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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I bad friend?!

4 replies

gigipom · 19/07/2023 23:49

I have been ‘best’ friends with a woman for years. We met at school.

Two years ago, she had a big birthday. I (with the help of her husband) organised her a birthday weekend away, with a large group of friends. I didn’t know some of the other people she was good friends with at that time, but managed to get their numbers to invite them to the weekend via her partner. This is what she wanted to do to celebrate her birthday and she asked me to help organise it but I ended up doing it all.

One of her friend, Z, was kind enough to message me on the lead up to the weekend and offered help/to make decorations/a cake etc. We ended up talking quite a bit, even though we’d never met. And then of course, we met at the weekend away, got on really well. Realised we live half an hour away from each other. Had lots of similar interests. We’ve continued to meet up regularly ever since the weekend away.

My ‘best’ friend seemed to have no issue with us becoming friends, although I trod carefully as I didn’t want to over do it. I always like she could suddenly have a problem with it…

Fast forward to now. ‘Best’ friend and Z have fallen out. I don’t actually think Z knows they’ve fallen out - all I know is best friend now hates Z. I think the reason they fell out was ridiculous and childish - but it’s none of my business.

I had my best friend verbally attack me (she phoned me whilst I was out for my dads birthday - which she knew I was at!) for still being friends with Z a few days ago. She said I am a terrible friend and not supportive and said quite a lot of other nasty things. I stayed calm, I think I was a bit taken back with her having a go at me. So now I’ve backed off the both of them. I cannot be bothered with what feels like high school drama!

AIBU to think I can still be friends with both of them and I shouldn’t have to chose?! Or should I be siding with my long term best friend?

OP posts:
prawncrackersforlife · 19/07/2023 23:51

You don't have to pick a side. You're all adults and capable of holding friendships that are separate from each other. It's not school.

thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2023 23:52

Step back from best friend but stay in touch with other friend unless she behaves similarly. Life’s too short.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 20/07/2023 00:12

In theory no you shouldn’t have to pick a side. But if this is potentially a big falling out let’s be realistic you will have to, or it will be picked for you. It sounds like your best friend is not going to be ok with you continuing to be close with her friend who you’ve known 2 years, that she no longer speaks to. And if you want to keep your friendship with her you’ll need to pull back from Z. Whether it seems fair or not, you may need to decide which friendship you’re prepared to step back from to save the other.

Scienceadvisory · 20/07/2023 00:35

You call the falling out ridiculous and childish but say that you don't think Z even knows about it. Then surely its is your best friend who you think is being ridiculous and childish? She's then compounding that by being verbally aggressive towards you and trying to control who you spend time with. Why would you put up with that or ditch another friend (Z) for it?

If you ditch Z when it seems she hasn't really done anything wrong then you would be just as ridiculous and childish as your so-called best friend.

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