitamin d, but we don't necessarily die without it, only get sick.

Apparently, the stuff at the base of the triangle, that for a long time was regarded as the most basic urgent needs that must be met first of all - aren't as important as the emotional needs.

You wouldn't have to go long without food or shelter to think they weren't thst important.

You can live without the higher stuff, but you might not enjoy life. I think a lot of the needs we take for granted if they're met.

I suppose some of it is - you need food. You need a diet with a balance of vitamins and minerals and enough calories. But you want a bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate snd your friend wants a bag of Quavers, but the need would probablybe best met with a plate of stemed veg. Food is a need, but a particular food is a want. The same will be true of the higher needs - the basic concept is a need, but the exact realisation will vary between us.

a quick google and this seems to be worded in a way that makes it understandable.
The 9 Basic Emotional Needs — Guidance Teletherapy (guidancett.com)

YABU

I think that its very telling that you think of emotional needs as “wants” and therefore as “luxuries” —it suggests that in your family culture you were encouraged to think of these things as scarce/luxury goods rather than human rights. Do you think its selfish or greedy for a person to have emotional needs? Does someone voicing an emotional need seem like a problem for you—or are you trested as a prywhen you voice an emotional need?

Does a baby not need to be hugged, loved feel secure? Are those just “wants” which can be withheld in favor of “needs” like food? If you study human development and learn about trauma you will quickly discover there is no real objective division between emotional and psychological needs and “real” needs like food snd shelter. An unsafe meal can not be safely digested—an unsafe living situation can create fear, depression, suicidal thoughts.

I think maybe you need to expand the question. Not just ‘What do you need?’ but ‘What do you need for….’

What do you need for survival?
What do you need to be healthy?
What do you need to function in society?
What do you need to flourish in your life?
What do you need for a healthy relationship?

And so on.

They are not 'emotional luxuries' they are emotional needs.

What was your own upbringing like, were your emotional needs met?

Online communities absolutely do not replace real life ones, that is one of the reasons for the very high levels of loneliness amongst young people.

You wouldn't have to go long without food or shelter to think they weren't thst important.

Of course, but actually love is just as important.

Sort of borne out by the study of the baby monkeys and the wire mother/ cloth mother experiment. It's been years since I read it, can't think of the name of the researcher sorry, but it did inform Bowlby's work on mother and child relationships.

I specifically said in my OP how important love is.

I do wonder if I file a lot of the details of emotional needs under a broader heading of "love"?

Maybe this is more a matter of semantics. The bit I'm not understanding is how they all break down into things other than love, maybe. But I dunno maybe I just don't understand.

No, I absolutely don't think anyone is selfish or greedy for having emotional needs.

Being part of a community - not a literal one necessarily, but one you have made out of groups of friends, colleagues, acquaintances, family, partner

Humans are social creatures and we need a wide range of social connections and a feeling that we are part of a bigger society

To be loved and valued and thought about by those we are closest to

To be respected / liked / appreciated by those further out connections

To feel that we contribute - though work, and by adding value to other people’s lives

What was your own upbringing like, were your emotional needs met?

I don't honestly know.

I think unfortunately not, but I am having trouble identifying which ones weren't and frustrating myself.

I grew up with huge amounts of love from my Foster Mum, and lots of love from my Birth Mum I saw every fortnight for a visit. I loved them both loads.

So to me "love" includes things like being encouraged in my interests, lots of praise for my talents, encouraged to have goals and dreams, as well as a lot of affection, and all physical needs well taken care of by Foster Mum.

I think, but not sure, the emotional need I didn't get met was "security" because Foster Mum was very ill for all my childhood so I worried about her dying?

But I wasn't consciously worrying on a daily basis. I was just an overall anxious kid anyway, so who knows. Maybe I'd have been like that regardless!

Needs are a necessity in life. Wants are a desired outcome in life.

It sounds like you might need more investigation/support than you will find here to help you understand this more.

It can be hard to unpick this stuff, counsellors can help.

I think, but not sure, the emotional need I didn't get met was "security" because Foster Mum was very ill for all my childhood so I worried about her dying? It would be understandable to be anxious after being placed with a foster mum, especially if they were then unwell.

It's just a discussion, because I'm interesting in unravelling the language of wants and needs, and distinguishing between the two. How it breaks down from a simple over arching umbrella term of "love".

I do actually have a therapist. Rest assured I'm not asking for anyone to give counselling to me here @calmcoco

I thought it was an interesting topic of discussion as I think sometimes the differences between wants and needs can be quite subtle.

I think we have increasingly high expectations about what our emotional state should be at all times, and how fulfilled, content, etc we should feel. Either that or we have a real issue with mismatch between our expectations of life and the likelihood of them happening.

We expect everything, fast, continuously, easily. Then if we feel sad/ disappointed/anxious because we aren't getting everywhere or achieving everything we think our mental health is an issue, rather than concluding that either:

• our expectations were not reasonable And/or

• society is not functioning effectively to allow most people to achieve reasonable expectations

I think a lot of stuff is "wants" though. If ive got my physical needs met & my family and i are safe and well, i can find joy, pleasure amd fulfillment in lots of simple, abundant, free things.

Is this thread a want or a need? If it is merely a want the OP can survive without it. If it is a need then the discussion, however abstract, is of more importance to her survival. But Somewhere between want and need there is another category: desired/longed for/important. Those are things that will help us thrive, not just survive.

Everyone is different. There is no right ir wrong way to be in the world. One woman’s simple pleasure is another one’s unheard of luxury. Another one’s loss is unnoticeable or petty.

I try to accept whatever comes gracefully and compassionately. I try to do my job and care for those I need to care for. I try to cut my coat to suit my cloth. All my basic needs are met thanks to wealth, privilege and good fortune with parents, spouse, children. My wants are also straightforward and easily met without jeopardizing my security. Thats not because I’m better than anyone else. Just the luck of the situation.

Sometimes because of violence, deprivation, scarcity or trauma during formative periods people struggle to get basic needs met and then struggle to figure out how to get important wants met. Is a happy homelife or a good husband a need or a want? The semantic argument is beside the point because for some people the desire for something is so string that they are willing to sacrifice basic safety to get it. People routinely sacrifice shelter, food, money, social respect to get a desire for love/sex/social status met.

My point here is that needs nd wants are better understood when we look at each person’s hierarchy of commitment to their pursuit—their internal psychological economy.

It's good you have some support. Good luck unraveling it all.

My view is I don't think 'love' covers any emotional needs other than 'love' itself.

Many parents are completely incapable of providing for a child's emotional needs, despite loving them very much.