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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this typical 12 year old behaviour?

25 replies

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 13:59

My 12 year old is so unrelaxed - so...edgy.

We are on first night of holiday. I've met the family as I've been working elsewhere and it's been a few days since I've seen him. Not usual - I don't work away at all really.

He's just so...edgy...

He...

Can't sit with what's going on right now - needs a plan, constantly needs to know what's happening next

constantly wants his screen. It's the only time he doesn't need input
go for a meal in a restaurant and he's lolling around constantly
talks about 'let's go' before we've even finished eating (he's done)
totally argumentative about everything
just very very unrelaxed

I'm not sure what to make of it. He's been like this for some time. It's exhausting - and frustrating

OP posts:

Dotjones · 20/07/2023 14:02

Sounds like anxiety.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 20/07/2023 14:03

Yep....sorry for the long road ahead! :(

Original poster

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 14:05

@dotjones

I think so, but I can't be sure. If it is anxiety, it's pretty embedded in him - can't explain what I mean, just that it runs through him

I don't know what to do about it. I've talked to him earlier and asked if he's nervous about the holiday and he said 'no!' (Scornfully) x

OP posts:

Original poster

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 14:07

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone what does that mean?!!

OP posts:

Thirty5 · 20/07/2023 14:10

My child isn’t at 12 but not far away, sounds just hormonal to me? At least that’s what I’m telling myself

Original poster

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 14:12

My son has been like this for a while
And he's not going through puberty

OP posts:

AngelicInnocent · 20/07/2023 14:12

That was my DS on holiday at 14. Maybe yours is just hitting it before mine did. Mine was lovely again within 18 months if that helps.

ManateeFair · 20/07/2023 14:13

Sounds more like an ordinary bored 12-year-old than anxiety to me. But if he's not usually like this, then it might be worth asking him if something's up.

SmartHome · 20/07/2023 14:15

One of my 4 sons was like this. Was very anxious about any change to routine and holidays were often a nightmare as it manifested in poor behaviour when he felt out of his comfort zone. We had to put him in his own room and not share with his brothers after one disasterous holiday when he was about 13. He actually used to run away as well when it got bad which was not fun in a strange location. The good news is that he is now almost 16 and much better. Currently on holiday with us now and having a lovely time. We do always put him in his own room if at all possible still as it seems to benefit him to have somewhere to retreat and chill to for a bit at the end of the day.

He has hypermobility which apparently sometimes goes with anxiety due to some genetic link and generally is much more introvert and introspective than his loud mouth brothers. I'd says he's probably on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum but it has never been enough of an issue for us to seek a diagnosis (apart from some really stressful holidays for a few years!). I think puberty is peak anxiety time anyway so for kids suceptible to it it's probably always going to be an issue for a few years.

Good luck!

Singleandproud · 20/07/2023 14:20

With the restaurant issues look into conversation cards, DD and I use them she has ASD and struggles with making conversations and it gives some structure and avoids the lulls between courses.

If he is on edge is he going through a period of being hypervigilante? I was like that after witnessing a fatal car collision, noise cancelling head phones helped but not great for holiday conversation.

Singleandproud · 20/07/2023 14:22

hypervigilance unless he's a an intense batman

Original poster

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 14:34

Thanks all.

He's a great conversationalist - when he wants to be

I don't know what it is

I can't bear his dependency/interest on screen - I wonder if all the 3 min videos are just frying his brain

OP posts:

TotalllyTireddd · 20/07/2023 14:36

Singleandproud · 20/07/2023 14:22

hypervigilance unless he's a an intense batman

🤣🤣

akkakk · 20/07/2023 14:42

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 14:34

Thanks all.

He's a great conversationalist - when he wants to be

I don't know what it is

I can't bear his dependency/interest on screen - I wonder if all the 3 min videos are just frying his brain

There is only one way to find out - remove all screens for a period (e.g. 2 weeks) and see how he changes... most studies show that children will change - they tend to become less nervy / more able to focus / more relaxed / etc.

screens and tech are useful - but they definitely affect children and adults

Original poster

crampatnight · 20/07/2023 15:05

I’d love to ban screens - truly - but it would be civil war. I’m going to see how the holiday goes and take it from there.

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 20/07/2023 15:28

@crampatnight don't spring a screen break on him it won't go down well but you can put boundaries in place. I have an agreement with DD that she doesn't use screen during normal school hours during the holidays and she has to be doing something.

I've provided her with other things to do and given her suggestions which seems to have gone down well. I've given her my old digital camera which she's enjoyed getting to grips with and using the manual settings, an old ipod shuffle I found that still works and she's definitely enjoying the novelty of these 'ancient relics'.

KajsaKavat · 20/07/2023 15:56

Yep I’m on my 3rd 12 year old and they are inpatient. Always. Can’t really say that has stopped yet, eldest is almost 18

Ormally · 20/07/2023 16:23

Yes, an element of anxiety that looks to have been caused by change - sudden sea change from normal routine where you are tired and possibly working on autopilot a bit (probably including school) to holiday routine. I still get this. It calms down after a day or 2. but it's not very welcome as it can happen even when I have no reason to be wound up about where I am.

Being very truthful, it is also about spending time intensively with family where there is a pre-supposition that each person needs to find it 'fun' and you don't have the same familiar places and things to distract you in your own space. I do enjoy it, but feel better to have a bit of independence as well.

Ormally · 20/07/2023 16:24

...for the PP who said hormonal, yes, this can have an effect as well.

Supersimkin2 · 20/07/2023 16:26

Hormones and bad manners. You can fix one.

MyMachineAndMe · 20/07/2023 17:07

My 12 year old has ADHD and is very similar. He can get anxious about things that don't even register with most people. He is always on some screen or other and hyper-focuses on that as well as on books and reading. It's like he has an anger that bubbles under the surface that on some days he is only barely able to control.

Original poster

crampatnight · 21/07/2023 02:12

I don't think it's about bad manners - I'm hot on this

I think yes, internalised anxiety over change - holiday - pressure over 'having a great time' and possibly anxiety over screen time changing - I think that's all very possible

I've also wondered about ADHD - many times

OP posts:

Verbena17 · 21/07/2023 02:30

My son is autistic and is 18. This wasn’t obvious until he reached about year 3 or 4, when they suddenly had to start thinking a lot more for themselves - especially in English. But then once we started looking back, we realised that lots of little things we had treated as single issues, were actually all connected and he was definitely autistic.

He was diagnosed as autistic at age 11, and has also had ARFID since weaning - making for a highly anxious 18 years. He has fairly recently been diagnosed with GAD as well.

It might be worth thinking about your son’s history since birth and seeing if anything matches up with the autism descriptors. Transitioning from one activity to another or any change can be extremely difficult - even for example taking a shower. Sensory difficulties mean that getting wet can be traumatic and then once fully wet, getting out to be semi dry is also a difficult transition.

For example…
Term time to school holidays - really tricky. Holidays back to term time - challenging.
Ipad to no ipad = nightmare holiday
Change of bed on holiday= could find it harde to settle
Different food - may reduce his intake during the whole holiday.
Holiday routine disrupts usual daily home routine - frustrating & anxiety provoking if they’re not sure what’s coming next

Do you recognise any of the above in your son?

Thepossibility · 21/07/2023 02:34

Mine get like this when they have been using screens a bit too much. It's like they are unable to enjoy the slower pace of life and need to be entertained constantly. A bit of a screen detox helps.

Original poster

crampatnight · 21/07/2023 10:50

Def not autism - I work in the area so pretty well versed in what to look for

I honestly think screens and especially those very short videos that Tik Tok and You Tube favour are responsible for his behaviour - they just drive dopamine cycles

OP posts:

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