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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Favouritism taken to an extreme

21 replies

OpalPearlRuby · 20/07/2023 21:45

My grandparents, both still alive are 91 and 93 respectively, my grandad owned a very successful business, he sold it in the late 90s, invested the profits etc.
They have two kids, my dad and my aunt, I am an only child and my aunt also only had one child.
Both my cousin and were lucky to have very fortunate childhoods, private education, grandparents bought both my aunt and my dad a house each etc.
My dad and aunt both had modest careers, they weren't privately educated themselves, my dad certainly couldn't give me what his parents did him.
My grandparents and I fell out about 15 years ago, my dad and mum were divorcing and the way the spoke of my mum was appalling. Reconnected about 10 years ago, they are in a lovely care home, I visit several times a year with my children.
My cousin and I also lost touch, no fall out, she lives in London, I in Nottingham, we just weren't close. We got married within a year of one and other and went to the others wedding, but that was about it.
Last weekend I was in London for a wedding, I sent her a message and she invited me over, she has a 4 and 6 year old, I have a 5 and 6 year old, so the kids could play etc.
Her house is gorgeous, lovely part of London, large 5 bed. Her husband works in investment research so likely to make a decent amount, she works part-time in an office role (not sure exactly but likely to make a decent amount too). My husband can be a nosey pig, so when we left he looked Zoopla to see how much their house cost, 3 Million!! I know my aunt couldn't have contributed much, I assumed it was his family, didn't think much more of it, just lucky buggers!!
Was talking to my dad today and he informed me, my grandparents had purchased them the house as a wedding gift!!! They got married just as they moved into care and sold their own house, I had no idea!!
I'm now really hurting, I know we had a falling out but I thought we made up and all was put behind us!! I'm also just pissed off they treated us so differently, we live in a nice area, and a house of similar size here would be about a third of that!!
I knew they had contributed more to their wedding than ours (they got married in London so just more expensive), and this didn't bother me, but a £3,000,000 house vs nothing seems so so cruel.
I think my cousin was always preferred, she was seen as prettier, smarter, more likeable etc. by my grandparents, they also just didn't like my mum so I probably took some of that dislike on too.
I won't say anything to them as frankly I don't want to fall out but I'm so hurt. It isn't just the house, by living mortgage free, my cousin can work part-time, be more present for her children, they attend a lovely prep school, have peace of mind that they will never be left struggling to pay the mortgage or homeless.
AIBU to be hurt and pissed off?

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 21:50

Your cousins relationship with your shared grandparents is obviously different to the one you had/have with them. You aren’t owed the same based solely on the fact that you’re both grandchildren, as if the nature of the individual relationships doesn’t matter.

Loveys · 20/07/2023 21:53

Oh come on @whumpthereitis would you be ok with this? No sour grapes at all?

op I would be hurt as well, they have shown you who they are and that's that. Make your choices accordingly.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 21:56

Loveys · 20/07/2023 21:53

Oh come on @whumpthereitis would you be ok with this? No sour grapes at all?

op I would be hurt as well, they have shown you who they are and that's that. Make your choices accordingly.

Whether I would or wouldn’t be okay with this is irrelevant tbh, if I wasn’t then I would indeed just have to suck it up and focus on what I did have rather than what was never mine in the first place.

GettingStuffed · 20/07/2023 21:59

My late father-in-law has given my children various amounts over the year but he kept a record tha means we now have to work out their inheritance less the amount they've previously received, perhaps the wil is in your favour

LiOLeary · 20/07/2023 22:02

Grabby. Maybe Cousin is just closer and nicer to them than you are.

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/07/2023 22:02

I’d be absolutely gutted and I don’t believe anyone who says otherwise. I’m sorry OP.

boredsolicitor · 20/07/2023 22:05

That really is extreme - i would feel c hurt OP

alwaysmovingforwards · 20/07/2023 22:05

LiOLeary · 20/07/2023 22:02

Grabby. Maybe Cousin is just closer and nicer to them than you are.

Agreed.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/07/2023 22:07

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 21:56

Whether I would or wouldn’t be okay with this is irrelevant tbh, if I wasn’t then I would indeed just have to suck it up and focus on what I did have rather than what was never mine in the first place.

No, that's the point of the AIBU?
So basically you'd feel the same. Leave out the initial ridiculous reply and we got to the real answer on the end.

Op...yeh that sucks.

Hopingforagreatescape · 20/07/2023 22:08

I would be hurt too. But they don't seem to care much about hurting your feelings - they did so over your parents' divorce by slagging off your mother within your earshot, and now this. As Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/07/2023 22:08

But op do you know it's actually true? Maybe they just said that to your dad on case they thought he was Gona ask for money! Maybe it's just in their account paying for their care

Thewildling · 20/07/2023 22:13

I would be pretty miffed as well. That’s just not fair. I wouldn’t say you are being grabby at all. Yes it’s your grandparents money and they can do what they like with it, but it doesn’t make sense to me as to why they wouldn’t treat you similarly when they have previously.

Gagaandgag · 20/07/2023 22:22

I agree, I would also be hurt. Just one thing to remember- if it’s worth 3 mil now they most prob didn’t pay that for it!

MargaretThursday · 20/07/2023 22:24

Was the falling out over the time they bought it?

If it was then maybe they would have split it between you.

overfeckinstimulated · 20/07/2023 22:27

I can completely understand why you'd be really pissed off, hurt and a bit jealous.
You're human after all 🤷‍♀️
But ultimately there's nothing you can do about it, so try to bury those feelings and move on. There's nothing to be gained from those feelings of resentment.

BounceyB · 20/07/2023 22:29

I would be hurt, but at the end of the day, it's their money and their choice.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 22:37

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/07/2023 22:07

No, that's the point of the AIBU?
So basically you'd feel the same. Leave out the initial ridiculous reply and we got to the real answer on the end.

Op...yeh that sucks.

No, if I’d been estranged from a grandparent, or even a parent, I wouldn’t expect to be given the same things/treated the same as a grandchild/child that remained close to them.

Ella31 · 20/07/2023 23:44

Although it hurts
The fact that you have been estranged from them probably contributed to this. 15 years is a significant length of time.

Wigglewigglewitch · 20/07/2023 23:49

I would probably feel the same way, it’s not reasonable but it is understandable! In principle I believe no one is entitled to anything from any family wealth / inheritance etc but in practice it would hurt my feelings.

Bluesheeps · 20/07/2023 23:50

How long have they been in the house? House prices in London have gone up massively over past 15 years.
I can imagine it’s quite upsetting, but ultimately you cut them out of your life for a fair amount of time, so seems a bit unreasonable to now be wanting their cash.
you acknowledge hubby has a decent job so maybe they’re mortgaged to the hilt?

stayathomer · 20/07/2023 23:50

I think deep down everyone would feel the same op but realistically is there anything you can do except try to file it away under ‘life can be mad sometimes’. You all broke away from each other. I had a falling out with a relative and we’ll never 100% be the same again. We both try so hard and we chat and laugh on with the rest of the family but deep down there’s the slightest tinge of hurt on both of our parts that it ever happened in the first place. I am sorry though x

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