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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inviting DS's ex and new partner in

19 replies

movebackwards · 20/07/2023 19:11

My DS is 19, from 15-18 he was seeing a girl, high school sweethearts all that. They broke up while on holiday together, he had kissed another girl before the holiday, felt guilty and told her while they were in Greece (not his smartest moves really), they finished the holiday but broke up when they got back, they were going to unis at opposite ends of the country anyways.
The girls mum and I have known each other for 25 years, she is now the headteacher of the same school I work in, we car share to get to work, they live around the corner from us.
Today was the first day of the school holidays for us, I had bought a birthday present for DS's ex (she collects a specific book in various editions, seen a rare one while on holiday in easter, thought of her and picked it up, was just going to pass it to her mum one morning but totally forgot until I found it wrapped and hidden under a pile of papers in the dinning room), my daughter also spent the day baking so I was going to send her round with some of the goodies as there were far too many for just our family,
When I messaged her mum, she said she would send her DD round to save my 11 year old carrying so much, she also offered us some of her DDs old books for my 14 and 11 year olds. I had mentioned my son would be out all day so didn't see an issue. She then said DD's new boyfriend was going to go with her to help her carry the books and anything back, wasn't expecting her to come in and my son was out so no issue I thought.
When they arrived my two girls bombarded her with questions, my 11 year old wanted to do a tasting session of the baked goods, and it started spitting of rain, so I invited her and her new boyfriend in for a cuppa, expecting maybe 30 min max, DS was out etc.
Well my 11 year old loves her, she was a big part of her life from 7-10, she just finished primary herself so wanted to show off her stuff and the taster went on for far too long!! My 14 year old was fascinated by what her new boyfriend is studying at uni so he was getting interviewed on that, the hours just slipped away, and my son ended up coming home to his ex in the dinning room, with her new boyfriend being fed cakes by his sister ... eek!!
They were pleasant to each other, spoke a little about uni, mutual friends etc. The new boyfriend looked beyond uncomfortable, but after 20 minutes or so, they left.
My son burst out in tears (never actually seen him cry so much before) told me I shouldn't have invited them in, now won't come down for dinner and is calling me the worst!!
If I'd known they'd be in so long, or he'd come home while they were I wouldn't have invited them in.
I don't think my son has moved on from his ex but he doesn't talk to me about feelings or girls, so hard to know!!

Was I being unreasonable to invite them in or was it just bad luck?

OP posts:
FionaChapman · 20/07/2023 19:16

Just bad luck, don’t beat yourself up. It’s seems he has unresolved feelings. If this had happened 6 months from now he probably wouldn’t react in the same way.

cyncope · 20/07/2023 19:19

Unreasonable of you, you didn't really think about or prioritise your DS's feelings over you wanting to socialise. I'd have felt quite let down if I was him.

MiniCooperLover · 20/07/2023 19:31

I'd be devastated if my mother has made such a fuss of my ex girlfriend and her new partner! My own mother took years to get over me leaving an ex partner and asked after him all the time, it really made me feel he was her priority. I'm gutted for your son that you and your other kids made such a fuss of them, it's very disloyal to him.

drpet49 · 20/07/2023 19:32

Really OP? I can’t believe you did this. The fact your son was so upset that he started crying shows you what a stupid and bad idea it was.

MasterBeth · 20/07/2023 19:35

It's perfectly fine. You have every right to invite her in. Maybe you could have texted him to let him know she was there, but he'll get over his upset

LunaLula83 · 20/07/2023 19:35

Welcome to the world big boy

betweenfriends · 20/07/2023 19:43

It's odd to be baking cakes and giving them to her.

You'd have been better off just knocking at her door and leaving them!

TeddySunflowers · 20/07/2023 19:45

I think it's not really your fault but you should have texted your son to let him know just in case.

Qbish · 20/07/2023 19:48

That was a pretty shitty thing to do. Even if he hadn't encountered them, he would have heard from your DDs that the boyfriend - and ex girlfriend! - were there.

Not on, actually.

Qbish · 20/07/2023 19:48

Your house, his home, is his safe space. And now here you are, entertaining his ex and her new boyfriend. Horrible.

kryptonfactor · 20/07/2023 19:49

I think I would have drawn it to an end a lot sooner....'right, been so lovely to catch up, but we must get ready for......'

EvilElsa · 20/07/2023 19:53

Personally I would have just gone and dropped the gift round or handed it over on the doorstep rather than having the new boyfriend in for prolonged tea and cakes. It was never going to go well if DS found out (which I imagine he would through his siblings anyway). Clearly DS was in the wrong for cheating but it must have really hurt to see his ex sitting there happy with her new partner and being catered to by his mum and sister!! How awkward in his own home. I understand it wasn't your intention but I don't think it was the best of ideas.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 20/07/2023 19:53

Well it wasn’t kind was it?

Curseofthenation · 20/07/2023 19:55

I think it was fine to invite them in but you really should have kept an eye on the time and sent them off after an hour. Come on now. Apologise to your DS and make it up to him in some way.

Miajk · 20/07/2023 19:57

cyncope · 20/07/2023 19:19

Unreasonable of you, you didn't really think about or prioritise your DS's feelings over you wanting to socialise. I'd have felt quite let down if I was him.

Perfectly reasonable to teach your kids that the world doesn't revolve around them. The ex obviously had a strong bond with the family, no one forced OPs DS to cheat either.

geekone · 20/07/2023 19:59

I think his feelings are likely complex due to guilt. They split because he cheated. He sees her happy with someone else, it’s going to smart but he needs to put on his big boy trousers and get over it. Yes it was maybe not thoughtful on your part but it’s entirely caused by him really.
You will get the brunt your his mum and his safe place so you probably have to take it and just be there for him.

Gerrataere · 20/07/2023 20:00

@movebackwards

I feel so sorry for your son, that was a really mean thing to do. I also feel sorry for the new boyfriend, quite honestly if I had to sit through a chitchat at my gf’s ex’s house with his mother of all people, then have to have the lad himself walk in - well that relationship would be over by the end of the day. Imagine if your first love was being entertained in your home like this, with their new partner no less, by the person you were meant to trust most in the world.

The fact her mother is a friend, and more importantly your work boss/senior is the most telling part of this. Anyone else wouldn’t have dreamt of still be getting presents and treats for their kid’s ex. This sounds more like you’re still sucking up to a well-to-do family more than anything.

SirCharlesRainier · 20/07/2023 20:00

Yeah, I'm going to agree with most PP, it was not the nicest thing to do

Also, the weirdly large amount of unnecessary detail you've included here (and the disingenuous "oh my! I've just found these and had totally forgotten!") makes me think you agree, deep down - it's as if you're pre-emptively making excuses for yourself.

Because really I think you know you don't have to buy thoughtful presents for your DS's ex. You don't have to bake for her and her family. You didn't need to accept the offer of her coming around instead of sending your 11 year old, and even then you didn't need to invite them in, and they didn't need to stay for hours. You wanted and chose to do those things.

Gerrataere · 20/07/2023 20:04

Miajk · 20/07/2023 19:57

Perfectly reasonable to teach your kids that the world doesn't revolve around them. The ex obviously had a strong bond with the family, no one forced OPs DS to cheat either.

He a teenager who did a silly teen thing. He’s already learned the consequences by losing his longterm girlfriend. Not like a 40 year old married man who was shagging about and wondering why his mum still wants a cup of tea with the mother of her grandchildren….

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