to learn to be less soft?

[Laiku]

My sibling is needy, tends to use me or manipulate me to get embroiled in drama. She means well and is lovely, but that's the score.

My 2 closest friend barely bother with me now, but are happy to put their issues on to me every few months in their own time. When I share my issues, they don't seem too interested.

I have just come out of a LTR and am quite alone, but even my ex, who is still a friend, doesn't seem to give a shit about me.

I have noticed that my defining feature is making excuses for people. I am happy to find the good rather than the bad. But i think this has held me back somehow, over time. I now have practically no one in my camp, but i am still there for them.

How to manage this? How to grow a spine and be more selfish? More self focused?

It’s not ‘selfish’ to centre yourself. It’s necessary for good, balanced relationships, and healthy self-esteem. When you consider how situations or people make you feel first and foremost, act on those feelings, prioritise your own well-being and become visible to yourself, then stronger relationships follow. Nobody is obliging you to listen while your friends offload or get enmeshed in your sister’s drama. Those are choices you are making, almost certainly because of unhealthy psychological habits. You can retrain yourself.

Read some articles on people pleasing and boundaries. You need to make some new friends and maintain boundaries with your current friends and family. Do what YOU want to do, not what you feel obligated to do, and you will start to feel your self esteem grow!