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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not give this relationship another go?

22 replies

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:00

In my early 20s I dated a guy in his mid twenties for 3 years. He ended it and I was devastated.
He did not leave me for another woman.
He later met his ex, whom I am convinced he moved in with out of convenience as he needed a place to live, as they were just fwb before him needing accommodation (I know this to be true).
In the meantime, I marry my now ex-husband.
She dumps him. Now after 25 years he wants to see me again.
We've spent a lot of time together and I like him and he is far nicer now but I'm convinced he's seeing me now as he's got nothing better going on. Though his liking of me seems genuinely strong.
He claims he had mental health issues at the time of the break up.
I will never forget a few years after we broke up seeing him in the local pub and him being as cold as ice to me and later outside laughing with his fwb and their group of friends.
I just went home and cried.
Obviously we're much older now but this still rankles me.
Aibu to just end it. I'm genuinely torn as I like him a lot but on the other hand, I don't seem able to forget.
I am not a bunny boiler and I successfully moved on with life (to the extent I didn't even know how many children he had) and yes it was a long time ago but I wanted to marry him.
I guess being involved with him again has brought it all back. As it would for anyone.

Dump or not? No kidding. I'm torn about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:05

I know I don't owe him a relationship, just after the opinions of neutral people.

OP posts:

lookingforMolly · 21/07/2023 09:06

I would dump

KoolAida · 21/07/2023 09:06

He's tangled in lots of memories and I can see why that resonates even now - but he's not The One Who Got Away, he's The One Who Wasn't Right For You. He may have changed - in which case, why does he need to trade on your feelings of long ago?

I'd give it a swerve, I really would. I don't think you can live out the past and give it a better happier ending. Why make things so complicated? You'll be dragging along all those old feelings into a new relationship...

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:07

lookingforMolly · 21/07/2023 09:06

I would dump

OK. Thanks for replying. Why though?

OP posts:

Hwory · 21/07/2023 09:08

No I don’t think it’s a good idea to re-start a relationship with someone that’s treated your poorly in the past.

AllAboardTootToot · 21/07/2023 09:08

Run a mile!

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:20

See I do want to end it but I'm thinking am I wrong?
Just want to be sure as I can be.
So if all those who thinking ending it is the right thing to do, please provide motivation to do so. Lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:21

Motivation as in reminding me why this is such a f*** up situation that is.

OP posts:

Taylorswiftly23 · 21/07/2023 09:26

He’s a guy who used a woman for somewhere to live.
Why would you even consider him as an option?

Americano75 · 21/07/2023 09:28

Oh, please don't. Don't give him the power to hurt you again.

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:29

Taylorswiftly23 · 21/07/2023 09:26

He’s a guy who used a woman for somewhere to live.
Why would you even consider him as an option?

Thanks that is of course reason enough even if I'd not known him before!

OP posts:

calmcoco · 21/07/2023 09:29

He sounds too messy.

Why are you even questioning your judgement? Trust yourself.

OrigamiOwls · 21/07/2023 09:30

What's his accommodation situation now? Are you sure he's not looking to cocklodge with you?

He's treated you poorly in the past, seemingly ignored and laughed at you. I wouldn't be looking to restart a relationship here.

PrrrplePineapple · 21/07/2023 09:32

You are not wrong. He hasn't changed. He is using you because he wants something and knows he can have you because he did before. You know this because you said it in your OP - he is seeing you because he has nothing better going on. Trust your instincts and DUMP HIM.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/07/2023 09:32

I would not go there.

Mental health reasons. Really??!! Has he said what he has done to improve his mental health.

If I were you, I’d be constantly on edge, so it would not be worth it to me to even try

KoolAida · 21/07/2023 09:33

This is what I meant about trading on the past. You're already more involved and entangled than you would be if you had just meet the bloke. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships when they're younger BUT a not a chance in hell would I risk my heart to someone who I can't see clearly because of the haze of memories.

yellowsmileyface · 21/07/2023 09:34

Americano75 · 21/07/2023 09:28

Oh, please don't. Don't give him the power to hurt you again.

This! I'm sorry to say I think your instinct is correct that he's interested now because he's got nothing better going on.

I understand the temptation to see where things go but it really sounds like he'd be using you and you'll just end up hurt again.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/07/2023 09:44

He is not the one who got away. He is the prick who ignored you in the pub. I honestly think you can't get those all times back when things were good. I wonder whether you can offer him financial security, somewhere to live etc now. I would move on and end the relationship.

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:48

Thanks guys. It's not to do with our relationship but the lady he met after me was only a fwb until his parents put pressure on him to move out. At 35 Ffs. Don't blame them! I've done a bit of digging around and this is true.
That in itself marks him out as a user.

He flipped his lid when she accidentally got pregnant. I mean went mental. Over and beyond a normal shocked reaction put it that way.

Interestingly, the kid no longer speaks to him. I mean zero contact. He says his ex poisoned her mind against him.
I wonder if she did not just tell the truth of how he used his charm to coerce a vulnerable recently divorced single mum into letting him move in.
I won't go into lies he told his parents to allow him to move in with her as it is too outing.
Yeah he lied to them, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 21/07/2023 09:53

To be fair, he's now got his own place but is highly dependent, unhealthily so, on his elderly parents.
He claims he is terrified of being left on his own.
That's what he wants, isn't it? A companion to look after him in his late middle age.

Let him be alone. F*** deserves to be.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 06/08/2023 21:12

@Starshiptroopee

I don't believe in treading Bob old ground. I think that you have ended things for a reason and you don't need to revisit those reasons.

I would also find it difficult to connect with a man who 25 years later still has dependency problems.

To me it would be like walking backwards while expecting to move forward.

Original poster

Starshiptroopee · 07/08/2023 12:30

Mari9999 · 06/08/2023 21:12

@Starshiptroopee

I don't believe in treading Bob old ground. I think that you have ended things for a reason and you don't need to revisit those reasons.

I would also find it difficult to connect with a man who 25 years later still has dependency problems.

To me it would be like walking backwards while expecting to move forward.

Agreed. He's dumped.

OP posts:

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