How can I enjoy my children?

[ann3111]

I feel time is slipping by. If I’m not stressed about work then it’s about the housework. If it’s not housework then it’s my relationship (or lack of) with husband. I feel lonely and don’t have many real friends, just people I occasionally see to go park etc. my question is how can I not let all that depress me and how can I begin to enjoy the time with just the kids and me? My kids are 8 and 4. Please give me ideas on what I can do today and tomorrow to life this awful mood, DH is skyways out of the picture, no idea if he will return home today or even spend the day tomorrow with us. Do ideas that involve us as a 3.

What do the three of you enjoy?

Sorry you’re feeling so low 💐

How about asking them what they’d like to do? I’ve got a 4 year old and when I ask her for things she wants to do I’m regularly surprised.

Kids aside, what makes you feel content and fulfilled? Being outside? Cooking? Road trip? Picnic and outing somewhere new or already loved?

They wanted to go park today which we did but it was tears and tantrums from 4 year old when it was time to leave. I did all the things you’re supposed to: gave them enough notice thst in 30 minus we will leave and countdown each 10 mins. I explained we will now go library but didn’t work, I kept my cool. After lunch they went on bikes and this time 8 year old had a tantrum as my 4 year old was going faster than her and she wanted to be the leader. She was screaming loudly and shouting. It was really embarrassing as we moved here 4 months ago and still getting to know neighbours. I brought them back,

thryrr sitting in living room watching tv whilst I’m sat in kitchen writing this and crying as I feel a failure. I wish I had made different life choices and was anywhere except here right now

Tonight - if it’s not something you usually do, choose a film to watch together and let them eat dinner in the front of the TV. My similar age kids think this is a massive treat and we all get cuddled up together.

Tomorrow - if it was me I’d be packing up for a day at the beach because those are always brilliant family days for us. But this might be totally impractical for you because you might be nowhere near the coast. So per the previous - what do you enjoy, where do you feel closest with your kids? For me it’s definitely getting out of the house because I can ignore the housework. So adventure playground or climb a hill or go to a trampoline park and be a big kid or go to the library and choose books together or.. it will be so personal to you and your family, what will make you feel most peaceful and connected.

Sorry OP cross posted. I’d still go in and cuddle up with them and just make the easiest evening meal possible.

If a good time at the park ended in a tantrum
about leaving I’d still frame it as a good time - they enjoyed most of it right? It sounds like the kids might be a bit on edge - have your holidays just started? They might be worn out from term?

I honestly think you will enjoy time with your kids more if you yourself are happier. Invest some time in yourself, you may get less time overall with them but it will be quality time rather than you always stressing about something else.

Yes holidays started today.

So I always think the first week is likely to have big ups and downs. They’re just really tired.

But also, what businessflake said. If you’re stressed about work, housework and your relationship, of course you’re going to feel unhappy, and of course that will affect how you feel about parenting.

Do you want to talk more about those sides of things? Your relationship especially seems like a big one.

@goodkidsmaadhouse thank you. I’m unhappy as I don’t have close relationships. It’s not just husband it’s everyone in my life. There’s 2 neighbours here with kids similar ages and I’ve reached out to them and they’ve kind of ignored me! I know people are busy but I’ve stopped now as I don’t want to seem pestering. I invited one to the house and our kids got on so lovely it was so nice but since then I’ve heard nothing back. I sent her 2 WhatsApp messages over course of 2 months and she’s read them but not responded. DH just doesn’t communicate with me. I have no idea what time he will be home today. He never makes plans with me and plans we do make he pretends he didn’t know and if I show evidence of message I sent and he replied he pretends he told me verbally he can’t after, I don’t think divorcing is the s deer I think fundamentally its me.

I’m sorry… the neighbours sound really rude. I do hear that quite a lot on here - people just ignoring others. It’s horrible.

As for your husband - I really don’t think the problem is you. Lack of communication like that is awful, not making plans with you is awful. Is that really a relationship you want to be in…

Find somewhere nice to go tomorrow, woods, or somewhere you can take a ball.
Tell them you are going on a picnic.
Make some flapjack/cupcakes with them if you can face it. Something easy they can help with tonight. One for pudding and some for picnic.
Pack up sandwiches/crisps/cake and juice. Go to woods and build a den, sit in den and eat picnic. Stick a small teddy bear in pocket to join on picnic, sing the song!
Run about woods looking for the Gruffalo, Winnie the pooh, the Wild Things, book character of choice.
Have a lovely time with no pressure.

Tell DH he is an arse and should be able to extend basic courtesy.

You sound so fed up, op. I really do think the person you texted was just rude. I’d never ignore someone like that. And your husband is making this out to be your problem rather than his crappy behaviour. What sort of man never makes family plans? Once you’re feeling stronger I’d definitely reevaluate what it is he’s bringing to your family and if your feelings are brought on by how unhappy he’s making you.
But back to tomorrow with your girls. I don’t know what your budget is or what the weather is like by you. But you can have a cheap day if you pack a picnic, plenty of drinks and just get out. A lake to walk round, woods to explore. Don’t be held by time constraints. If it’s indoor activities, how about baking (baking kits are fine, the kids won’t care!) making ice cream is super easy and feels like a treat with homemade pizzas for tea (use a plain naan for a base if you can’t be bothered making dough)
you might find if the kids have something exciting to come home to, they might not get as upset about leaving somewhere. But don’t feel like the day was a failure if they do! A few tears when it’s time to leave just means they’ve had a great day with you!

Make a sticker chart and tell them they can have one sticker for doing a chore. Give them cloths, a mop and the hoover and whoever does the best job gets to stay up later.

Things I did with my children when they were younger, admittedly it will depend on finances and where you live, whether you drive etc.

Day at the beach, check tide times and go when the tide is out and explore rock pools.
Buy cheap fishing nets and let them fish in a shallow stream. if you have a tent camp out overnight in the garden. Walk in the countryside or a walk in your area and give them a quiz to do to make the walk more interesting. With younger children who can't read use pictures. Or go for a walk and collect leaves, sticks etc and let them make a picture with them when they get home. Let them build a den under the dining table using blankets, sheets etc.

Was going to say the same....if you feel stressed/depressed even the slightest difficulties will feel like a huge challenge and a problem, and the kids will undoubtedly be picking up on your (understandably) tense mood and replicating it themselves.They are also probably picking up on the discord of you and your partners relationship (which could be quite worrying for them, especially if it is their dad)
So would recommend working on those things first, and then your kids happiness will develop from yours.xx

Thank you everyone. Lovely suggestions x

Sorry things are tough at the moment OP. I’ve been thrown into looking after 3 pre schoolers FT at the moment (childcare issues) and these are a few things my DC have loved:

• Beach day (being organsied with snacks, packed lunch, beach toys, spare clothes etc to reduce stress)
• making dens and forts
• taking bikes to the park
• movie nights with microwave popcorn

Husband sounds like a dick, I'd get rid of him and you'd probably find you're happier ultimately.

do you have a softplay near you? i would release them in there

I think please go a referral via your gp to your local iapt and ask for counselling

Only then can you work out what's you what's DH etc but anyone would be depressed with a DH that treats them like that! Sorry he's seemed to make you feel like you deserve it.

Your kids will be at their happiest and best behaved too when they have happy parents so please invest time in your mental health xxx

Maybe think of it as something for them / something for you
Eg, swimming in the morning (they like?) Reward for you after... is cake at cafe?🍷 in a beer garden? Mooch round the shopping centre? (You like?)

What about some short term therapy? CBT or counseling? Might really help you with relationships and this rut. Ask your GP?

I sympathise. With my kids I always went to a National Trust property for an easy day out if I was struggling or on my own. Costs a membership and ice creams/tea when you get there. Library and park trips are OK but then you have to think of something else after an hour.

Other easy days out were IKEA and local country parks.

Little things can go a long way towards building a strong relationship but when you're stressed and down, it's difficult to remember to do them.

My 5yo likes special breakfasts during the weekend/on holiday days. So now and then we make waffles or pancakes in funny shapes or I bake some ready-made pastries in the oven and the nice smell cheers us all up. I also like taking DC to the nearby bakery to choose a cake or they choose some flowers for the house.

I have bought DC1 their own non-spill travel mug and so we'll take a picnic blanket to the park and collect a hot chocolate for them and a coffee for me on the way. We take a pencil case and some puzzles and sit and do some puzzles together while the baby plays or gets in the way.

DC1 has a child's camera and loves taking photos of DC2. We print the best ones out at home and stick them on the kitchen window.

Take the time to build lego/duplo towers with them and see who can build the tallest one. Or whatever it is they like doing. Give them piggybacks and tickle them if they like it. I think it's easy to forget how important physical contact is to children when they're no longer tiny and wanting cuddles/picked up the whole time.

I'm sorry your relationship is so unrewarding. It is so much easier to take joy in parenting if you're doing it as part of a committed team rather than with someone who has checked out. It is so wearing to be responsible for making all of the magic all of the time.

I have an 8 and 4 year old and DH is working. The next few weeks we plan to go to the climbing centre, soft play (8year old will still have fun but pretends not to), bowling, painting at home, movies at home making the popcorn first which they love to see it pop in the pan, baking, garden games, shopping spree with an afternoon tea (somewhere they don't mind my rowdy 4 year old), elemental at the cinema, board games, bike ride, buying a ton at Baker Ross and making bits and pieces with them, swimming.

If I'm ambitious I might get them making a Lego film or something but that will likely end up in arguments!