Genuine reasons for break up or is he fobbing me off

[jennyeng]

Just looking for some objectivity so will outlay the facts and try not to drip feed.
Met a man.. early 50's , two months ago.
Got on incredibly well, plenty f chemistry and enjoyed the dates and time together.
I knew from the beginning, we literally met the weekend he finished with his ex of 18 months.

It was never a plan to engage in anew relationship on either part but just kind of developed.

His ex is devastated. Threatening self harm, involving his family and friends and also being quite verbally abusive.
Before I continue this is all facts that I've observed so not just his words.

He finished for many reasons but one of them was that she lied about her home ownership and debt.
She doesn't own her home. In fact a bank does and she has hundreds of thousands of pounds of debt. She had also gradually moved most of her stuff into his home and his kids gradually started to refuse to spend time there when she was there. She believed they were moving in together but there was no discussion. The bank is about to repossess her home.

There were other reasons too.
When they broke up he discovered he had a sexually transmitted infection. His previous sexual partner was six years ago so the nurse felt pretty sure that she gave it to him. She did cheat in the relationship and had a habit of sexting others .

In the midst of this, a close family member had an acute psychiatric episode and he was heavily involved in that.

He is also in the middle of a court battle with his ex w as she is refusing to sell family home as ordered by court . In the meantime he is over a barrel with a rental from a family member . More drama.

He is stressed and distracted . His work is suffering.
He told me he just cannot bring me into this mess at the moment and needs a few months to sort stuff out when hopefully things will settle.
He has suggested we keep in contact .
I'm not gutted because it's all too much for me tbh but I think we have potential in the future .
He is a kind and caring man with massive feelings of guilt over his ex and his children.
Genuine or fobbing me off?

Who cares which it is...

You should walk away from this. Messy is an understatement

It sounds genuine enough. But if someone is 'fobbing off' then that of itself is a 'genuine' reason for breakup.

Probably genuine. If he has all that going on I should think a relationship would be the last thing needed for both of you.

I agree.
Would you remain in touch?

If he’s decided it’s not a good time to start a new relationship, he’s right.

This is a mess you don’t need to get involved in. Don’t stay in touch, put it behind you and move on.

I think it sounds like it could be genuine (although of course impossible to be sure). No harm in staying in touch but definitely don't 'wait for him' so you should date other men if you want to.

I agree with him. Things are messy at the moment. If you and he are still single in a year, you could try again then

(by the way, very few people own their own homes outright. We have a mortgage so owe the bank a couple of hundred thousand. Is this what you mean? Or does she have thousands of pounds worth of debt on top of her mortgage? Not that it's relevant to the issue, I'm just wondering!!)

No. I’d probably agree to get back in contact in 3-6 months and see where things are then. I wouldn’t maintain constant contact outside that because I think it would leave you in a sort of in a relationship sort of not place.

Tale the break. Life your life as normal
without him. See where you both are in 6 months. In the meantime you might find someone much less complicated

House was sold to a vulture fund.

OP,

This is a mess. He is still enmeshed with both his ex and his ex wife. You absolutely don’t need this.

He may or may not be sincere about wanting to stay in touch. Only time will tell. Ironically, if you want something to happen probably your best chance is if he sees you happily moving forward with your own life and definitely not waiting for him. But I hope that in doing that you will find that his attraction has diminished.

Run like the wind!

I don't what a vulture fund is but anyway.

No one needs a reason to break up, the fact that the person wishes to end the relationship is enough.

What's a culture fund? Sounds ominous..

Sorry typo ... What's a vulture fund?

It's a weak debt bought up by a private capital fund eg if a person defaults in their repayments consistently .

Yes, back away for now. Maybe stay in touch on and off, as friends. If i were in his position I couldn't face a relationship on top of sorting out all this mess. He sounds genuine. But he also sounds like he goes for chaotic, high drama relationships. Is that what you want?

You are far too involved and invested. You've known him 5 mins and yet you seem obsessed by his ex.

Obsessed by his ex????
I was laying out facts for context when asking for opinions on this?

The last thing I want is high drama. I find the whole thing exhausting.

I'd say better to take a break from all this, and agree to touch base in early 2024, to se how you both feel then

Bloody hell, he's got drama from both his ex and previous ex. Forget whether he's genuine or fobbing you off - run a mile and leave him to sort that out!

I see! Thanks

I couldn't be doing with this at all. I feel for him if what he is saying is true, but I wouldn't want to get involved in that drama. Also, I'm very suspicious of the fact that he met you within minutes of separating from the other woman.

I totally understand your suspicion but it is true and an absolute coincidence.