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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want more family time but all we do is argue about it

20 replies

x19sarah89x · 22/07/2023 14:21

My DH and I both work Mon-Fri with my 2 kids (2+4) at nursery. We both only have a weekend off together and also with the kids.
If we had a special event on at the weekend (rarely), this wouldn't happen but any other saturday my DH will leave at 7am to golf and will not get home until between 1 and 2pm.
I play netball on a Monday and Thursday evening after 7pm and go to the gym at 6am before the kids get up 3 days a week before work. DH doesn't do anything else outside of saturday golf but has opportunities to do so.
I feel like, with the kids being so small and the weekend being our only days off together I want to do more as a family and have days out/experiences before the time is gone. We fight about how this is his only outlet and he needs it but I offered him to do every 2nd weekend and he just gets angry feeling like I am taking golf away from him
He doesn't understand that it's not the fact I don't want him to golf but I want to spend the time as a family together instead
AIBU about this? He likes squash and otuer sports which I would fully support on weekday evenings but he doesn't want to compromise and only wants to play his golf.

OP posts:
YomAsalYomBasal · 22/07/2023 14:23

Forcing someone to want family time rarely works.
It sounds like you have Sundays together?

Tulpenkavalier · 22/07/2023 14:24

I get the impression that you both get equal time for your respective sports, and there are still 1.5 days of family time left after he returns from golf, so I think you are a little unreasonable

millsiem · 22/07/2023 14:25

You get to play netball twice a week, why can't he play golf?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 22/07/2023 14:30

YABU. Not everyone wants to do activities after work or early in the morning. I certainly don't! I haye getting up early and Im knackered after work. I wouldn't enjoy it. It's your choice to gym/netball at the times you do.

Also, you can't pick what activities someone does with their free time. Imagine if he said "I'd rather spend time with you in the evenings, so instead of netball can you play football on a Sunday afternoon instead. Its sort of similar". Doubt it'd go down well!

Original poster
x19sarah89x · 22/07/2023 14:40

Thanks for these replies. He works in education so I should have said in a normal week I would be ok with this. I think why I feel so resentful at the moment is that he is currently on 7 week summer holidays so has 3 days to himself whilst the kids are at nursery. For the past few weeks he has been golfing 3-4 times a week and I wanted him to be able to use the Saturday more freely as he is playing during the week. I guess that should have been my initial question instead

OP posts:
overwork · 22/07/2023 15:09

Ah. That's a bit different then I think - during the school holidays when he has other opportunities to play through the week could he not play on Saturdays, and then go back to his normal schedule in term time?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2023 16:14

x19sarah89x · 22/07/2023 14:40

Thanks for these replies. He works in education so I should have said in a normal week I would be ok with this. I think why I feel so resentful at the moment is that he is currently on 7 week summer holidays so has 3 days to himself whilst the kids are at nursery. For the past few weeks he has been golfing 3-4 times a week and I wanted him to be able to use the Saturday more freely as he is playing during the week. I guess that should have been my initial question instead

I don’t think that’s how it works. He’s either playing in a league or with a regular group. If it’s a league then he can’t just switch that around. If it’s a regular group then there is a little more flexibility but not much in practical terms.

If he’s been doing this for years then you are unreasonable to think he should change it. You don’t have any less family time than you do during the school year.

You sound a bit resentful that he currently has more time off than you do.

Nortam · 22/07/2023 16:20

Can't you just have Sundays as family days?

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2023 16:26

x19sarah89x · 22/07/2023 14:40

Thanks for these replies. He works in education so I should have said in a normal week I would be ok with this. I think why I feel so resentful at the moment is that he is currently on 7 week summer holidays so has 3 days to himself whilst the kids are at nursery. For the past few weeks he has been golfing 3-4 times a week and I wanted him to be able to use the Saturday more freely as he is playing during the week. I guess that should have been my initial question instead

With this drip feed YANBU.

There is no reason he can’t have all of his outlet with all that time off over summer.

Hufflepods · 22/07/2023 16:32

The things you do probably total more hours per week than he is asking for. It’s not like he can play golf in the evenings or at 6am.
YABU 1pm on a Saturday still leaves you with most of the weekend together and it’s not like you don’t get to anything for yourself too.

renthead · 22/07/2023 16:41

For the summer, he can definitely bin off the Saturday morning golf round most weeks. You're not unreasonable at all. During the school year I think it's reasonable for him to play.

bibbityboppityboo · 22/07/2023 16:46

You've still got half of Saturday and Sunday to have family time?

Sounds like you have a lot of personal time during the week which sounds like it equals at least his golfing time?

In summer holidays if he's a member at a club it's harder just to sack off the Saturdays, that's normally competition days so even if he can get a few holes in during the week Saturday is still the main day.

oviraptor21 · 22/07/2023 16:52

Agree with most of PP despite your update.
The Saturday morning golf will likely be a regular session that can't be rearranged to suit your DP.
And working as a teacher usually entails extra work in the evenings marking etc. He's entitled to enjoy his holiday time off.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 17:18

You still have 3/4 of the weekend for "family time."

Sceptre86 · 22/07/2023 17:33

I really don't see the issue. The day doesn't end in the afternoon. If he gets in at 1 or 2pm you can still make a softplay session at 3pm or go to the park, go shopping together, go out for a late lunch, go out for dinner. What is it that you want to do that requires you to spend the whole day together? Assuming ypu have Sundays together to have breakfast together or whatever else?

ForbiddenColour · 22/07/2023 17:37

For most golf clubs Saturday is the main weekly competition (for men anyway), and most of the big competitions are over the summer - I can understand why he doesn’t want to give up Saturday golf. You have Sunday and Sat afternoon.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/07/2023 17:41

As others have said you can do family days out on a Sunday. If you’re annoyed about having to spend Saturday mornings alone with the kids I’d suggest taking yourself off somewhere nice the second he gets in from golf. Then it’s his turn with the kids.

luckylavender · 22/07/2023 17:41

I think you're being unreasonable. You have loads more time than him.

ltappleby · 22/07/2023 17:42

I play golf. Club competitions tend to be held at the weekends so it’s probably not just social golf on Saturdays.
I think Saturday afternoon and Sunday are enough time together really.

QforCucumber · 22/07/2023 17:42

Still think YABU, from next year when your oldest is in school he will likely have to knock the midweek holidays on the head as he will have a child to care for out of school time, I too would make the most of the time now while he can.

we too both work ft and usually do something separate each weekend (today dh is at the races, next Saturday I’m out for a hen) it’s just what happens and there’s still Sundays where we get up and out by 9am to the park or the beach and spend the whole day together

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