DH being difficult about changing work hours

[Apollos]

DH and I have two children, DD is 3, DS is 5, but both have birthdays in the next few weeks so DD will start Reception after summer. Until now I have worked 25 hours over 3 days, 2 days in office, 1 at home. With DD going into fulltime school I will be doing 37 hours, 2 days from home.
DH has been working 8.30-5.30, Monday-Thursday, 8.30-3 Friday, working from home Monday and Friday. He only has to work 40 hours, so he has room to cut, his manager has reiterated this at his review just last month.

The current plan for the kids is

• Monday, Breakfast and Afterschool club 8-6 (DH can drop them off and be home to start at 8.30, pick them up when he finishes, I'll work 8.30-5.30 in Office)
• Tuesday, Breakfast club, no after school club, but they will have Ballet and Karate. (I'll do drop off, work from home and finish at 2.30 so can pick them up) to get them both to/from clubs in the evening though, I need DH to finish at 4, so an hour and a half earlier than he currently does.
• Wednesday, Breakfast and afterschool club, DH and I are both in the office on this day so one of us will have to do 8-5, the other 9-6, so someone can do drop off and pick ups. My work social drinks are normally a Wednesday so I said I'd do, 9-6, he would do 8-5 (though ideally earlier increase of tube/train delays, we are 35/40 min from the kids school)
• Thursday, similar to Tuesday, I'd work from home 8.30-2.30, DH could do his normal 8.30-5.30, his work social drinks are usually this night so I wouldn't expect him home before 9/10 most weeks. The kids have swimming lessons but I can do that alone as they are at the same time/place. The kids would just do breakfast club.
• Friday, Just breakfast club again, DH can drop them off like Monday, they finish at 3.15 anyway, so he nigh have to ask to move his finish time on Friday to 2.45 but most Fridays he is done before then anyway.

The issue is, DH has ADHD, he does well at managing this but is worried that with his schedule being less regular, everyday being difficult he would struggle to manage his time, not get all his work done or forget he was meant to be finishing early etc.
The partial solution is to try move one of the Tuesday clubs to a different day/time so I can do the evening alone, but on Wednesday he will either need to start early or finish late, there isn't another solution. We don't have friends with kids at the same school or family nearby. I could shuffle my hours, work 8-6 some days etc. so I could do 9-4 but really I'd like to be able to attend our social drinks, I haven't in 6 years and I miss it (plus DH gets to go to his). I've left his nights alone with the kids ballet/karate/swimming free as I know that would stress him out, so I am trying to consider his needs. This is also the first time since DS was a baby that we will both be in office on the same day, since DD was born/covid/more WFH, there has almost always been someone at home so I know it will take some adjusting.

AIBU asking DH to suck it up for a few years until the kids are bigger? I know its not ideal to have a different schedule everyday, but needs must?
Or should I give up work socials, work a couple of very long days etc. so his schedule can remain as close to what it is now as possible?

Well of course he needs to change so you can both work ft. But I can see with the ADHD it may take some time for him to get used to different timings on different days of the week. is there anything that would help like he puts a sign up in his office or something, or an alarm on his phone for the days he needs to finish earlier?

I'd maybe focus less on the suck it up buttercup versus personal martyrdom and more on how can he make the process work for him so he can best support his family and allow you both equal free time. Maybe try it for 6 months and then review after that.

Good luck with it all.

Will your dd not be knackered going from breakfast club to a full school day and then to either after school club or ballet/karate?

Accept that it will be tricky for him and help him to work on coping strategies.

Those long days and unequal socials will be so hard.

If the issue is to have as regular a working day for him as possible, can he permanently switch his hours to 8-5?

This affects your Monday and Friday in the office as you’d (presumably) need to do school drop off instead. But you could work 9-6, like Wednesdays. He’s doing pick up both days anyway.

He’d be starting earlier on a Tuesday so only missing an hour in the afternoon (finishing at 4).

We will play it by ear, but she was doing nursery 8-3 on Wednesdays then Baby Ballet 4-5 for the last year and was fine, also made for easier bedtimes as she'd get home, eat dinner and be so tired she'd drop. If it seems like too much we will change it, but DS managed similar at 4 so I'm sure she will be fine.

That’s a long day for your wee one :(

It sounds exhausting for the children, DS was in breakfast and after school club most days but it was the same routine which I think helped. Its good DH recognises the effects of his ADHD and you can discuss it now and try and figure out what will work. I am also diagnosed and find a hard copy calendar mixed with alarms on my phone and appointments in my outlook calendar work well.

School is generally more tiring that nursery especially when they first start. No judgement here as we used breakfast and after school clubs, but do be prepared for a very exhausted child.

Oh actually this might work!! So annoying when there is an obvious answer and I've totally missed it!!

Definitely be a see how it goes thing, If it were up to DH they would do 8-6 Mon-Thur, less on Friday, but I think the clubs with non-school friends are important too. We also try to leave Saturdays empty, and they do a little tennis coaching on Sunday mornings already (lets DH and I play tennis while the kids spend an hour having some fun and learning).

The days sound far too late for the children in particular your daughter.

On a practical level, can you ensure he blocks out his diary on those days he needs to leave earlier than normal so he gets a reminder and doesn’t book meetings for those times. I have been know to send my DH a meeting request in Teams to ensure his diary is blocked out if we need to change the usual pick-up routine. Sounds excessive, but it works!

I always put my leaving times in my work calendar - meant that people could see what time I could be in meetings till, and reminded me to get out and get home.

Happy to be of (annoying!) service

It also makes your days in the office more standard too, so less to remember all round.