Is this manipulation?

[Throwaway122333]

Namechanged to not be outing but I’m a regular poster! I’ll keep this as brief as poss but I’m struggling to work out if this is legitimate or if it’s a manipulation tactic from my other half.

We had our first dc within the last year. You know how it goes - all of the ‘mental load’ is falling to me as well as the lions share of housework, childcare etc and I’m ebf which takes a toll.

Over the last couple of months I’ve tried to explain the mental load thing to him and how I don’t want to be constantly reminding him to do stuff, taking care of things for his family (I am the default person they contact as they know he won’t reply to them), having to ask more than once for help etc. It’s not sinking in and surprise surprise I’m now a ‘nag’.

I get that it’s not nice to be got at, and I probably don’t always phrase things very well out of frustration but I’m also at the e end of my tether and barely sleep (ds is a rubbish sleeper!) - in our last discussion he has come back to me saying that my ‘nagging’ (asking him to pull his weight) makes him doubt that I love him. AIBU to feel really hurt by that and to think it’s a deflection tactic so that we don’t deal with the real issue? Whilst we are struggling to find the balance post-baby I felt at the core we had a solid relationship and it’s like he’s said this to make me watch how I talk it to question if I pull him up on something just in case it jeopardises our relationship? Or am I invalidating his feelings by being hurt by this?

He keeps saying he feels browbeaten but I feel like he’s playing the victim to avoid responsibility.

As a practical start explain to his family that in the circs your husband will be dealing with them, you're sure they'll understand and please contact him then block their numbers. Is there any vital consequence to you stopping enabling this?

He has apparently spoken to them about this but I think as you say, I need to tell them myself as he’s either lying or their not listening to him. It’s also things like having to remember all their birthdays and buy presents etc (he has no involvement in this for my very large family!)

If he won't take responsibility for the mental load and caring for dc then you stop doing anything for him. He can be responsible for him at least. No laundry. No cooking. He can become self sufficient while you decide if this is the life you want.

It’s also things like having to remember all their birthdays and buy presents etc (he has no involvement in this for my very large family!)
This is totally your choice to take on, it’s not necessary.
What do you think happened before he met you?

You dont have to buy any birthday presents though, what's going to happen if they aren't bought? Is your husband going to be blaming you to his relatives? If they also think it's your responsibility then you're better off nor having anything to do with them anyway

Stop dealing with it. The consequences are on him. If he doesn’t buy presents, they don’t get gifts. My DP wouldn’t expect me to remember or buy for his family (I obviously do remember and care) and I wouldn’t expect him to buy for mine. We do check in with each other (“what did you get your Dad for his birthday?” Etc) but honestly if his family get annoyed just push back. “Gosh that’s awful of DH not to get you anything. You should have this chat with him so he understands how upset you are with him”.

Impossible to say OP, it's quite possible that you are nagging him. Who knows.

Not taking the bins out when you say so, then "reminding" him ten times might be nagging, get a job, not so much.

It’s also things like having to remember all their birthdays and buy presents etc (he has no involvement in this for my very large family!)

You don’t have to do this though. Stop choosing to do it and then complaining about it. It’s his family, super weird for you to buy all their presents. I don’t have anything to do with buying my husband’s family gifts other than maybe both chatting about an idea for something special.

It is very much NOT nagging when all the OP is trying to do is get her lazy arse of a DP to take some responsibility and actually do his fair share without her having to remind him umpteen times.

Impossible to say because we're not there to hear how often you do it, the words you use, tone of voice and facial expression.
Theres a world of difference between an assertive conversation using 'I' language and setting out your needs, and being open to hearing the other person's perspective; and the adoption of some sort of boss of the relationship role, where you list a person's failings and your instructions to put them right.
The former should not be objected to. The latter would make most people feel disrespected and unloved.

I think I would be implementing a task sheet. You have your responsibilities (which include primary care of the baby, getting up in the night etc, not just practical tasks), and he has his. If he doesn't do them you don't say anything, they just don't get done. He can't pin nagging on you, and might realise quite quickly just what happens when you stop doing everything.

How loved do you feel by him when he leaves everything for you to do OP?

Thanks for your responses - totally appreciate you’re not there to see it so hard to comment. I would say it’s 50/50 between consciously trying to ask in a way that is fair and respectful but the rest of the time degenerates into nagging and getting very frustrated and then not being so kind (never insulting, just short and frustrated!)

I have done a chore/responsibilities chart last week (even this is taking on the work of delegating but hey ho) - and he followed it for one day.

Regarding his parents I feel it reflects badly on us both if they don’t receive gifts for birthdays etc , or if we never arrange to see his family or whatever else as they have done a lot for us but you’re right I should just stop.

Also to clarify, in job is managerial, he is perfectly capable of managing his time/responsibilities, he just chooses not to.

Honestly I don’t question love, love and household management are separate in my mind. How much I love him has nothing to do with it to me but he has conflated the two. I don’t think he does it on purpose, just ignorant and needs to learn that when you have a baby you don’t get to just switch off, so I don’t think it’s about how much he loves me!

And when you say “you being a lazy prick and leaving me to do everting doesn’t make me feel loved”, what does he say? As surely that is the only acceptable response to him saying that.

Thing is that a don’t say stuff like that - I just feel like a broken record constantly reminding him to do stuff! I never call him names or whatever!

Like I said above - how much I love him has nothing to do with the ‘nagging’ as I don’t think his laziness or failure to see what needs doing is a reflection of how much he loves me. But I feel like he’s said this to be intentionally hurtful and deflect from the real issue at hand.

I hate the term nagging. So misogynistic. I would be very clear to him that his refusal to step up and work in partnership with parenting and house stuff makes you feel that he doesn't care about your health and wellbeing.

Nagging is imo a phrase used by dc against dps... He has filed you in the dm section of his life. The section that ensures everything gets done while he continues to be a man child...
And therefore you are sadly am enabler of this continues.. Or send him packing to his real dm. She can deal with him for the foreseeable...

Regarding his parents I feel it reflects badly on us both if they don’t receive gifts for birthdays etc , or if we never arrange to see his family or whatever else as they have done a lot for us but you’re right I should just stop.

You should absolutely just stop. Tell him you're going to stop, and that now on you'll be dealing with your family's birthdays etc and he can deal with his because it's simply not fair that you're doing everything. If his family complain to you, explain in the politest possible way that they need to speak to your DH because he is supposed to deal with these things himself.

What did he do about family stuff before he met you? Presumably he either dealt with it himself, or his family got used to not hearing from him, in which case they'll be well aware of what he's like and used to it.

He is being manipulative by saying he 'doesn't feel loved' when you ask him to do things. Personally, I wouldn't feel loved by someone who didn't want to share the basic effort of running a home and family with me. You wouldn't need to 'nag' if he JUST FUCKING DID SOME BASIC STUFF that ANY ADULT SHOULD BE DOING.

I don’t think he does it on purpose, just ignorant and needs to learn that when you have a baby you don’t get to just switch off

But he already knows that, because you've explained that to him, and his reaction was to call you a nag. He isn't just ignorant at all. He is lazy and selfish.

People don't ever not realise they're not pulling their weight, paying their way or just being generally selfish in a relationship. They know. They just don't care, or try to DARVO when they're challenged, rightly so on their behaviour.

You're not nagging OP. He's trying to deflect from his lack of effort by calling you a nag so you'll stop and let him carry on his selfish lazy arseholr behaviour in peace like a good little wife from the 1950s.

Except its not. Remind him that if you get sick of his behaviour he'll end up 100% responsible for his child/self 50% of the time.

Or, you know, he could just take the fucking bins out like an adult, if that's one of the chores he is meant to be responsible for.

except, over time, your love will diminish as your patience wears thin. If he never steps up then he is showing you time and time again that while he may love you he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your time, your well-being, he doesn’t respect your partnership. And your love will dry up eventually. If he doesn’t see it like that or even try to understand then there is no respect for you.

Your DH will begin to respect you again when you get a backbone and stop doing his normal/ designated jobs for him.

Cross off jobs on the list when they are done, then he'll see everything you're doing and all his jobs that are not getting done. Let his dirty laundry and full bins pile up. etc...
Don't say anything. Just live your life like he's not there. And no, you don't love him when he treats you like a domestic servant. Don't pretend you do.

Get your power back before you get so frustrated you have to kick him out.