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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner ridiculous with money

23 replies

Username1991 · 19/07/2023 13:49

My partner seems to think that money is the answer to everything and I am really struggling to keep up with his spending habits. I feel like he looks down on me because I dont have savings and live month by month, i can't afford to splash out on things as much as he can.
For example:
Argument about housework and hoovering - I wanted him to do more of it and his solution was to spend £600 of his own money on a robot hoover without telling me or consulting me. I would have been just as happy if he had agreed to hoover up once every couple of days.
Argument about him leaving recycling lying around in the kitchen - rather than taking 10 seconds of his day to walk the rubbish to the bin outside, went out and spent £130 on a new bin for the kitchen that has a recycling section (we already had a normal bin for the kitchen, this was not essential)
Dog has been told he has to lose weight, partner would rather spend an absolute fortune out of our joint account on low fat dog food rather than simply feeding him a little bit less of the much cheaper stuff. We've recently moved and our mortgage interest rate is high and our payments have doubled, we simply can't afford it and have to top up our joint account at the end of every month because of how much money we've spent on dog food. I told him it would help me to plan ahead if we just put more money in to start with but he refuses.
Decides he wants take out or to eat out most weekends - I always have a plan to cook especially if I'm running low on money, but he insists. Then moans that he always pays!

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for all of the above, but my argument is that what he spends his money on is his decision, i never asked for all that stuff!! I do treat him, I do save up and buy him nice birthday and Christmas presents, we go on some amazing holidays that we always split 50/50, I do 99% of the housework and dog walking whilst working full time and I do offer to pay for the odd takeaway if my budget allows! But then because of the amount of stuff he's paid for and financial decisions he seems to have made for the both of us (we MUST buy expensive dog food), I'm made to feel guilty when I go and get my nails done (once a month) or my hair done (once every 2-3 months) etc - something that I've always done and don't actually spend that much money on. It makes me, me, and brings up my confidence and makes me feel good about myself. My social life is mainly meeting up with friends for lunch, i dont go out partying or anything anymore. I pay for all my own things (car etc) and I love treating myself every now and again to some new clothes (at the moment i havent for about 4 months, and its just fast fashion nothing expensive) but I feel like I'm not allowed to do that

Aibu? :(

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 19/07/2023 13:58

He doesn't respect you.

He's an idiot.

He pisses money up the wall.

What are his good points?

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 14:03

So you don’t have joint finances? It sounds like you have your money and he has his money and the only joint account is the one for mortgage/bills that you both contribute to.

How much do you each put in? If you earned the same, only then would it be 50/50.

I think not having joint finances and now struggling is making it more difficult on both of you. You’re criticising him for his spending, while he is criticising you for your spending when realistically it is either dog food nor nails that are breaking the bank.

I think the two of you need a joint budget, and I think fundamentally something doesn’t seem right as it sounds like you are the low earner but are contributing more than your fair share.

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 14:04

*neither dog food nor nails

followmyflow · 19/07/2023 14:04

i don't know, the examples you've given seem fairly reasonable, perhaps barring the low fat dog food. the two of you have different attitudes to money but that doesn't mean either of you are necessarily wrong (provided you can afford it)...and a robot vacuum and recycling bin honestly sound useful!

however, the big issue is that he makes you feel horrible for doing your nails and hair. and why do you do all the housework and dog walking? thats nothing to do with money!

Dacadactyl · 19/07/2023 14:06

YANBU. I couldn't be with someone like this. Similar attitude to money is fundamental to a happy relationship.

I'd personally leave him over it.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/07/2023 14:08

You have completely different attitudes to money. I'm surprised he has any savings, tbh. Do you earn the same amount? Why are you doing all the housework etc?

Original poster
Username1991 · 19/07/2023 14:13

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 14:03

So you don’t have joint finances? It sounds like you have your money and he has his money and the only joint account is the one for mortgage/bills that you both contribute to.

How much do you each put in? If you earned the same, only then would it be 50/50.

I think not having joint finances and now struggling is making it more difficult on both of you. You’re criticising him for his spending, while he is criticising you for your spending when realistically it is either dog food nor nails that are breaking the bank.

I think the two of you need a joint budget, and I think fundamentally something doesn’t seem right as it sounds like you are the low earner but are contributing more than your fair share.

Our joint account is what should cover all bills and joint expenses. I told him we need to put more money in at the beginning of the month because the amount of money we are spending (dog food is what takes it over the edge) is more than what we put in and we get to the end of every month and run out.

We earn roughly the same overall but it's complicated, he has his own business and always takes money out of his business account or pays himself more if there is something he wants to pay for. I dont have that option

OP posts:
Original poster
Username1991 · 19/07/2023 14:15

I do 99% of the housework because I wfh most of the time and i prefer to get it done during lunch breaks etc so that we can both enjoy free time when we're not working

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 19/07/2023 14:15

YANBU. Your financial situation could worsen at any time through ill health or accident, for starters. If you are flushed with money, just overpay the mortgage or save it.

Thamantha · 19/07/2023 14:19

Is your frustration entirely about his spending, or is it partly that he spends his way out of doing his share of housework without any prior consideration of that need until it impacted him? Either way entirely understandable to be frustrating with this

Original poster
Username1991 · 19/07/2023 14:26

Thamantha · 19/07/2023 14:19

Is your frustration entirely about his spending, or is it partly that he spends his way out of doing his share of housework without any prior consideration of that need until it impacted him? Either way entirely understandable to be frustrating with this

My frustration is coming from him spending ridiculous amounts of his own money off his own back without talking about it, and then acting like I owe him something and that I can't spend my own money on myself. He says he spends a lot of money for the benefit of both of us which is fine and I'm grateful, but I would never have agreed to help pay for half of the stuff he has bought because it's unnecessary un-essential things! If he told me he was going out to spend £600 on a hoover because he can't be arsed to do it himself I would have told him he was an idiot and that we didn't need it

OP posts:
Instawars · 19/07/2023 14:49

You had my sympathy until you started listing things that you like spending money on including friends lunches, hair and nails. I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend money on those things- it just seems you have different priorities and want him to be frugal
in the areas that matter you you- but you both piss money away on things the other sees as non essential. I would see a good quality dog food as important, rather than lunches out- you don’t - that’s fine. But I don’t think you can complain about him wasting money.

thousandbirds · 19/07/2023 14:55

Is the hoover any good then?

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 19/07/2023 14:55

Is there a long term plan?

Marriage, children?

Personally I wouldn't as you are not financially compatible.

Also, you may be happy to do 99% of domestic chores now, but what if you had children...

Original poster
Username1991 · 19/07/2023 15:03

Instawars · 19/07/2023 14:49

You had my sympathy until you started listing things that you like spending money on including friends lunches, hair and nails. I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend money on those things- it just seems you have different priorities and want him to be frugal
in the areas that matter you you- but you both piss money away on things the other sees as non essential. I would see a good quality dog food as important, rather than lunches out- you don’t - that’s fine. But I don’t think you can complain about him wasting money.

I don't spend 300 a month on those things

OP posts:
Original poster
Username1991 · 19/07/2023 15:07

Username1991 · 19/07/2023 15:03

I don't spend 300 a month on those things

Show quote history

Also think you're missing the point. The point is he makes me feel bad for spending my money how I want to spend it

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 19/07/2023 15:14

Stop being grateful, he is making unilateral financial decisions and expecting you to fall in line/be thankful to him for making them. This is not a partnership between equals.

It’s time to have a truthful conversation about finances, it won’t be easy but you need to know where you stand. Sadly if he is unwilling to talk I think you need to consider this relationship unworkable.

AndyMcFlurry · 19/07/2023 15:18

You don’t sound compatible TBH. Id tell you to leave if you were my friend.

Luxell934 · 19/07/2023 15:40

I guess how it seems to me is that him buying the dog food, hoover and bin could be classed as for the "good of the household". He probably doesn't see these things as unnecessary as such because they are for the both of you.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be allowed your hair and nails done, but possibly trying to see things from his point of view is that they could be seen as selfish purchases especially if your mortgage has doubled and your struggling.

But it shouldn't be up to only him how you both spend your money. I think you need to sit down and make sure theres enough in the joint account to pay all the bills, and make sure there is some personal spending money each month for you both to use however you want.

DecayedStrumpet · 19/07/2023 15:41

Did he expect you to pay half of the robot vacuum cleaner?

I mean, he sounds like an almighty pain in the ass, but if you want to stick with him you need an agreement that anything coming out of joint funds is a joint decision and the other person can veto it.

frumpalertt · 19/07/2023 15:43

"My frustration is coming from him spending ridiculous amounts of his own money off his own back without talking about it, and then acting like I owe him something and that I can't spend my own money on myself. "

So what you're saying is that he uses money to get out of doing his part of the chores (a substitution) but also expects it to count financially as a spend you've both agreed (a share). So a kind of double-counting, right?

I think this is way out of line! And I really worry about the way a spend is being used to manipulate you here.

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 15:49

Why have you bought a house with this controlling spendthrift idiot?

Do not marry nor have children with him.

This issue is huge.

You need to rethink this relationship.

JudgeAnderson · 19/07/2023 15:54

Just leave this ridiculous man. He's shit with money and he's trained you to skivvy.

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