No “How are you?”

[JadeMoss]

My DH had a breakdown recently (depression and anxiety). Lost his job, cut off from his family for several months, was talking about separating etc.

His brother and family came to visit a few weeks ago from abroad and DH despite having socially cut himself off from everyone agreed to meet them because he wants the kids to know their cousins. We met them several times for days out and dinners etc. During that time they didn’t once ask either of us how we are doing. I don’t know if asking someone if they are doing ok is seen as intrusive by some people or it’s actually a bit crap not to ask someone you know is going through a difficult time how they are doing?

By contrast DH’s SIL lost her father last year and whilst it can be uncomfortable to talk about grief we both asked her how she was doing. She said it had been really hard and didn’t seem to want to talk about it which is completely understandable so we changed the subject.

It’a not a big deal except for the fact that one of the reasons DH cut off from his family is because he says that they only want to maintain superficial relationships, pretend everything is ok when it’s not and not discuss anything that really matters. I’ve always told him it would be different if they met up in person but now I’m obviously feeling like I’m wrong.

Yeah you are wrong as your words are very clear ‘I always told him it would be different if they met up’
What would make you tell him that?
I’m guessing you thought you knew better than him and so maybe this is a big lesson on not presuming things and making statements with nothing to back them up?

You did nothing wrong, OP. You’re supporting him as lovingly as you can.

It’s usually worth trying something that could or should work, such as trying to rekindle friendships of family relationships. If it doesn’t work, at least you know. Nothing lost.

I hope you can help him through this depression, but don’t sacrifice your own well-being. Look after yourself too.

Sorry but it's not surprising your DH has had a mental breakdown with a such a cold family like that.
Is he in therapy?

Yeah I was obviously wrong that the relationship could improve by meeting face to face. I probably was less emphatic about it than I described though. It was just a possibility that had occurred to me that I had raised with him some time back.

Just really wondering if this is normal or if my family and friends who always make a point nowadays to ask how I am and how he is in the genuine sense and not just a “hey, how are you?” are normal or if it seen as socially unacceptable to ask? I’m pretty sure if I asked why they didn’t say anything their excuse would be that they don’t want to intrude or seem nosy. But there are ways to ask someone how they are without coming accross like that.

It sounds as if maybe you and they have different approaches- you’re more open and are bothered that they didn’t ask how you both are while they’re more private and it sounds as if they found your question a bit intrusive. Obviously your approach is the more usual one, and it’s mine as well, but I think sometimes you just have to accept people as they are and adjust your expectations or else choose not to see them. You can’t force it.

They aren't close and wouldn't be comfortable if he started offloading on them. It's not great but it's more honest then asking and not listening or cutting him off

@DontEatCrisps Yes I think you could be right. Never known anyone so private so seems really strange to me I guess.

Interestingly they are both mental health professionals!

If people aren’t close, it can be intrusive to ask how they are.

There can also be all sorts of good reasons people keep family members, even ones they do love and wish the relationship were different, at various degrees of emotional distance. Sometimes the best way to maintain family relationships is to maintain a bit of detachment.

I don’t think I’ve said anything other than “fine” if someone asks me how I’m doing. But I’m the sort of person that if I need support or to talk about how I feel I would generally reach out or turn a conversation the way.

I do sometimes often forget to ask others how they’re doing as I think it is just a small talk mechanism, or seems patronising if I try and make it into a big deal. For example, almost everyone I told about my miscarriage started with “I was pregnant, but had a miscarriage, but I’m fine”, apart from a select few who I wanted to be more open and honest with.

I would HATE someone to turn the conversation to my emotions and emotional well-being if I hadn’t done so, and so don’t like to put others in that position (rightly or wrongly).

Maybe his family have a different perspective rather than actively being uncaring. Had DH tried to broach the topic with them?

Really good post.

@TeleTropes That’s what I’m unsure of here are they actually uncaring or do they see it as intrusive? Giving them the benefit of the doubt I think it’s probably the latter but it just seems really strange to me to not even be able to just say “how are things?” I could choose to answer how I’m comfortable “yeah work is busy, kids are a handful” or “it’s been a really difficult few months as you know”. It can just seem like if a person doesn’t ask they don’t care and that has obviously reinforced what my husband has felt all along about his family- that he has been there to support them in their difficult times but nobody really cares about him. I think right now he just wants to know people care, rather than needing any advice or support from anyone and he hasn’t had that feeling from any of his family.

By contrast DH’s SIL lost her father last year and whilst it can be uncomfortable to talk about grief we both asked her how she was doing. She said it had been really hard and didn’t seem to want to talk about it

It's pretty obvious that they find emotional, intense conversations difficult and therefore are reluctant to raise distressing topics because they imagine that other people feel the same. It doesn't mean they don't care.

I have been through some very significant periods of depression/breakdown in my life, and the absolute last thing on earth I would want would be for anyone to want to have an earnest conversation about it. Don't come to my house and then ask me questions about my feelings while putting your head on side and making a sympathetic face - I can't stand it. I just want stuff to be light and normal in those circumstances. I don't want my friends and family to be my therapists or to pity me or sit there listening to me talking about myself and my misery. So I can see why your DH's family aren't asking him all about his mental health issues, as they probably think (reasonably) that dwelling on it won't help him.

It sounds as if your DH is perhaps quite an intense person anyway? Complaining about his siblings only wanting superficial relationships, suggests, to me, that he might be a quite needy in terms of what he expects from others. I love my brother very much and we get on very well, but we wouldn't have an in-depth conversation about my, or his, mental health. That doesn't mean we don't care about each other. We just express it a different way.